‘Excuse the mess, I’m having a chuck-out,’ Amber says.
There’s a box and two bin bags on the floor in front of the sofa and a pile of what looks like jumble beside them. I hover in the middle of the room, holding Josh. The girls have already deserted us and run up to Sophie’s bedroom. It’s sad that their friendship is probably as doomed as mine and Amber’s.
‘Sit down, you’re making me nervous.’ She smiles and gives an odd little laugh. ‘For God’s sake, relax, Vicky. I’ll make some tea.’
She leaves us and Josh twists in my arms. I set him down and he immediately makes a beeline for the box, pulling himself up on it. It tips over, spilling its contents on to the floor. I pick up a one-eyed teddy bear and hold it out, but he’s on a voyage of discovery and it doesn’t merit more than a passing glance so I hug the bear to my chest. There was a time when Sophie was never without it and I’m surprised Amber is getting rid of it. New house new start, I presume. I set the box back on its base and start to pile the things back in. Josh thinks it’s a great game and pulls the box back on to its side and this time I leave him to it.
Something catches my eye. I pick it up and hold it in the palm of my hand, stroking it with my thumb. I used to have one of these. It sat on the shelf above my bed. Sometimes, when the sun shone, I would take it down and hold it up to the light, rotate it and make the tiny mosquito dance.
The world is full of pieces of amber. Still I stroke the sharp edges and close my eyes, thinking that my sense of touch might be more reliable. And it kind of is; its fractured shape recalls my childhood and the flat. And mine has been missing for a very long time.
I hear the chink of a spoon stirring a teabag and swiftly pocket it. There is something very wrong here.
‘You’ll have to ask your bank for a loan,’ Amber says, handing me a mug.
I set it down on the table. ‘I’ll think about it.’
‘There’s no time to think. Don’t you understand? If I don’t put down the deposit within the next few days, I’ll lose that house, and I’m not going to let that happen.’
I stare at her face, frowning. Where have our lives intersected before? There’s nothing about her that I recognize. I have no sense that we’ve ever meant anything to each other beyond our current friendship. I put my hand in my pocket and feel the warmth of the amber. I very nearly produce it. I even imagine holding it out on the palm of my hand and studying her reaction. But I don’t. Experience has taught me that it’s best to sleep on decisions.
‘I don’t want to have to ruin your life, Vicky. I really don’t. You must believe me. You’re my friend and I love you. But I need that money and you owe it to me.’
‘I’ve got to go.’
I scoop Josh up and shout for Emily and Polly, who don’t respond. Amber looks at me steadily. I leave the room hastily and yell up the stairs for my daughters. This time they come, their little faces wary, frightened by my tone.
June 1992
EMILY PARRISH IS huddled in the front passenger seat, her arms crossed, her head tucked against the seat belt. Sitting behind Maggie, a sobbing Katya wiped her nose on the damp cardigan Maggie had lent her earlier. She was still wearing Emily’s socks.
‘Katya, stop that, for heaven’s sake,’ Maggie said.
Katya could feel her losing patience and quietened down, but her juddering breaths were still audible. She stared out of the window. The storm had finally blown itself out, leaving the roads and pavements wet and shiny. People were outside again, umbrellas down. As they came closer to Hillside Way her stomach started to ache. Emily took a painful sip from her water bottle and turned in her seat. For the first time Katya noticed how big and brown and long-lashed her eyes were. Maggie’s eyes.
‘Why don’t you want to go home?’
‘Emily,’ Maggie said. ‘Turn round.’
Emily did as she was told and slumped back again. ‘Are we nearly there yet?’
‘Almost.’
They turned the corner, drove up the hill and parked outside the bungalow.
‘I like the lions,’ Emily croaked.
‘Wait here.’
Maggie got out and walked up the garden path. Watching her waiting outside the red door Katya started weeping in earnest again, only quietly this time, the tears rolling down her cheeks and dropping on to her chest.
‘Why are they making you stay if you don’t like it?’ Emily asked. She shifted so that she could see Katya properly. ‘Can’t you go somewhere else?’
Katya shook her head. She had imagined this moment, how she would be eloquent, how she would convince Emily to come to her rescue, to insist they take Katya in like a stray kitten. Now she knew that it was nothing but a silly dream. As the front door opened and Luke looked beyond Maggie, she only managed two words and they seemed over-the-top, even in the state she was in, filling the space of the car like a drumbeat.
‘Help me.’
Emily’s big eyes widened. ‘What with?’
But Katya didn’t know and Luke was coming towards her, smiling, charming, concerned. She shrank back against the leather seats as he opened the door and poked his head in.
‘Hello, Katya.’
She scrambled away from him. ‘I’m not coming. I’m not. I want to stay with Emily.’
Emily turned away abruptly, but not from Luke or her mother; from Katya, who had crossed a line, embarrassed herself by asking for something that no one here could give her. Maggie came round to the other door so that Katya was trapped in a pincer movement. She clung to the handle, falling into the road when Maggie yanked it open.
‘What a fuss over nothing,’ she said. ‘Be sensible, Katya. This isn’t helping.’
She picked her up and held on to her, her fingers like claws.
‘Katya,’ Luke said gently. He crouched so that he could look directly into her eyes. ‘Sally’s sister is very sick so I don’t want to have to call her about this. It would upset her desperately. Come inside. You can watch what you like on telly.’
‘There, Katya,’ Maggie said. She had stepped back, ceding her authority to Luke, her arms folded across her ribcage.
‘I’ll never forgive you,’ Katya shouted. ‘You’re not being fair!’
Maggie’s face fell. She looked puzzled and guilty as she hurried round to the driver’s side, pausing as if she wanted to say something, to excuse herself, before getting into the car. But the moment passed and nothing was said.
Luke took Katya’s hand and, as he led her towards that house with the windows that looked like sleepy eyes, she turned and stared back at Emily. The other girl pretended not to have seen. Luke’s hand was like a cage round Katya’s, his fingers crushing hers. They exchanged a look, he and Maggie. Then Maggie drove away.
34
Wednesday, 21 April 2010