Tom disentangles Josh’s fingers and takes him away, his furious yells disrupting the serenity of the scene. I don’t go with him. Instead I watch him stride back to the pool, back to Amber and her lovely brown legs and blonde hair. He speaks to her then laughs and walks towards the house. She sinks into the lounger and crosses one ankle over the other.
With Josh inside now, probably being appeased with a bread stick, the garden goes strangely quiet. Even the birds aren’t singing. From across the garden I catch Amber staring at me. She waves me over, smiling. To be fair to my husband, he’s probably right about why she reacted so badly to the arrival of my mother. In her position, I would have felt exactly the same. And I should feel sorry for her, not resent her, if I’m right and she does have a crush on Tom. Glass houses and all that. I decide I owe it to her to be more understanding so I wander over and sit down beside her.
‘Budge up.’
She shuffles over. Neither of us say anything at first but then, unexpectedly, she leans against me and for a moment we are perfectly still, watching insects alight on the water.
‘How are you doing, birthday girl?’
‘I’m fine. I’m glad you stayed.’
26
FROM TIME TO time Tom glances at me, wondering, but I don’t catch his eye. Mum over-compensates for my dullness, wittering away about her actors and their foibles. She’s funny and her anecdotes help the meal pass. I’d planned an early night, but now I can’t leave, not until Amber has gone to bed. Eventually, Mum goes up, leaving the three of us to drink our coffee in the living room. We sit on the huge sofa, Amber with her legs tucked up underneath her, me leaning back and constantly yawning, Tom on the other side of her, his long, hairy legs out in front of him, his hands clasped behind his head.
The grander of the two sitting rooms is vast, with beams that stretch the length of it and dark wooden chandeliers. The rugs spread across the polished floorboards are deep and soft. Terracotta lamps with pale-cream shades soften everything and induce an atmosphere of relaxed luxury. I desperately want to stay awake but conversation is desultory, sleepy and intermittent and at some point I fall into a light doze. Their voices filter through as though muffled under a thick blanket; a comforting murmur that reminds me of childhood, of falling asleep to the sound of my mother reading me a story.
I don’t know how many minutes go by. It could be five. It could be half an hour, but I surface when Amber laughs. I keep my eyes closed.
‘You hated me when we first met,’ she whispers. ‘Admit it.’
‘I didn’t,’ Tom protests.
‘Don’t deny it. It was totally obvious. I don’t mind. I would kind of like to know why though.’
I feel the cushions shift as he sits up and picture him leaning forward, bringing his feet in, his arms going round his knees.
‘Since I don’t remember feeling that way, I can hardly be expected to explain it.’
I listen to the silence until I think I can distinguish Tom’s breath from hers. The hairs on the back of my neck rise.
‘Did you feel threatened by my relationship with Vicky?’
‘What a load of crap. Typical female, over-thinking things.’
‘You’re evading the question.’
He laughs softly. ‘Remind me what it was again.’
Their cotton-wool voices float around me. I stop breathing when I sense a change in tone.
‘What did I do wrong?’ Amber asks. ‘What did I say or do that set you against me?’
‘You didn’t do anything. It was one of those things. We were so young and had made this huge decision, had had to sacrifice dreams – both of us I mean, not just me – and I suppose I was touchy. I wanted everyone to think I was cool with it, able to cope. I was twenty-two.’
‘Do you and Vicky ever talk about it?’
‘Not really. There’s no point. We made a commitment and we’ve worked at it.’
‘You make it sound like a chore.’
‘Do I? It isn’t. And I don’t regret it or feel any need to rake it up. It is what it is.’ He hesitates. ‘And I love her.’
‘I know you do.’
There’s a telling silence. How can he allow himself to be manipulated like this?
‘Well,’ Amber murmurs. ‘Maybe that explains why …’
‘Why what?’
‘What I said to you a few weeks ago, that I think she might be on the verge of a breakdown. Maybe I’m wrong.’
‘I hope you are.’
What the hell? I can feel him thinking this over, wondering if she’s right, if he has actually noticed odd things about me, if I’ve been withdrawn. I have been; not for any reason he would think of, but because for a few short months I was infatuated with someone else. It could have felt like detachment. I know that now. I want them to stop but at the same time I’m thirsty for more. I want to know what they both think of me. The curse of the eavesdropper.
‘If I’m right,’ Amber says, ‘she needs to be encouraged to seek help. There’s the children’s well-being to consider. I care about you two and she’s vulnerable at the moment. I think having Josh came as a big shock. I’ve noticed a tendency for her to fixate on him as the source of any problems. I wouldn’t want … no, I’m sorry. Don’t listen to me.’
‘Wouldn’t want what?’
‘Nothing.’
He sighs. ‘Maybe I haven’t been as aware as I should have been, but work … well, you know what it’s like. You get so caught up in life you let small inconveniences slide. Thank you, Amber. I don’t know what we would do without you.’
I can’t bear any more of this. I grunt, pretend to be waking up, open my eyes sleepily and rub at an imaginary crick in my neck. They both sit back, turn to me and smile.
‘What time is it?’
Tom glances at his watch. ‘Half eleven. Past your bedtime.’
He stands and holds out his hands and pulls us both up. I brush against Amber’s bare arm by mistake and her skin is warm and silky soft. Her hair-grip has gone and her hair falls behind her shoulders, a shaggy honey-toned mass that suits the new brown of her skin. The dim light softens her angles.
I snuggle into bed, fitting my knees in behind Tom’s. He turns his head and kisses me.
‘Are you OK?’
‘Mm,’ I murmur. ‘Tired.’
‘But not completely wiped out?’ he says hopefully.
‘Not quite.’ I put my hand on his hip and let it rest there a moment and then I kiss his shoulder and run my fingers down his thigh. He rolls over and our lips meet, our bodies responding quickly to familiar cues.
I do something I haven’t done in years. I give him a love bite, deliberately, on the side of his neck, out of sight, where he won’t notice it when he looks in the mirror.
Afterwards he falls straight into a heavy sleep but the ten-minute doze I had on the sofa has ruined my chances of dropping off and I lie awake long into the night reviewing what I heard, wondering if they were right to worry about me. Something must be wrong with me or I would never have left Josh like I did and I would never have considered having an affair.
At breakfast Vicky is so tired and clumsy she knocks over a glass of fresh orange juice and it spreads across the table and drips on to the floor. Amber leaps up to grab the kitchen towel while they move the plates and cups.