“Hold that thought, Buttercup,” he says, picking up the cordless receiver. He looks at the caller ID and glances back at me. “It’s mom. With perfect timing, as usual.”
I force a smile. My stomach is a nervous mess. I was just about to confess to White that I was still taking birth control. I wanted to tell him that I’d been crazy, that I was afraid to trust him, and that finally I’m believing in what we have. I know he might be upset with me, maybe even disappointed, but I want to get it out there and move forward.
I can’t believe he just told my sister I’m his fiancée! My heart is almost beating out of my chest. It’s like having a dream your entire life and, by some miracle, it’s actually happening. Not much in my life has worked out, with the exception of being taken under Ida Sue’s wing. Memories of the contempt my stepfather had for me, of the way he left me behind, has colored my entire life. I tried so hard to be like Rachel, to do the things she said he expected of me, but nothing worked, and as hard as I tried not to take that internally, I know that I failed. There’s always a part of me that feels not good enough, not pretty enough. Not enough, period.
“Kayla! Buttercup! Did you hear me?!”
I jerk around to look at White, who is busy pulling his shirt back on and looking around the room. “What?” I ask, confused.
“I said CC is in labor! We have to get down to mom’s—well, the hospital, really. We don’t want to miss the birth of my two nephews!”
“Oh, wow. She’s in labor? I thought they chose not to know what they’re having,” I point out, my stomach feeling funny. Whether it is from the thought of White not knowing I’m still on birth control, how excited he is about seeing Gray’s children, or sadness that I’m not having a child, I can’t begin to decipher.
“Gray says they’ll be boys. Only the doctor knows. CC forbid them to tell anyone. The doctors did warn them that first-time pregnancies can take forever to deliver, but you know CC, and apparently the babies are demanding to come out now, so we’ve got to get a move on,” White says, pulling me off the bed. He’s smiling from ear to ear and he seems so happy. That queasiness in my stomach only intensifies.
“We better get going, then,” I tell him, and I do my best to smile.
“Hey. Are you okay?” White asks, concerned. I guess I didn’t quite achieve the smile I wanted.
“I’m fine. I just can’t believe that CC is in labor,” I tell him, which isn’t exactly a lie—at least not a full one.
“I know, but she’s not that early. The babies are fine. It’s going to go great, you’ll see. And pretty soon, it will be you and me getting ready to welcome our child into the world.”
“You really want that,” I whisper, and it’s not a question, because for the first time, I see the truth shining in his blue eyes.
“More than I could tell you, Buttercup. It’s going to happen. Someday soon, I’ll see your stomach stretched with our child. I’ll be able to feel him kick in your belly and know that the most beautiful part of the two of us is alive and growing, and getting stronger. You’re going to be an amazing mother, Kayla.”
That sick feeling in my stomach intensifies. Guilt feels as if it is churning so thick, it might eat me alive. I’ve been so wrong. Now would be the time to tell him the truth. Now would be the time to confess everything to White and beg him to understand. I find I can’t. My tongue refuses work. The words are frozen in my throat. I can’t even find the words to tell him I love him too. How pathetic is that? Not because I don’t, but because I do. I love White. I’ve always loved White. I’m just scared to tell him that, especially since I’ve been kind of lying to him since the beginning. As I look into his eyes, I make a vow to myself: I won’t take my birth control anymore. White doesn’t need to know I’ve been taking them. I’ll stop now and then I can give him the child we’ve been trying for. I can make this right, for both of us.
The pills are hidden inside my purse, a fact I remember with crystal clear clarity when he hands me my purse and jacket and pulls me towards the front door. I follow him, trying to sort through all the chaos in my mind. In the end, I decide that this plan is the safest bet I have. I’ll flush the pills when I get to Ida Sue’s. I’ll get rid of everything and White and I will make a child. It will all work out. He’ll never know that I doubted him. I can make this right. As he helps me get into the car and closes my door, I let my eyes drift shut. I see a picture of White holding our child. This will work… It has to.
CHAPTER 49
WHITE