‘Then Mum?’
‘Your mother?’ He sounds genuinely surprised. ‘No, of course not. I bumped into Millie this morning. We were talking about Josh and she said she never apologized for nearly running you over in the rain and spraying you with water that morning. She said she forgot because of all the excitement over the burglary.’
I’m still not there. ‘When? I don’t understand. What did she mean she nearly ran me over?’
‘Apparently you crossed the road? She was distracted because she saw Amber standing in the doorway of one of the houses and the next thing she knew you came out of nowhere. Visibility was terrible, her wipers were going like the clappers and she didn’t realize it was you until afterwards. And you know what else she said?’
My stomach drops. I remember now. Not seeing that car until it was almost too late, the water spraying up in a wide grey arc from under its tyres. It happened so quickly and the weather was so awful that I didn’t see the driver, didn’t even notice what the car looked like.
‘Are you going to tell me?’
‘She said that it was lucky you weren’t pushing the pram because she might easily have hit it.’
‘I know what you’re thinking.’
‘Do you?’
‘I can explain everything, if you would just give me a chance.’
‘What? That you lied to me and the authorities? That you concocted that frankly unbelievable story to cover up the fact that you left Josh on his own and then you dragged your friend into it? I knew something was off. I should have trusted my instincts.’
I tense my face and neck trying to delay the onset of tears. The effort distorts my voice so that it sounds jerky and choked. ‘What would you have done if you had?’
‘I don’t know. But I would have talked to you about it.’
I nod sadly, acknowledging my mistake. I should never have attempted to hide this from him. It has made everything so much worse.
‘I’m sorry,’ I say. ‘But, honestly, Tom, it wasn’t going to be for more than a few minutes and I couldn’t have predicted we’d have a breakin.’
‘No, and nor could you have predicted if there was a fire, or if Josh somehow managed to climb out of his cot and fall, or if someone had rung the doorbell and heard him crying up there on his own. There are a thousand things you couldn’t have predicted, so why the hell did you take the risk?’
‘I don’t know. It was stupid.’
He slams the flat of his hand against the wall and I jump out of my skin.
‘Stupid is how children get hurt!’ he shouts. ‘Stupid is how kids get abducted, have accidents, get killed!’
‘Tom, keep your voice down.’
He breathes hard and drops his head, tearing his fingers through his hair. When he looks up his expression is cold and determined. ‘I want you to go.’
‘What do you mean, go?’ I say, frantic by now. ‘I can’t just go.’
‘Yes you can. Pack a bag and get out of my sight. You can stay a couple of nights with Maggie. We’ll talk when we’ve both had a chance to calm down.’
‘But I don’t want to go to Mum’s. And the children can’t miss school.’
‘Are you mad? You’re not taking them with you. I can’t trust you to look after them properly. They stay here, with me.’
I shake my head. ‘No. No, Tom, you can’t do this. They need me.’
‘Like Josh needed you when that man was in the house? Like Polly needed you to listen to her reading at school and you forgot? Yeah, right.’
‘Who’s going to look after them while you’re working? You won’t … you won’t ask Amber, will you?’
‘No, I won’t ask Amber. I’ve already rung my sister. She’ll be here in time to do the afternoon pick-up.’
My eyes widen. ‘You told Hannah?’
‘I had to, Vicky.’
I finally lose it. The thought of my sister-in-law coming to take over; her smug face, the way she likes to contrast her life as a stay-at-home mum to mine, her sensible clothes and studied lack of personal vanity, are enough to tip the balance. Of course Hannah isn’t that bad – she can be very sweet – but honestly the best thing about her is that she lives in Northumberland.
‘You have no right to do that without consulting me. They are my children too. I don’t want her in my house.’ I pick up the phone and shove it at him. ‘Call her now and tell her not to come.’ I’m breathing hard, glaring at him. ‘You can do what you like, but I am not leaving.’
He takes the phone and puts it carefully down on the side. He speaks slowly and patiently. ‘I am not going to do that. I am asking you to give me a break for a couple of days, not leave this house for ever. Hannah won’t be here for long, so you don’t have to worry about her taking over. You need to do some thinking as well.’
‘This is not fair, Tom. You have to give me another chance. Let me stay tonight. We can talk about it in the morning when we’re both less tired.’
‘Please, Vicky. Be reasonable.’
Reasonable? ‘I am not going anywhere.’
He grips my shoulders. ‘Yes you are, because if you don’t I will apply to the courts for custody and, after what you’ve done, I reckon I have a fair chance of succeeding. If you want to keep them, you’ll do as I tell you.’
He is so calm and cold. I stare at him, searching for the man I thought I knew. I can’t find him and I turn away, resigned, and pick up my keys and phone. I wander round the house collecting the few bits I need: a holdall with a change of clothes, my toothpaste, my phone charger, my book. I take a squishy penguin that I don’t think Polly will miss, Josh’s panda and Emily’s cardigan.
‘You can put your dinner in the oven,’ I tell him. ‘It’s all ready to go. You don’t need to do anything.’
‘Why don’t you take it?’
I glare at him. ‘Take it where precisely?’
‘I don’t know. Your mum’s? I don’t want it.’
‘Fine.’ I pick up the baking dish and take it to the bin, flip the lid and dump its contents, along with the rest of the food. Then I march out of the house.
I have never in my life felt pain like this. I feel it deep in my chest, tearing at me. I have my bag; my bare necessities; my phone; the essential box of hankies. I have almost a full tank of petrol, but that’s all I have.
37
I AM STARVING. There are two restaurants on Tennyson Street but they’re popular with locals and not the sort of place you can eat alone without looking odd. I speed up as the lights change and head for the sanctuary of McDonald’s.