Sinking into the chair next to her, I buried my face in my hands. “So, so there’s no way you’ll ever be able to walk now?”
“Brandt,” she said softly, shaking her head as sympathy filled her blue eyes. “You and I both know that was never going to happen, anyway.”
“Yeah, but you’d been working at it for years, and you were getting better. Now, even the dream of it is dead. I ruined—” My chest heaved and tears threatened. Damn it, I was going to lose it in front of her. I refused to lose it in front of her. “Jesus.” I ran my fingers up into my hair and clutched two handfuls hard by the roots.
I’d killed one of her dreams.
Shaking her head, Sarah whispered, “Oh my God.” Tears filled her eyes. “You’re never going to touch me again, are you?”
I glanced away as pain clawed at my heart. “Sarah...”
“No.” She reached for me, gripping my arm. “Don’t do this, Brandt. Please. Please.... You have to know this was just a horrible coincidence that it happened when it did.”
I sucked in a deep breath. “It wasn’t a coincidence.”
“It could’ve been.”
“No!” I surged to my feet, breathing hard. “I almost killed you, and that’s...that’s not acceptable. Oh my God.” I spun away to pace her room. “If I’d waited any longer to get you help, you...you might not be here right now.”
“So, see,” she reached for me again. “You saved me. You didn’t hurt me. You’d never hurt me. Brandt, please, I’m begging you. Don’t take the blame for this. Please don’t stop what we just started because you’re scared. I don’t want to lose you.”
“You’ll never lose me.” I brought her knuckles to my mouth and kissed them. “You’ll always be my best friend. Nothing could change that.”
Closing her eyes, she cried even harder. “I don’t want to be just your friend any longer.”
“And I don’t want to kill you,” I whispered.
Tears ran down her cheeks. Each and every one of them slayed me, but I just stood there, refusing to tell her we would carry on as if nothing had happened. There was no way in hell I’d ever touch her sexually again, not as long as it put her life at risk.
“What about you and me being together permanently?” she asked, sniffing at her tears. “Being clingy, and possessive and jealous? You can’t make a promise like that to me and then just take it back.”
“I can if it puts you in danger. My first instinct toward you is protection, and I will keep you safe, no matter what it takes.”
Growling out a frustrated sound, she squeezed my hand harder. “God, you’re so stubborn. Why can’t your first stupid instinct be to love me? Just...love me.”
“I do,” I swore to her. “I love you with everything I have, and I always will. But I will not lose you. I can’t.” This time, the mere threat of tears was no more. They became real as they spilled down my cheeks, each one crying out for me to take her into my arms and just hold her.
Except that was what had started this.
Pulling my hand forcefully out of hers, I choked out, “If keeping my hands off you is the only way to keep you in my life, then that’s what I’ll do.”
She stared at me, all the pain and grief in her soul shimmering in her eyes. “Don’t do something stupid,” she said.
I had no idea what she meant, but I wiped the wetness from my cheeks. “I won’t.”
She didn’t seem to believe me. She reached out again. “Brandt, I’m serious. Don’t—”
Lifting my hands, I backed away some more. “I can’t do this,” I rasped. “I can’t...I’ll be back later. I swear, I love you, but I can’t...I’ll be back.”
Whirling away, I rushed from her hospital room. I felt like the biggest, most worthless coward on the planet, but I just couldn’t stay.
I’d failed my girl in every way possible.
BRANDT
I was going to do something stupid.
Drinking myself blind sounded like the plan of the century. And wasn’t it a lucky coincidence I worked in a bar?
As soon as they announced last call, kicked out the lingering few stragglers, and locked the front doors of Forbidden, I dug up an old bottle of the cheapest bourbon I could find in the back of the stash—something Pick wouldn’t notice missing—and cracked it open before pouring myself a liberal amount into a tumbler.
Shooting the whole thing straight, I hissed through the tongues of fire that lapped up the insides of my throat and ground my teeth as my eyes watered. God, that was some rough shit.
I poured myself another glass. Swallowing that one down, I vaguely realized I should probably care that I wasn’t helping the others with cleanup, but sadly, I was unable to give a single fuck.
“Well, that’s not a very original concoction,” a familiar voice said from behind me, making me jump.
I spun around and winced when I came face-to-face with Julianna. “What?”