Of course she was. Emily had been doing everything since Hawk was born. In Asher’s absence, and Jordan’s, apparently. She may have been around, but she hadn’t participated as fully as she should have.
“Well, then get better, Jordan. Emily is his grandmother, but you’re his mother. You will always be his mother.” He bit off the sentence before he added, So start acting like it. Wasn’t easy to do, but he was trying to be amicable. Screaming at her would feel good in the moment, but what he needed was a change from her that was more long-term. He needed her to step up.
“I want to have fun. You get to have fun! You have all the fun. You lead a life of fun and games and sleep around with everyone!” Her bottom lip jutted out in a feeling-sorry-for-herself pout. “I’m stuck with a toddler. I’m stuck with stretch marks! I’m just plain stuck.”
“Stuck,” he repeated. “Never say that shit in front of him, Jordan. Not ever. We are not ‘stuck’ with Hawk. He’s our son and he’s not going to grow up thinking he’s a burden or feel as if he’s kept you from doing whatever crap you need to do to have ‘fun.’”
“He’s not a burden for you!” She swiped her eyes but it only smudged her makeup more. She noticed the black on her fingers and lifted the edge of her oversize T-shirt and swiped her eyes. “You get him part-time. I have to be with him all the time.”
“I want to be with him all the time!” He kept his voice just below a shout, barely. He’d leaned forward and gestured to himself when he’d said that, mostly to keep from grabbing her arms and rattling her until her teeth clacked together. “It’s you and your mom who have been keeping me away from him most of the time. Christ, Jordan! I didn’t even know he existed until last year!”
Guilt swam in her eyes and Asher felt a strange twinge of satisfaction at seeing it. She should feel like shit about it. She’d robbed him of so much. Hawk’s heartbeat on a monitor. Cutting the cord. Holding him as a newborn. Watching his eyes change from blue to brown. It killed him to know he couldn’t get a single second of that back.
“You don’t want him?” he said, his tone calm but rigid. “Leave him with me. I’ll send along custody papers as fast as my lawyer can draw them up.”
He expected an argument, an indignant statement about how he could never keep her from her son. Instead, she said, “You’d do that?”
It sounded hopeful and she’d better not mean that—for her sake.
“No.” A small frown pulled her mouth. “I don’t want to give up custody of my son,” she said as if she’d had a sudden realization. “Not completely.”
“Good to hear,” he said, meaning it. “I hoped I wouldn’t have to pull your head out of your ass for you.”
Her eyes narrowed.
“You need a break, take one. But you don’t get to bail on him.”
“And you do? You’re the one going back to LA.”
That had been the plan. Keep his apartment in LA. Visit here in the summer months and see Hawk as much as possible. But that’d been shortsighted, hadn’t it? Next summer would be comprised of a countrywide tour for Knight Time’s current album. He’d be away from both homes he had. Away from Hawk. Away from Gloria.
Well.
None of that would work. He’d have to make a call to Donny to get him to replace the fireplace sooner than later, because Asher would have to be here year-round. He’d missed enough of Hawk’s life as it was. He didn’t want to miss more.
“I’ll be here,” he said. “I don’t want to take him from you any more than you want to keep him from me.” He almost added anymore but figured they were on shaky ground as it was. Hawk had a trio of grandparents located at the Cove. He wouldn’t deprive his son of his family no matter what Jordan was spouting right now.
“You’re staying.” Hope bloomed in her eyes.
“Yes.” It was the right call, and every bone in his body reverberated with that knowledge.
Her face brightened. “So the band…they’ll be here, too.”
God. Groupie through and through.
“Sometimes.” He could practice anywhere. He could tour from anywhere. He could fly the band in on his dime or fly to them as needed. Hawk was portable and Asher wanted him to come to a show. Hell, maybe even Glo would bring him out. Ash wouldn’t deny Hawk the privilege to have her in his life, either.
“Can you keep him for a few days?” Jordan asked.
“Of course.” He pulled in a deep breath of fresh air. In the Cove permanently. He could dig this as his home base.
“I have his bag in the car with clothes and some toys…”
“I have shit for him, here, Jordan. He’s got an entire wardrobe. All the toys he needs. You keep your stuff at your house for him. He’ll be back to see you.”
“Yeah, okay.”
“Okay.” Progress. He’d broken through.
“We can do better, right?” she asked.
Wow. Seriously broken through.
“We can,” he said, a weight lifted from his shoulders. “Did you call your mom?”
“Yeah.”
“Good. You should go home, help her call the people we called yesterday and put their minds at ease,” he told her as they paced for the back door.