3. Do I know any members of this OAWS’s family? Have I met/attended school/socialized/shopped/co-chaired a gala/blown/backstabbed anyone related to this person?
4. How much is this OAWS or his/her family worth? Evaluate actual net worth against published net worth. Add 25 points if they have a family office, 50 points if they have a family foundation, 75 points if they have a family museum.
5. Have there been any juicy scandals in this OAWS or their family’s past? Add 100 points if it involved bringing down an elected official, political party, or BFF at the Olivier Café in the Grand Indonesia Mall.
6. Does this OAWS or their family happen to own some fabulous hotel/airline/spa resort/luxury brand/restaurant/bar/nightclub that I could potentially benefit from? Add 25 points if family owns a private island, 500 points for a major movie studio.
7. How attractive and stylish is this OAWS in relation to me? Body-scan assessment in this order:
For Ladies: face, skin whiteness, physique, jewelry, watch, handbag, shoes, outfit, hairstyle, makeup. Subtract 50 points if any gauche brands are visible, or for an obvious cosmetic procedure.
For Gentlemen: hair density, watch, shoes, physique, rest of outfit. Subtract 100 points if wearing an Hermès “H” buckle belt, which only looks good on French or Italian men with deep tans and/or titles.
8. How attractive, well-dressed, important, or famous are the white people that this OAWS is with? Subtract 20 points if it’s a business occasion with Americans in corporate attire, add 25 points if European, add 50 points if French or Italian with deep tans and/or titles.
9. How many bodyguards in this OAWS security detail? Evaluate intimidation level of bodyguards, factoring in muscle mass, uniforms, any visible weaponry, quality of earpieces, type of sunglasses, and how noticeable they are in the current space. The more they look like trigger-happy brick shithouses ready to unleash their Sig Sauers on the dinner crowd at Nobu Malibu, the better.
10. When was this OAWS or their family last profiled in their local edition of Tattle, Pinnacle, or Town & Country? Add 100 points if they’ve never appeared in any magazines but you still recognize them.
At this point in her life, Wandi’s social-placement test was so finely calibrated, it could evaluate a new Asian face in a matter of nanoseconds, thus determining to what degree Wandi felt prettier, richer, or more important than this OAWS, and what appropriate overture she felt comfortable making—whether it be stealth eye contact, a nod of recognition, the slight smile, or actually greeting the person in close physical proximity.
Of course at the present moment the OAWS in question only appeared in a rectangular two-by-three-inch photograph, but it was so highly unusual for an Asian face to appear in this setting—an English country wedding worthy of being featured in the Spectator section of British Tattle—that Wandi couldn’t help but take notice. The text block in the middle of the page simply read:
WINTER WEDDING WONDERLAND
The unexpected snowfall didn’t deter England’s grandest from dusting off their furs and braving the icy roads for the wedding of Lucien Montagu-Scott at St Mary’s, Chipping Norton. Naturally, the Glencoras were out in full force along with the Devonshires, the Buccleuches, and a smattering of Rothschilds and Rochambords from both sides of the channel. Many a girl mourned that Lucien aka #TallDrinkofWater was off the market, but no one could fault the bride, Colette Bing, whose porcelain-doll complexion and ravishing smile could warm all the frigid chapels in the Home Counties put together.
Wandi couldn’t believe her eyes as she stared at the picture of the couple again. There was no way the bride in the simple, almost monastic high-necked wedding gown was the same Colette Bing she had seen splashed over all of Asia’s tabloids. What happened to the signature swath of black eyeliner and her matador-red lipstick? This girl’s face bore no evident traces of makeup, her lips ghostly pale. Where was the spectacular gold Giambattista Valli dress that she had commissioned for her wedding? And most important, why wasn’t she wearing some glittering tiara?
Wandi dug into her Mark Cross white python handbag for her phone, quickly snapped a photo of the page, and sent it via WhatsApp to Georgina Ting, who was at that very moment lounging poolside at the American Club in Singapore, not watching her daughter splash around in the deep end of the pool.
WANDI MEGGAHARTO WIDJAWA: Check this out!!!
GEORGINA TING: Badly dressed Brits?
WMW: No, check out the bride!!!!
GT: OMFG!!! Where did you find this???
WMW: British Tattle!
GT: Colette’s wedding was in BRITISH TATTLE?!? Wow, she really hit the Holy Grail! Did you send to Kitty?
WMW: No!!! I didn’t want to be the one to upset her.
GT: Good thinking. Messenger always gets blamed. You don’t want to risk losing your spa privileges on her plane.
WMW: At least with me what you see is what you get—if I’m being a bitch, you know it’s because I hate you. Kitty is so unpredictable! You remember what happened at Giambattista Valli’s atelier in Paris—she was so calm and collected and then suddenly she attacked Colette’s wedding dress!
GT: Yeah. No wonder she didn’t wear it—they probably couldn’t repair it in time.
WMW: Still, I can’t believe the dress she chose instead. What the hell? She looks like Fr?ulein Maria at the convent. She’s unrecognizable! Do you think she had her face rearranged in Seoul or Buenos Aires or London?
GT: I think that’s just how she looks with no makeup. I know that style…she’s going for the posh Brit look now. They all want to look like freshly exfoliated virgins on their wedding day.
WMW: This guy she married looks like a true blueblood.
GT: I thought he was some science nerd?
WMW: No, lawyer.
GT: Didn’t you google him when we were all in Paris?
WMW: Tatiana did.
GT: Has Tatiana seen this?
WMW: Not yet.
GT: Gimme a sec…
Georgina forwarded the photo on to Tatiana Savarin, and then started doing a bit of googling on her own. A few moments later, Tatiana, who was holidaying on the island of Mustique, answered back.
TATIANA SAVARIN: THAT’S who Colette Bing married?!?!
WMW: Can you believe it?
TS: Hottie McHotpocket! Doesn’t look like a boring suit at all!
GT: Tatiana, you suck as a private eye. I just did some googling, and look what I found. Check out this link, ladies…