There were times, usually in the middle of the night, when I was alone, waiting for Yoss to come back, that I thought about going home. I thought about calling Amanda and asking her to go school shopping.
I pictured walking into Lupton High School on the first day, pretending the summer hadn’t happened, and I was still the same Imogen Conner I had always been.
What would that feel like? To wash away these past few months like a bad dream?
Would I feel relieved?
Then I’d feel guilty for thinking about leaving Yoss. For imagining a world without him in it.
Because those thoughts were born out of hunger and exhaustion. They were the discombobulated fantasies of a girl sick and tired of sleeping under dirty blankets on a hard floor, terrified for herself. And for the boy she loved.
But I caught myself watching the children wistfully just the same, wishing I were one of them.
I felt Yoss’s cool lips on my shoulder and I startled, tearing my eyes away from a girl a little younger than me, carrying a bag of brand new clothes, sipping on a milkshake while laughing with her mother.
“So where can we get some grub?” I laughed uncomfortably, hating that Yoss saw my moment of longing. I felt the tension between us. The things we didn’t say that we were both feeling.
Bug suddenly grabbed my other hand and pulled me towards a small grocery store. “Come on, Imi, let me get you a Snickers bar.”
“Are you trying to sweet talk my girl with promises of chocolate, Bug? Because we might have to throw down if you try anything,” Yoss teased and I was glad the earlier strain was gone.
Bug shrugged and put his arm around me. “We both know who’s the better looking guy. It’s only natural if Imi wants all of this.” Bug thrust his hips a few times and I rolled my eyes, giving him a shove in the gut.
“In your dreams,” I retorted not unkindly. Bug squeezed me tighter into his body and I could feel his bones protruding underneath his clothes. The wiry boy with the blond hair and the broken nose that had healed crookedly had changed a lot in the short time I had known him. Like all of us, he had lost weight, but it was more than that.
Bug had always been wacky with a side of crazy. He was the guy that was too loud, but always a lot of fun to have around. But I had noticed that lately he laughed less. He joked hardly ever. He spent more and more time elsewhere and when we did see him, his eyes were glazed and he spoke little. This was the first time in weeks I had seen him where he wasn’t either passed out or avoiding us.
Yoss said he had drug problems. Di had hinted that he, like Yoss, worked for Manny making money for his habit by selling himself. That was enough to destroy most people and it seemed to weigh heavily on his scrawny shoulders.
“You wound me, Imi,” Bug sighed, hugging me even tighter. We walked into the grocery store and I noted how Karla and Shane stayed up towards the front of the store. Close to the clerk at the register who was a youngish guy with greasy hair and sad excuse for a goatee. He watched the five of us closely as we came in.
Shane flipped through a magazine and Karla leaned against the counter, flashing the guy some boob. She tossed her hair and grinned. Karla was, if nothing else, a master at flirting. The poor socially challenged clerk didn’t know what hit him.
I didn’t really understand what was going on until I noticed Di and Yoss slip several candy bars into their pockets.
“What are you doing?” I hissed, grabbing Yoss’s arm.
He handed me a bag of Hershey’s Kisses and I stood there dumbfounded, not sure what he wanted me to do with them.
“Put them in your pocket, Imi. Quickly,” he said under his breath. I didn’t move. I knew that shoplifting was an unfortunate necessity for kids on the streets, but I had yet to do it myself.
Karla had been right; I really was na?ve.
I glanced up at the clerk, who appeared engrossed with Karla’s…um…charms. “I don’t like this, Yoss,” I whispered, trying to play cool, but failing miserably.
Di had gone down another aisle and Yoss was still stuffing food into his oversized pockets. He stopped and looked down into my worried face. “It’s okay, Imi. We do it all the time.”
“But what if we get caught?” I asked, still holding the bag of Hershey’s limply in my hand.
Yoss took the chocolates from me and put them back on the shelf. He cupped my face in his hands and leaned down so that we were nose to nose. “You don’t have to do this if it makes you uncomfortable. I will never make you do anything, Imi. Not ever. Why don’t you go outside and wait for us? We’ll be right out.”
I hesitated, not wanting to leave him, feeling an awful churning in my stomach.
Yoss kissed me. “It’s okay, I’ll be right there. Promise.”
“Promise?” I asked. It had become our thing. Promising. Keeping it. Always.
“Promise.”
I hurried towards the door, glancing back at Karla and the clerk. The stupid guy had no idea his shop was being ransacked. I felt awful about it, but I also knew that this was the reality of our situation. If you wanted to eat, you had to be willing to do questionable things.