Wordlessly, I step off the porch, picking up my skateboard and tucking it under my arm. I don’t ride it, because I take the slow walk home, barely even remembering the trip when my door is suddenly in front of me.
As soon as I walk inside, I spot my mother on the couch with vomit oozing from her lips as she snores. Moving closer, I push her onto her stomach so she doesn’t choke on her puke and die, and I move into my bedroom, stepping over the dirt where the floor is missing, and sitting down on my dirty mattress.
Every reason I had for looking forward to the future is gone. I was stupid to think I ever deserved any of it. I’m a James. People don’t love us. They just fuck us. People don’t care about us. We just exist.
Life doesn’t open up and accept everyone. Some people get swallowed into the darkness or left out in the cold. I just wanted to stay in the warmth a little while longer.
When the first hot tear hits my cheek, I turn over on my side and stare through my broken window as the suffocating room gets hotter with the daylight. At least Mika will be happy, even if I continue to suffer through hell.
At least I can’t ruin her life if I’m not in it.
Chapter 8
CHASE
“You haven’t touched me all week,” Whit says against my ear, running her hand down my chest to my stomach, slipping it inside my boxers and latching on to my flaccid cock while I finish brushing my teeth.
I can’t even get morning wood right now. Fucking Mika. Fucking summer. Fucking life.
“I need to go,” I tell Whit, withdrawing her hand from my boxers and grabbing my jeans from the counter to put on.
“She was obviously more than someone you met one summer, so freaking tell me. This is getting old, Chase, and Mika still hasn’t been back to work. How stupid do you think I am? Maybe if you talk about it, you can stop being pissed off about whatever she did to you. It’s starting to make me hate her, and I don’t even know why I need to hate her. Obviously it was really bad.”
Shit. This is not a morning conversation. Hell, this isn’t an any-time-of-day conversation. But it’s not going away, because Mika is apparently not going away, and Whit has to work with her.
How the hell did this happen?
Blowing out a breath, I turn to face Whit. She really does look pissed.
“Mika was my first,” I say abruptly, watching as her eyes almost bug out of her head. Probably should have worded it differently.
“Holy shit. This can’t be real. Is that why she’s here?” she squeaks. “Because of you? Is that why she hired me?”
I grab her arms to keep her from flailing them into something, and hold her still.
“Trust me, she had no fucking clue you and I were together, because she sure as hell didn’t act like she expected to see me. And now she’s hiding because she’s avoiding me, just like I’m avoiding her.”
The confusion in Whit’s eyes is frustrating. I really don’t ever tell this shit to anyone. Not even my friends—the ones I kept. Blake and I bought the property with my shop and his garage together, then set up our own places. He came around that summer Mika disappeared, and he kept me from turning out just like my parents.
Not even he knows about her or how much she fucking destroyed me without even trying. He only knows there was a girl that I can’t talk about.
I was young then. I’m not anymore. So why do I still feel like I can’t control myself around her? Why am I fucking hiding in my own town from her?
Rolling my eyes and groaning, I try to explain a little more. Whit deserves it.
“She used to come up on the summers, and finally, one summer she took my V-card. End of story. It was the last summer I saw her,” I say, downplaying it without lying to her.
“So you’re both wild-eyed, crazy, and avoiding each other because she took your virginity? That’s it?” she asks me, even though her words are loaded with suspicion.
“Summer was intense. I’m the one who ended it, Whit. Not her.”
I’m the one who burned every letter that came after that day. I’m the one who knew it was smart to just move on. At least she finally quit sending the letters and moved on too. But what the fuck is she doing with our bowling alley in my town now after all these years? Why isn’t she a fucking doctor in New York?
And how the fucking hell am I going to stay away from her?
Whit runs a hand through her hair, still studying me. “So you’re over her? Because you both looked like it happened just yesterday. How long ago was it?”
“Eleven years ago it technically ended, but twelve years ago was the last summer I saw her,” I say without even having to think about it, then wince when her eyes widen. I knew those numbers too quickly. I should have at least pretended to count it up.
“Okay,” she says quietly, backing away. “I should probably get to work.”
I step aside and let her out, and she doesn’t look back at me before she shuts the door to the room. I haven’t even been able to fucking touch her in that way since the day I saw Mika back in town. She’s already in my head, and I barely even saw her.
I need to get my shit together before she tears it all apart.
Chapter 9
MIKA