I drove down to the Seventh Street Bridge at sunset.
The sky was bleeding and the air was starting to take on the warmth of approaching summer.
The fires had been lit and people milled about the crumbling concrete and colorful graffiti.
I stood there watching it all. Remembering a time long ago when it had seemed like the scariest place in the world.
And then it wasn’t.
Because of green eyes and a smile that changed my entire world.
“You okay?”
I walked along the river. It looked the same. But different. Harsher somehow.
“What kind of name is Yoss?”
He laughed and it was real and true and I felt it absolutely everywhere.
Laughter rang in my ears. A lifetime of memories created in a temporary moment.
“Imogen, I’d give you the world if I could.” He brushed the hair back from my face. “But I don’t have the world to give you.”
I had left my heart here all those years ago. I was here to take it back. It was the only thing I could do.
I had to learn to stay whole.
“Promise?”
Promise.”
An excited scream reached my ears. I glanced towards the noise and saw a young man lifting a girl that looked about sixteen into his arms. Their smiles told me everything. They were in old clothes. The girl’s hair was straggly and perhaps too long. But when he leaned down and kissed her, I knew, in my heart, that none of that mattered.
“Is that our plan? To live our story? Go to the beach and walk on the sand?” I asked him, barely able to contain the gleeful anticipation that bubbled up inside me.
“That’s our plan,” Yoss agreed.
I stayed there for some time. Watching the fires blazing in the trashcans. Listening to the constant drone of traffic overhead. Feeling the crunch of gravel beneath my feet as I walked along the familiar banks of the lazy river.
“I lost you. And I felt as if I deserved that. That you were always a dream. One that I was lucky enough to hold onto for a little while.” His gaze moved to the window. “Then you became a memory. The kind that warms during dark nights and lonely days. You were my happy life. Even when you were living your own.”
In my mind, I watched the shadows of a girl with long brown hair and a boy with bright, green eyes. They laughed with a tough looking girl with a shaved head. A blond boy with a crooked nose and a pocketful of lighters.
We had lost so much.
How much more could we lose?
With my arms wrapped around my body I headed back to my car.
Towards the end.
“It’s okay, Imi.” My mother stroked my hair back from my face. I hadn’t expected her to come.
She still had the power to surprise me.
She looked in at Yoss, struggling, barely holding on, a thoughtful look on her face. “I remember him now. It had been bothering me. How I knew him. Then it hit me this morning on my way here.”
I couldn’t take my eyes off him.
We were still waiting.
Time was always ticking.
Tick. Tick. Tick.
“He came by to see you. After you had moved back home. You had gone inside and this handsome young man approached me.” Mom looked at me, her eyes full. “I knew then that he loved you. I didn’t know who he was, but I could tell. It’s impossible to hide that kind of love. You wear it like a sign for everyone to see. I saw it on him then and I see it on you now.”
The tears came too easily now. I didn’t try to stop them.
My mom took my hand and held it while I stood strong. For Yoss.
Refusing to fall apart.
And we waited.
Tick. Tick. Tick.
Once upon a time there was a girl who loved a boy.
He found her in blood and tears.
She stayed with him through darkness and fire.
He promised forever.
She believed him.
But he never stayed.
She spent the next fifteen years trying to live when she was only half alive. With half a heart. Always waiting for him to come back to her.
And he did.
When she least expected him.
Her heart was whole once again.
She remembered to smile. To laugh.
To love.
A happy story doesn’t always have a happy ending.
She had learned to be grateful for the temporary moments.
Because in the end, that’s all either of them had.
Fifteen Years Ago onward
Yoss
She looked miserable. Her hair was wet and hung down her back. She appeared incredibly young. And small.
And sad.
That was because of me.
I had never hated myself more.
The loudest parts of me screamed to go to her. I wanted to more than anything.
She was my survival.
My hope.
But I couldn’t be hers.
I knew from the moment I had met her that she deserved more than anything I could ever offer. She didn’t belong in the gritty life where I had found my home.
But I let myself be selfish with her.
I had allowed the delusions of a future together to color everything.
Until I was reminded, once again, of all I’d ever be.
I had promised her we’d leave. That I would take her away. She was looking to escape. I wanted nothing more than to be with her.