***
A vasectomy? He had one. He can't have another child, ever.
"Did you hear what I said, Ellie?"
I lift my head when he asks the question. I look at him. He's young. He's older than I am by a few years but he's not even thirty yet and he's made the decision not to have another child. Logically, I understand why but still it seems drastic for someone his age.
"Yes." I pick up the mug of tea. "You had a vasectomy."
It shouldn't bother me. It's not as if he just proposed marriage and then dropped that bombshell on me. We're dating. We had sex; very safe sex which is a plus I didn't know about until now. Still, it tugs at the corner of my heart to know that he can't ever be a dad again.
"Does it bother you?"
Why should it? We'll date for a while, and then he'll move on to someone new and I will too. Eventually, I'll meet a guy I fall in love with and we'll get married and have kids.
"No." My voice is barely more than a whisper. "Maybe. I'm not sure."
He presses his lips together as he studies me. Then he licks them, quickly. "I had it done a week after May arrived. I didn't want to risk having another baby."
"Are you glad you did it?" I ask. "Do you think you'll ever regret it?"
He opens his mouth and then snaps it shut. He gazes across the café at a couple with a baby in a stroller. The baby is fussing. The mom and dad, taking turns handing it toys and a bottle filled with milk. "I'm glad I have May. She's the only child I want."
It's honest. It's also finite. A long term relationship with Nolan Black means no children of my own. I shake off the thought. "I guess I'm safe to assume that Shelby didn't know about it before last night."
"She didn't," he concurs. "I explained to her last night that she's barking up the wrong tree. She insisted that she'll still get a court order for my DNA to prove I'm the father. I told her to call my lawyer."
A child's life is being broken down into legal briefs and blood samples. That's not how I want it to be when I become a mom. I want my baby to feel loved and wanted. I want every second of my pregnancy to be filled with hope and promise.
"Tell me what you're thinking, Ellie. What's going through that beautiful mind?"
"A million thoughts." I pick up the mug and then put it back on the table in the next breath. "It's a lot to take in."
"I know," he says firmly. "I didn't anticipate us having this conversation yet. I didn't know it would be this soon."
His words suggest that he was planning it at some point. He sees potential where I see nothing but utter confusion.
Do I keep dating a man who can never be a father to my children?
What happens if I fall in love with him and realize that having children of my own means more to me than he does?
"Do you see yourself having children one day, Ellie?"
I nod my head while a grin pulls at the corner of my lips. "I think so. It's a distant concept to me at this point, but I think one day I'd like to be a mom."
He takes a deep breath. "I understand if this changes things for you. I still want to see you, but if you need to walk away, I promise I'll only chase you for a few weeks."
I let out a laugh. I'm not sure if there's anything genuine in it or not. I'm also not convinced that ending this is the right thing for me. I like him. I like him so much that the thought of walking away from him, makes me pause.
What harm is there in seeing where this will go? If it gets too serious, I can stop and take a breath to think about what I want.
"I still want to see you," I reassure him. "No promises, Nolan. We need to take this day-by-day. Date-by-date."
"We can take this whatever way you want it, Ellie."
I pick up the mug of tea and take a sip. "I want it slow and steady."
"We're still talking about dating, right? You're not talking about…"
"No," I interrupt with a small smile. "I'm not talking about fucking. I'm talking about going home to my place and you going home to your apartment."
"So I can think about all the things I wish I were doing to you?" he whispers as he leans forward on the table.
So you can be there for your daughter if she wakes up. The only daughter you'll ever have.
I don't say it even though it's the only thing I can think about. Nolan Black comes with a ridiculous amount of baggage, yet I can't walk away. I know I should but somewhere deep inside me it feels like there's a link to him that is too strong to ignore.
Chapter 39
Ellie
"I'm the expert, Bean." Adley taps her fingers on her chest. "I'm your resident expert on vasectomies. Ask, and I shall answer."
I apply mascara to my lashes never once looking away from the mirror. "I don't have any questions."
"None?"
"One," I acquiesce when I turn to look at her in the doorway of the bathroom we share. "How exactly are you an expert on vasectomies?"