Raw: Rebirth (Raw Family, #3)
Belle Aurora
To the dangerously in love,
to the fools who rush in,
and to the ones still looking for their knights in scuffed armor.
This is for you.
Prologue
A.J.
A.J. was a smart boy. He was only five years old but knew the value of a secret.
He didn't like keeping secrets from his mum, and when he asked her if it was okay to lie, she told him it was never okay to be dishonest.
It didn't make sense.
A.J. had heard his mother lie before.
Why was she able to lie when he wasn't?
His mother explained that sometimes people told lies to stop another person from being sad, and these were called “little white lies.”
A.J. thought about this.
His secret would hurt his mum, he'd been told, so it wasn't really a lie, he thought.
Keeping his secret was more a “little white lie.” As his mother tucked him in to bed, he smiled up at her. "I love you," he told her, and he meant it.
His mother's smile softened. "I love you more, honey," she responded quietly as she ran gentle fingers through his messy hair.
She blew him a kiss as she left his room, turning off the light and closing the door behind her.
A.J. lay in his bed, awake and waiting.
He wasn't sure how long he waited, but when he heard the window rattle then lift in excruciating slowness, he smiled excitedly.
His little white lie was here.
Daddy was home.
***
Lexi “Mummy?”
I heard him. How could I not?
But I continued to drive in silence. I wasn’t really in the mood for conversation; however, the little monster in the back seat had other ideas.
My chest felt heavy, weighed down.
What a day.
Everything felt tight. My insides, my jaw, my grip on the steering wheel. Even my eyes felt tightly fixated on the road. But that wasn’t A.J.’s fault, and I wouldn’t let him know I felt like I was dying on the inside.
A sigh left me.
Daddy Day was never a good day for me.
“Yeah, honey?”
He didn’t answer for a long while, and when a frown tipped my brow and I glanced back at him through the rearview mirror, his eyes were fixed on me, unblinking.
My heart ached as I looked into his soft brown eyes.
His father’s eyes.
Well, shit.
My nose began to tingle. And just like that, fresh tears rolled down my cheeks. I swiped at them quickly and blinked rapidly, trying in vain to quell the familiar sting of sadness.
Jesus Christ. Get a grip.
My son, he didn’t like to see me upset. His voice was little over a whisper and near desperate. “Don’t cry, Mummy.” His voice steeled, and he muttered, “I don’t like it.”
I heard his daddy in those hardened words.
Ugh. He was killing me.
We drew to a stop at a set of traffic lights and I took my hands off the wheel, looking back and forcing a smile. I spoke softly, almost pacifying. “Sorry, bud.”
It was his father’s birthday, and we were driving home from the cemetery. Every single time I saw that gleaming white marble headstone, it took me back to a time I chose to remember, when I would be better off forgetting. That time so long ago, yet so vividly fresh in my memories. No matter how much time passed, I was stuck there, in that time. In a place where I was wild and careless and in the arms of the man I loved.
Make no mistake about it. I was dangerously in love.
Recklessly in love.
The lights turned green and I twisted back, driving on, once again gripping the steering wheel like a lifeline. We were halfway home before I realized I was driving on autopilot, not at all paying any attention to my surroundings.
My heart lurched in apprehension. I swallowed hard and shook my head in a poor attempt to snap myself out of my stupor.
Maybe conversation wasn’t such a bad idea after all. “How about we go to the grocery store, get a bunch of junk food, and watch a movie tonight?”
The wide smile on my face was genuine then. There was only one man in my life, and he glued my heart together with mud, giggles, and drawings crafted with crayon and love.
A.J. smiled, my toothless monster, but as quickly as it came, it went. “What day is it?”
I stalled.
Umm...
I couldn’t help my quiet laughter.
What a question?
Amused bewilderment stunned me and my brows rose. “Uh...” I tried to quell the urge to laugh again. “Sunday.”
He blinked down at his lap before looking back at me through the mirror. He shook his head before staring out the window. “No, thank you.”
Confusion marred my brow.
Huh?
He was passing up junk food? Since when?
I didn’t want to push, but I was slow to realize I needed time with my son, today more than ever. I was going to have to sweeten the pot. “Maybe we could stay up really late, sleep in, and then go out for pancakes tomorrow.”
Ooh. I smiled inwardly.
He looked tempted.
“What about school?”
Did he even know me? I was a cool mom. What was one day of missing school to bond with my son? “Forget about it. I’ll tell them you’re sick.”
“That’s a lie.” He peered at me a moment before avoiding my gaze. “And I like school.”
“Just a little lie.” My smile began to droop. “A white lie.”
Wait. Was I really explaining myself to a five-year-old?
What was going on here? A.J. wasn’t acting like himself.
After a moment of puzzlement, a thought dawned and I recognized how selfish I was being. He was just a little boy, and perhaps today was harder for him than I thought. Maybe he had just started to figure out exactly what he’d lost in losing his father.
Chances were, even though I needed a distraction, maybe A.J. needed the time to process what he was feeling. And my chest ached.
Could he be mourning as I was?
I sighed inwardly and my smile turned sad. “That’s okay, honey. Next time.” But I couldn’t help the feeling of disconnection between us.
And then we were home.
I pulled into the drive and turned off the car. Before I got out, I turned in my seat to look back at my sweet boy.
“Hey,” I started, and when he looked up me with those long, dark lashes, I melted. “I know today wasn’t easy.” I put my hand on his knee. “Are you okay?”
He was stoic a long moment, my baby, and then shook his head but remained stone-faced. I gave him time and a full minute went by before he dipped his chin, and carefully uttered, “If somebody told me something... a secret... and I want to tell someone else, is that okay?”
I thought about A.J.’s little friends, and asked, “Is the secret hurting anybody?”
A.J. thought about it. “No. I don’t think so.”
“Honey, when somebody tells you a secret, it’s not your secret to tell. And when somebody is telling you that secret, they’re trusting you to keep that for them.” I reached over and ran my fingers down the side of his face. “You sure this secret isn’t hurting anybody?”
He looked down, and those long lashes glanced his cheeks. He then gave a firm nod. “I’m sure.”
Thank God.
I wasn’t sure I could deal with much more upset today. “Okay, then no, sweetie. You shouldn’t tell anybody.”
“Not even you?” he queried sensibly.
“Me?” I pinched his cheek lightly, playfully, and he broke out into a huge smile. “You can tell me anything.” I winked at him. “We don’t keep secrets, right?”
I didn’t understand it. He looked visibly upset but whispered, “Right.”
Uh oh.
Not good.
My heart stuttered as I helped him out of his seat. I got out of the car and pulled him to me, hugging him to my side. His arm went around my waist.
What was going on with my boy? I was suddenly anxious.
“You can tell me anything.” I looked down at him, unblinking. “Anything at all. And I won’t get upset. I’ll just listen if you need me to, but—” I stopped, stood in his path, and knelt down, looking my son deep in the eye. “—we don’t keep secrets from each other, buddy.”
He nodded slowly, wisely, as though he was caught in a predicament and wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Shit.