Bull’s eyes had moved from the pan to the beautiful and glistening eyes of a kid he was starting to think of as his own. No. He wasn’t starting to think it. He knew it. Lexie was his. As was Mia. That’s why it fucking gutted him to see the pain etched in Lexie’s face as she asked the question. Why it ripped him apart inside to see her collapse yesterday. Seeing Mia succeed in being strong for her daughter while she bled internally. Floored him to see how much strength they both had. Gave him strength, renewed vigor to fight his own demons.
It grated him that this was a hurt he couldn’t save them from, protect them from. The first time he saw them in two weeks was when both of their beautiful faces were contorted in pain. He was thankful as fuck he chose to come back today, after realizing he could barely live two weeks without the woman who consumed his mind. The kid who lit up his life.
“Not sure about God, girl. Don’t believe in something that would cause so much pain to people that deserve a lifetime of happiness,” he answered honestly. “But I do believe those people, those good people, go somewhere better, somewhere they deserve,” he continued.
Bull didn’t believe in Heaven. Wished he could. Wished with every fiber of his being that he did. That might have made the fight against his own personal demons that much easier. Given him another weapon in his arsenal. To know she might be in that place, whole and healed from the horrors life had given her in her final hours. But the darkness that he welcomed as an old friend, the one inside his soul told him there was nothing but black. Nothing to help. Nothing to ease the guilt. Not that he’d ever educate Lexie on this fact. He’d tell a thousand lies about a kingdom in the sky to his last breath if that meant he could protect her from the hurt.
“Do you think Ava and Steve are there?” she asked in a voice so vulnerable he knew he needed to give her everything he could to protect her.
He cupped her face. “Know it, darlin,’” he lied.
The look of relief on her face was almost enough to make him believe there was something else. Surely the universe wouldn’t be that cruel to take something away from someone like Lexie and not give her guardian angels in return.
Her head turned. “Mom!” she exclaimed, and ran over to embrace her mother.
Mia looked beautiful even with her frame sagging from the weight of her grief. Even wearing the weak mask she had to protect her daughter from the extent of her sorrow. She was the most beautiful fuckin’ woman he’d ever laid eyes on. Ever. And he knew it. She was. That thought stabbed him in the heart as he locked eyes with her over Lexie’s shoulder. She had been beautiful. In every way. Inside and out. It was an innocent beauty. In a way her life had never given her pain, hardship or a rough road. Bull knew life had given Mia pain, hardship and a rough fuckin’ road. All the ingredients to chip away at beauty and ruin it. Instead it added to it. Made her beyond beautiful. A fuckin’ supernova.
So when Lexie moved away from her mother he had no choice but to go to her. To lay his lips on her head. Feel her warmth. Smell her sweet scent. Give her any strength it was possible to give her. Because he would give her and Lexie every ounce of whatever he had left in him to give them sunshine, give them a smooth road. He already knew they were the only fuckin’ light in the pitch black that was his life. Made him think something could grow out of the charred ashes of his soul. He knew in that moment he could never live in the darkness again.
One Week Later
I sat in my car, gazing at the wrought iron archway in front of me, unable to move. My seatbelt was still on. I had barely been able to turn the ignition off, but I did. I couldn’t do more than that though, more than stare up at the building that I had grown to love in my short time in Amber. One of the many things I had grown to love. But now I couldn’t get how I could go in there. How I could still love it.
It had been a week since the day I got the terrible news, since my and Lexie’s world, and family got a whole lot smaller. Since the morning that Lexie’s and my family also got bigger, with a biker giving us support that we wouldn’t have been able to survive without. Packing, flying to DC, planning a funeral, dealing with fake and inconsiderate friends. It was harder seeing the real ones, the genuine friends who had been a part of not only Ava and Steve’s life, but mine and Lexie’s. People we hadn’t seen in months, people who had come to support us. Somehow, that was harder.