It was one night when Van and I had gotten into a relatively animated argument that I called him a pedophile. I wasn’t prepared for the blow, and when Van slapped me, he did it hard enough that I saw stars.
Panting through the shock, he leant over me as I clutched my cheek, and spat, “You think you’re the only victim here?” Well, yes, I had. And I watched my brother’s chest heave with anger, with anxiety, as he blinked away tears at the memories. “You think we wanted to do those things?” He shook his head. “You were too young to remember. You have no idea what was done to us if we refused.” He looked blankly at the wall. “He never touched you. That didn’t stop him from touching us.” When he snapped out of his trance, he blinked a moment then snarled at me. “You fucking watch how you talk to me, Ling Ling.” When he walked away, leaving me on the floor, he uttered, “Don’t talk about shit you know nothing about.”
It was the severity of those words, the hidden pain in his voice, that made me see the truth for what it was. Van was right. I wasn’t the only victim of my father’s cruelty.
We didn’t speak about it often, but when we did, I felt myself expel the anger inside me, float a while with the lightness in the air, and tonight, I needed it.
He handed me the blunt and I took it, licking my lips and holding it between my fingers. “Do you remember what you did to me? What he made you do to me?”
I put the smoke to my lips and breathed it in, closing my eyes, basking in the warm glow of my high.
With his back to the sofa, Van nodded. His voice was whisper soft. “Yes.”
I took another hit and my mind turned heady. I didn’t mean to ask what I did. “Do you want to do it again?”
Complete honesty. “No, but I think about it sometimes.”
Same. And I was disgusted with myself.
And this was why we were as close as we were. Nobody understood. Only we comprehended the confusion child sex abuse caused, the puzzlement of being groomed by a family member and not knowing it was happening, and finally, the heartbreaking experience of occasionally experiencing pleasure at the hands of somebody you shouldn’t.
Of course, we weren’t to blame. We didn’t know any better. We were just kids, and the person we were meant to trust betrayed us. He betrayed us all.
No wonder we were as fucked up as we were.
“Do you want children?”
Van scoffed. “Fuck, no.”
Fair enough. Only one of my brothers had a child, and he stayed as far away from that child as possible, scared to mess him up as much as we had been.
“I do,” I revealed, taking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly. “I did anyways.”
He leant back and the back of his head touched my shoulder. “Then you’ll have kids, Ting-a-Ling. No biggie.”
I ran my fingers through his hair fondly, and we returned to a comfortable silence.
No. It wasn’t meant to be.
As much as it saddened me, children weren’t for me.
And I would just have to live with the bitter jealousy that she got the child that was by all intents and purposes, mine.
Chapter Four
Lexi
I was in the kitchen when someone knocked at the front door. Molly put down the wooden spoon she was using to stir the pasta sauce and wiped her hands on a tea towel. “I’ll get it.”
God, she was a good girl. I was grateful to have her in my home, in my life. I hoped she knew how much I appreciated her. Lord knows, I reminded her as often as I could.
The second I heard the door open, Molly uttered an amused, “Geez, you look like shit. Long flight?”
And I had to quell the urge to squeak from excitement. Rushing forward in my Pikachu slippers, I saw him and threw my arms up, beaming, “You’re home!”
Happy was scowling at Molly. “Ease up, lil bit.” Then he came forward, sparing a tired smile. “Hey, beautiful.” He was slow to wrap his arms around me, and when he did, I felt the weight of him settle on me, squeezing me tight. My hands came up to grip the back of his jacket, and I held him as firm as he did me. Rubbing my back, he pulled away but only slightly to look down at me through smiling eyes. “How you doing?”
I looked up into his weary face and my smile fell. “Are you okay?”
With his sigh, he closed his eyes, and his thick lashes looked remarkably long against his cheeks. After a moment, he ran a hand down his face and shook his head. “Don’t worry about it.” Then he forced another smile. “I want to hear about you. How’s my boy?”
Something didn’t seem right. Happy had been away for a week, and that was a long time for us. Usually a day or two didn’t go by without us seeing each other. At least once a week, he, Nikki, and Dave came by for dinner. I was curious as to why he seemed so glum.
I jerked my chin at him, softening my smile. “Why don’t you see for yourself? He’s been asking about you.”
Happy’s smile widened before he kissed my cheek. “Be right back.” Before he went to A.J.’s room, he pulled something out of his jacket pocket and took it with him down the hall.
And then I heard the little monster exclaim, “Uncle Happy!”
This was followed by laughter and muted conversation. Molly and I exchanged an amused glance before getting back to our assigned tasks. We were having a full house tonight, and that meant lots of food, lots of conversation, and lots of laughter. On the menu was spaghetti and meatballs, and I made this knowing it was Happy’s favorite.
A.J. rushed out of his room holding something bulky in his hand. “Look what Uncle Happy got me!”
He held out the Grim Reaper themed Matryoshka doll and I huffed out a laugh. What a morbid gift. Unfortunately, after inheriting quite a few of his father’s things, A.J. now had a fascination with skeletons. His most prized possession in the world was Twitch’s skull-and-crossbones cufflinks. There was a while where he’d take them everywhere with him.
“Oh, honey. That’s so—” My eyes widened as I struggled to find the word. “—cool.”
Molly came over, eyeing the nesting dolls with avid interest. “That’s awesome, little dude.” She gently cuffed him on the chin, smiling. “That looks hand painted. I’ll bet it’s the only one like it. Lucky.”
A.J. looked overjoyed at the news and went over to the couch to open it up and explore the macabre present. It took me a while to notice Happy hadn’t emerged from A.J.’s room. When I made it to the open doorway and saw Happy lying on A.J.’s small single bed, his face soft with sleep, I smiled, but my eye caught something sticking out of my son’s underwear drawer.
Gently pulling it open, I took out the cool metal and blinked.
It was a watch.
A very male, very bulky watch. One I’d never seen before.
Frowning down at it, I held the heavy silver in my hands and turned it over, examining the beautiful timepiece. “Where did this come from?”
I didn’t hear A.J. come up behind me. He spoke quietly. “It’s Dad’s.” I twisted back to look at him, and the little monster smiled a toothy grin. “I’m holding onto it until he comes back for it.”
My eyes closed and I spun around, swallowing hard through the sadness his words evoked.
Damn it, A.J.
Daddy is not coming back.
I fought the thickness in my throat.
Stop.
My heart began to ache painfully.
Please... you’re killing me, baby.
Without a word, I shoved the watch back into the drawer, shut it with a light slam, then took a deep breath and changed the subject. “Quiet, honey. Let Uncle Happy nap.” As I moved past him, I put a gentle hand to his back and led him back to the kitchen.
How long was this going to go on?
I needed advice, and tonight, surrounded by friends, was probably the best place to get it.
Not long after, the sound of the lock turning let me know we had another guest. When Nikki rushed in, wide-eyed and elated, she completely ignored us and said, “Where is he?”
With a roll of my eyes, I pointed down the hall, and with a swoosh of her long, red hair, she went looking for her man. The moment she looked in the room and saw his sleeping form, her expression went from excited to sad. She put a gentle hand to her heart and walked into the room. I heard her gently wake Happy. “Aw. You’re sleepy.”