“Can’t you call if one shows up? Why do I have to wait around here for it?” Yoss wasn’t letting Dr. Howell sway him in the slightest. The beleaguered doctor looked to me for assistance.
I took Yoss’s hand, not caring that we weren’t alone. Dr. Howell knew about us now, hiding was over. “Dr. Howell is only after your best interests. You should listen to him. What will happen if you cut yourself? You could bleed out? Or what if you lose consciousness again?” I argued.
Yoss kissed the back of my hand. “Then you’ll call nine-one-one again and I’ll come here. It’s not like we’re a million miles away from the hospital,” he reasoned.
“I’d feel much better if you’d stay here. It’s better for you should something happen to be on site. Minutes could cost you your life, Yoss,” Dr. Howell reminded him.
Yoss was silent, seeming to think about what Dr. Howell had just said. He looked up at me, his eyes pleading. “Please, Imi. I just want to go home with you.”
I glanced at Dr. Howell who didn’t look very pleased, but I also know the decision was ultimately Yoss’s. I’d watch him. I’d make sure he was okay. I could do that for him.
For however long he had.
“Then let’s go home.”
“If I’m going to die, then I want to die like this. With you,” Yoss said with a smile.
“Don’t say stuff like that!” I retorted angrily. “Don’t even mention dying! That’s not how this is going to end. Not after everything we’ve been through!”
I was getting hysterical. I pressed a fist to my heart, having trouble breathing. Tears burned my eyes and I couldn’t see clearly.
“I was trying to lighten the mood. I’m sorry,” he said, aghast. I felt his hands on my shoulders, leading me to the couch. He wrapped his arm around me and I felt us both trembling.
“Your jokes suck,” I muttered, wiping my face.
“It’s a good thing I never considered stand-up comedian as a career choice,” he laughed, though it was strained.
“You look tired. Maybe you should rest,” I suggested, running my fingers along the curve of his jaw.
“No. I want to be here. Right now. With you. I can rest later,” Yoss replied, brooking no argument. “Just let me hold you for a while. That’s the only thing I need.”
We sank into the couch, holding onto each other as if we were scared there wouldn’t be another moment like this. And maybe there wouldn’t be. Tomorrow wasn’t guaranteed. Not for two people like us.
I had forgotten what it was like to live for the present. To embrace the now.
To find beauty in a heartbeat. A sunset.
In roller-skating and old movies.
I had forgotten what it felt like to be a girl who loved a boy above everything else.
My heart cracked open and bled out on the floor.
It hurt.
I remembered that part.
The pain.
“I have never regretted leaving you that day under the bridge. Not for one second,” he said quietly, staring out the window. His breathing was labored but he held me tightly.
The ache overwhelmed me. Choking me. Swallowing me whole.
I’d die from the agony.
“What? How can you say that?” I rasped. He was killing me. Oh so slowly. With his words that shredded me apart.
“Because the boy I was then could never have gotten you here.” He looked around the room. “I was a mess. Hell, I’m still a fucking mess. I’m broken and used and thrown away. I’m dirty. From the inside out. I always knew I’d drag you down with me. I’m terrified I still will.” He clung to me. Desperate and terrified.
“I knew when you saw me that you and I could never be together. Not then. Not like that.” Yoss clung to me. His words coming out as a sob. Mournful and devastated.
“I shouldn’t have come looking for you. I should have known Manny did that on purpose. Sending me to find you.”
I had spent a lot of time thinking about it over the years. That moment that changed everything. Seeing Yoss on his knees. Being forced to face the person he was.
Manny had known what he was doing.
He set out to ruin Yoss and me. He had no intentions of letting Yoss go. I had been too young and na?ve to know that then.
Hindsight was a bitch.
“Manny told you where I was?” Yoss asked in surprise. He never knew.
“He told me you had come to see him. That he gave you one more job. Manny even told me where you were. He wanted me to see—” I couldn’t finish. Not even after all this time. The memory burned my mind. Branding it with things I wish I could forget.
“Yet you still waited for me,” Yoss whispered.
I pulled away from him, staring up into his face. “How do you know I waited for you?”
Yoss sighed. A deep exhalation that told me everything.
“You saw me there. In the rain. Waiting for hours.” My throat tightened.
“I’m sorry,” he murmured.
“Why did you do it? Why did you go to Manny?” I was so, so calm. I expected the anger. I expected the betrayal. But deep down I had expected his words. I had known in some small way the reasons behind his decision to leave.