I don't know what my heart has room for. Maybe it's a foster child. Maybe it's a son I'll have with the man I marry. Maybe it's a girl named May who belongs to a man I can't stop thinking about.
"I want you to meet her, Ellie." He leans back in the chair, his shoe tapping on the floor. "I'm not going to push you to do it soon, but you'll like her. She'll like you. When you're ready, you just give me the word and I'll set it up."
I smile with a silent nod of my chin. I'm not ready. I'm not sure when I'll be but I am one hundred percent sure that I'm not ready to walk away from Nolan just yet.
Chapter 40
Nolan
"I had no idea you still owned this place." Crew stands in the foyer of the apartment Ellie coined as my shoebox. I didn't share that tidbit with him. I won't. That's something that I want to exist between only Ellie and me.
"He gave it to me on my twenty-first birthday. I can't sell it."
I don't have to define who he is. Crew knows. My grandfather handed me the keys to this apartment the day I turned twenty-one. I didn't appreciate it at the time. I thanked him but not in the way I should have. I knew the gift was coming. He'd given my sister, Sarah, a one bedroom in Chelsea on her twenty-first birthday. It was two years prior to the day I got my keys. I hugged him, looked at the views and then took off to hit a string of bars with my friends.
I christened the place later that night with a woman I can't remember. I nailed her on the foyer floor. Our clothes were a twisted mess as we went at each other while we were both still riding the high of the tray of tequila shots we'd shared.
The day after my birthday I ordered furniture and equipped the apartment with all the essentials. The piano arrived a month later. It belonged to my grandmother when she was alive. She wanted me to learn to play. I never have.
"You can sell it." Crew walks to the windows and stares out at the view. "You'd make some nice coin on this, pal. We can use my new listing agent. She's got her finger on the pulse of the market. She'll get you top dollar and have it sold in a week."
"I'm not selling." I run my fingers along the keys of the piano. The sound is rough and out of tune. "I want this place to stay in the family."
"You think May is going to want to live here when she's a grown-up?"
"It's an option." I push back the mental image of my daughter as an adult. I can't think about it. The concept is so far-fetched that it's out of my reach. "If she doesn't want it, maybe one day her kids will."
"Emmanuel would be fine with you selling it." He looks up at the high ceilings. "You made memories here. Life moves on, Nolan. He'd get that."
He might. I don't know that for sure.
When he handed me the keys, he told me to make the most of it. He brought me the framed pictures of our sailboat. It was the boat he'd purchased for the two of us when I was May's age. I learned how to rig the sails by watching him and when I could finally do it myself, he called me a true sailor and gave me the name Rigs. I loved the name almost as much as I loved the man.
We hung those pictures in the hall together. His eyes watered when I told him I'd never move them from that spot and I haven't. I can't. His hands touched the frames as I stood back eyeing them so he could level them.
"The apartment stays as is," I say with a dismissive wave. "I need to grab some things from the office. Once I do that, we can get those beers you promised me."
"You've got a deal. If you need help, let me know."
I turn to leave the room, my eyes catching on the couch and something shiny wedged between two of the cushions. I walk over and tug it free. It's a pendant attached to a thin gold chain. It's Ellie's. She was wearing this the first night we came here.
Earlier today when she was in my office she had a string of fake pearls around her neck. She'd fingered them as we talked about last night. I wanted to invite her out for a late dinner, but her body language said it all. She needs time to digest the fact that I've made the conscious choice to never have another child. It may be a deal breaker for her. If it is, I have to accept it. I chase the thought away with a shake of my head.
"Who does that belong to?" Crew eyes the necklace.
"Ellie," I say under my breath as I hold his gaze. "I've brought her here a few times."
"You're inching closer to taking her home to May. You still think that's a good idea?"
I pinch the bridge of my nose. I don't know what to think anymore. Ellie is young and ambitious. She wants to be a police officer, and eventually a mom. Her life plan is carved out in her mind and I doubt like hell it includes a man with a kid who refuses to have another.
The chime of my phone saves me from trying to piece together an answer to Crew's question. I read the text message that pops up on the screen.
"I need to bail on those beers, Crew."
"Mayday?" he asks as he stalks the room toward the apartment door. "Let's go. I'll get an Uber."
"May's fine," I say as I tuck the necklace in the front pocket of my jeans. "I'm meeting Ellie."