Bull thought the past four years of his life had been hard. They had. They’d been fuckin’ agony. Living in that void, that void of nothingness, despair and self-hatred. That was a fate worse than death. Living those two months didn’t compare to that hell, because at least he could breathe knowing his girls were still in the light, still bathing in sunshine. That’s what got him through every day. That and the club. He’d gone nomad for two months, driving all over the fuckin’ country, trying to find a way out. A way out of the darkness he found himself back in, facing a life without them. So he did shit. Shit that took him back to the depths. Shit that left the taste of ash in his mouth. But nothing could get him to forget her. Forget them. Not for a second. So he lost his control, found himself back in Amber. Told himself it was only to sell his house. Talk to Cade about leaving permanently.
Then he saw her. The light came gleaming back in as soon as he glimpsed her. Her struggled against it. Fucking battled, especially when he tasted her lips again. Took everything he had to pull himself off her. When he couldn’t find it in himself to be cruel, to dismiss her, he tried to disgust her. By telling her about Laurie. He spoke the words that had never seen the light of day, expecting her to think of him as a monster, the way he thought of himself. Instead, his beautiful girl gave him more. Forgiveness. The look in her eyes, the acceptance, somehow led to him forgiving himself. Finally letting go of that shit that had been festering, poisoning his soul. Then he got her back. In every way. And fuck if he didn’t feel like grinning, ear to ear.
“Zane?”
Bull jerked up, moved his eyes from his guitar. The one that Laurie had bought him. The one he played in bed to her, after she would beg him to play stupid girly songs. He would. Back then, he’d do anything to put a smile on her face. Didn’t take much to put a smile on his either.
His eyes landed on Lexie. She had already thrown herself at him earlier that night when she first saw him. Beamed at him, gave him another shaft of light. She’d teared up a little, then commenced in an epic fuckin’ chatter, filling him in on everything he had missed in the last two months. Her face wasn’t light and easy like it had been then. It was tortured, full of anguish, something that didn’t belong on such a face.
Mia had told her. He wasn’t surprised. There were no secrets between those two.
He braced. He didn’t know what to expect from Lexie.
“Yeah, Lex,” he answered softly, carefully.
She walked up to him, moved to stand in front of him, and paused.
“Can I play you a song?” she asked finally, her voice quiet.
Bull gazed at her, then nodded.
She gave him a small, sad smile, then sat on the chair in front of him.
She started to play ‘Unclouded Day,’ by Audra Mae.
Bull had no fuckin’ clue how she knew to play that song. How she knew her soft voice, playing those fuckin’ soul wrenching words would fix him. Shake him to his core. Somehow bring him peace. Bring Laurie peace. He didn’t know how she knew to play that song, but he loved her for doing it. Every part of him. That moment, as she trailed off, finished the song, he knew he’d never see a glimpse of darkness again.
Little did he know, shit would happen to prove him fucking wrong.
One Month Later
I was happy. It wasn’t an excuse but it was one of the reasons. I was deliriously happy. Never in my wildest dreams would I have conjured up a man like Zane. Big. Tattooed. Scary. Silent. Silence was not something I knew well. Not something my daughter knew well. But it seemed to fit us. Seemed to counteract our constant chatter. Gave us balance. He didn’t need words to communicate how he felt with us. But he was using them more often, speaking to us. I commented on it, one night in bed. I was curled up in his side. I didn’t know what I had expected his answer to be, but I definitely didn’t expect my heart to almost explode with love.