She set her hand on my back. “Have you actually tried telling her how you feel about her?”
The laugh I gave her was hard and almost ended in tears. “Oh, we’ve been there, trust me. Not only have I told her, but we’ve even had sex together...which ended in her having a stroke and pretty much paralyzing her entire left side.”
Hell, I couldn’t believe I’d just told her all that. But honestly, it felt good to get this shit out of my system. Everyone else I knew was already friends with Sarah, so they knew all the details. It was nice to talk to someone a little more impartial about what was going on. And I’d gotten to know Julianna enough I felt I could confide in her.
She gasped and covered her mouth with both hands. “God, Brandt. I am so sorry.”
“Yeah.” I nodded, numb to all the sympathy. “So you can imagine why I’d die before I ever touched her again.” My shoulders wilted in around me. “I almost fucking killed her.”
“Are you sure—”
“Yes!” I yelled. “I’m sure. The seizure started before we even put our clothes back on. God.” Hugging myself, I rocked back and forth. The only thing I could see when I closed my eyes was her writhing out of control. “We’re going to have to go back to just being friends,” I chanted to myself, “because I can’t do this. I can’t put her life at risk this way. I have to keep my hands off her.”
Julianna was silent as she rubbed my back.
I focused on breathing through my nose so I didn’t lose my cool more than I already was. I’d been on the verge of breaking down all week. I could hold it together. I had to hold it together.
“I even thought I could convince myself I could...you know, move past her if I...if I...with other women. But—”
“You can’t,” Juli stated baldly, shattering all the hope I’d ever fostered of her saving me from my Sarah dilemma. “I can see it on your face; you don’t want to move past her.”
“Okay, fine,” I growled, gripping my hair. “I don’t. But that solves nothing. What the fuck am I supposed to do?”
With a sad smile, Juli asked, “How much do you love her?”
My laugh was dry and unamused as I admitted, “She’s my entire life.”
She nodded as if she suspected as much. “Then, honey, you already know what you have to do.”
Shit.
I did.
I couldn’t stop loving Sarah. Once we’d become a couple, that was it. I was in that relationship for life. And I’d just proven I couldn’t bring myself to go to other women for sex. I couldn’t stomach being with anyone but Sarah.
Which only left...
“Oh, Jesus,” I breathed, feeling doomed. “I’m never having sex again in my life, am I?”
Panic consumed me as I met Juli’s sympathetic gaze. “If you think she’s worth it,” she murmured softly.
“Fuck, yes, she’s worth it, but...damn.”
My poor cock. I whimpered and set my hands against my lap, cradling the part of my body that was about to become sorely neglected for the rest of my doomed life. I really hoped the theory that jacking off too many times could make a man go blind was a myth, because I was about to test it out.
But like I’d said, it was worth it.
Sarah was worth a lifetime of abstinence.
Blowing out a breath with new resolve, I glanced at Juli and said, “I can do this.”
And I would.
For Sarah.
SARAH
Life post-stroke was...different.
The sensation of touch had declined significantly in my left hand. I could no longer grip with it, and my left leg was pretty much worthless. It felt funny to pee now, too, because my left butt cheek went numb a lot.
Swallowing had also become a little more difficult. The first time I spit up my food after a meal, I hid it from Reese and Mason so they wouldn’t know. Everyone hated how much I’d suffered, so I kept as much as I could under tabs so as not to distress them. I just...chewed a lot more before swallowing, and I had more shakes and smoothies.
I got more headaches and grew tired easier, but at least it hadn’t impaired my thinking. The one thing I’d always been most grateful for was the continued ability to reason.
I considered myself lucky.
But all the physical side effects seemed minor compared to how it changed my relationship with...everyone. Mason used to be the only family member who worried overmuch about me, and Reese would usually talk him down and relax him into letting me do something that might be even remotely dangerous. But now...Reese was just as bad as he was. They scolded the twins any time Issa or Gray tried to climb into my lap.
Brandt’s behavior was the worst, though. About a day after I came home from the hospital, he came to visit me, apologizing and telling me he was sorry for pushing me away. He told me he couldn’t just be my friend any longer and wanted to remain my boyfriend.
It had sounded good at first, too good to be true. He’d finally come around, and life could return to normal, right?
Not even close.