‘That’s not the impression I get from the papers.’
‘Like that baby? They write up the bonkers cases, unsurprisingly. Do you know how many of these things go through the courts every week? Thankfully, most of them don’t have such extreme results. Bottom line, Vicky, you’re going to have to make a choice. I can’t make it for you. If you choose not to say anything though, I won’t take it any further. You don’t have to worry about that.’
‘Don’t forget Amber knows,’ I mutter.
‘Of course she does. Then, darling, the only thing you can do is come clean.’
I nod. I can do this. I will do this. I’m going to go and see Grayling tomorrow and tell him everything. But the first thing I’m going to do is talk to my mother. There’s a piece of amber in my pocket, crying out for an explanation.
‘Will you be my lawyer?’ The request is not spontaneous. It’s a decision I made overnight, the decision that finally allowed me to fall asleep.
‘I don’t think that’s a good idea. But I can give you the name of an excellent colleague. You’ll be in safe hands. I’ll just be your friend, if that’s all right with you.’
June 1992
MAGGIE DIDN’T TURN the car round and come back for her. Katya had never felt lonelier. Even sitting on the cold concrete floor of a passageway that reeked of bleach, waiting for Linda’s client to leave, hadn’t been as bad as this.
‘Let’s go ice-skating,’ Luke said. ‘I don’t want to be stuck inside all afternoon with Little Miss Misery.’
Katya hadn’t spoken to him since they brought her home, not that he had noticed. She got up, moving like a robot. She was all cried out now, her eyes reddened and her nose blown so often that the skin round her nostrils felt rough and sore. At least ice-skating meant other people. She had only been once, with Sally, and it hadn’t been a great success because Sally was as hopeless at it as she was, her long thin limbs as unsteady as Bambi’s.
She had to run to keep up with his stride. When they crossed on to Streatham High Road and hit the busy shopping area Katya began to feel like she was in a bubble, a cold world that other people didn’t bother entering. She watched strangers and wondered what they thought when they saw her, if they saw her. She wanted to tell them he wasn’t her dad. To shout it at their blank faces and wake them up.
‘Right,’ Luke said, as they pushed open the doors. ‘Here we are.’
She regarded the rink with some trepidation but Luke didn’t give her a chance to change her mind. He helped her do up her skates, crouching on the wet rubber floor to hook and tie the laces. He was excited about this; happier than she had seen him in weeks. Perhaps he liked it here. They hobbled to the rink and he was on first, skating a few yards, testing the ice, then coming back to her.
‘Are you ready?’
When she didn’t reply he merely smiled. She stepped on without releasing her grip on the rail. The ground almost slid from under her feet but she kept upright. She watched other children race by, some elegantly, some clumsily, grabbing the coats of their friends, righting themselves and zipping off again. There were plenty of children like her, timidly keeping to the edge, and she was determined not to be a coward like them. She let go and Luke grabbed her hand. At first all she could think of was that, the feeling of being both connected to him and trapped. It made her intensely self-conscious. And then because she was so focused on their hands she forgot about what her feet were doing and was surprised to find that she was moving.
‘Good girl. Slide forward and out on one foot and then the one behind. Your feet hardly need to leave the ice. No hurry. That’s right. And again. One. Two. One. Two. You’re skating.’
She felt a sort of rhythm develop but then slipped, her legs splaying. He caught her round her waist.
‘Try again.’
They took a lap together before he released her. She wobbled, swivelled and stamped clumsily to the edge.
Luke laughed. ‘Practise on your own for a minute.’
And he was off, weaving through the skaters, not leaning forward with his bum out like some of them, but standing tall and confident, as if it was second nature. She watched him cross his feet, switch direction and skate backwards, then switch back and shoot off. She wanted to be able to do that. He waved as he passed her and she looked away angrily. She wasn’t going to be friendly whatever he tried, and anyway she was more than happy to be left alone to practise. She took an experimental step then glided, one foot after the other, keeping her balance, trying not to be distracted by anyone else, determined not to be useless. She made it all the way round without falling and when she got back to where she started Luke was waiting, his hand held up for a high five.
‘Well done,’ he said.
She set off again, this time trying to ape his posture, his air of ease. It didn’t work and she fell but he was beside her in a flash, picking her up and brushing crushed ice from her trousers. He held her hand and they floated around and it was as if it wasn’t him, but the prince of her dreams. She felt a surge of euphoria as they increased their speed.
‘You OK?’ he shouted.
‘Yes!’
The word slipped out before she could stop it and she clamped her mouth shut. She hated herself for enjoying it so much but the cold air on her face and the music pulsing through her body were exhilarating. Despite herself, she caught the beat and then it was just her, her skates, the ice and the music. They came back to the side, Luke with an expert swivel and slice, Katya with a thump that almost bounced her off her feet.
‘Well, look at you,’ Luke said. ‘Who would have thought it?’
She watched two girls skate past, their hands locked round each other’s waists. One was a blonde, the other a brunette, and from the back they could have been her and Emily. They were talking, so relaxed and in harmony, they reminded her of ballroom dancers. She kept tabs on them as they wove between the other skaters. She wanted to catch them up, listen to their conversation.
‘I’ll teach you to skate backwards next time.’
Luke’s voice made her jerk her head round and she lost sight of them. Were they going home then? She flushed and moved away from him, set off on her own. Maybe if she kept going round and round, nothing would happen. The girls were at the side now, gloved hands on small hips, pink noses and bright eyes, watching the crowd revolve, turning to comment and roll their eyes as a group of show-off boys dashed by. The clock above the rink read nearly half past six. The crowd was thinning.
She watched the younger families leave and wondered why she had to be the unlucky one. No father and no mother meant having to fit in places that would never really want you in them, not without becoming a person who wasn’t you at all. It meant not being listened to. Linda once said, ‘There’s none so deaf as will not hear.’ Katya had been too young to understand, but their rhythm had ensured that the words remained with her until she did.