So gross and weird…
“Stay out of trouble, Lindsey,” Jim whispered. “I’ll see you later.”
Jim looked back at me and winked before he shut the door.
Chills went through my body.
I couldn’t take it anymore.
I climbed off my bed and grabbed for the box of notes under the bed. I kept everything King ever sent to me.
I needed him.
It didn’t matter if anyone thought I didn’t know about love or that I was too young.
I needed King… then… and forever.
4
(Lindsey) *NOW*
I TOOK the first drag of the first cigarette of the afternoon. I was on the roof of the nursing facility and the cigarette tasted better than chocolate pie. Truthfully, it tasted like shit, but the effect it had on my body was good enough to get me through the rest of the day.
My dream job of growing up and helping people became me working in a place that assisted those who were all but ready to let go. In the beginning there was a sense of reward and pride in the work, but after watching so many suffer, it was more or less a vicious form of torture that left me questioning way too much about life and faith.
The door swung open behind me and out came one of my co-workers, Betty.
“I thought you quit,” she said.
“I did. A long time ago.”
“Oh…”
“It’s just my afternoon break thing, that’s all.”
“You know, they can kill you,” Betty said. She twisted off the cap to a bottle of soda and took a drink.
“So does that,” I said.
“But those are worse.”
“You know,” I said, feeling a little more than pissed that I was getting bothered on my break. “Mrs. Donels just told me this beautiful story of her Henry picking her up for their date last night. A date that happened sixty fucking years ago. And when she got done telling me about the date, she started to cry, wondering where Henry was. That’s a woman who never touched a cigarette. A drop of soda. A drop of booze. Yet here she is…”
“Noted,” Betty said.
Betty slowly walked away to a different part of the roof.
The job may have been hell but the view was beautiful. It overlooked the entire city and right out to the town and mountains. Sometimes I stood there and wondered what was really out there. And every time I heard the rumble of a motorcycle engine I felt my heart race a little, taking me back to a much different time in my life.
I took two more drags of the cigarette and let the guilt sit in on me.
Fucking Betty.
I dropped the smoke and stepped on it.
I grabbed the door and tore it open.
My butt vibrated and I grabbed for my phone.
It was Nelson texting me.
I sighed.
I always sighed when Nelson texted me.
It was hard to explain.
Growing up with Aunt Jane as my mother figure set me up for a life of always seeking comfort. And generally, it was always the wrong places. She bounced from guy to guy, knowing that in her heart it was her first high school sweetheart that had always captured her heart. But that guy was married with two kids in Florida and looked nothing like the tough mechanic she remembered him as. So her second go around was with a guy she had hooked up with in college. That guy was Jim. He lasted for a while… right up until shit really hit the fan between me, him, and King.
It still made me shudder when I thought about what had happened.
Aunt Jane was still enjoying the free and single life, settling on a new guy every few months, only to lose him a few months later.
Not that I was much better.
I looked at the ring on my left ring finger and cringed.
Leave it to me to get a little too tipsy on wine and accept a ring from a guy that I wasn’t exactly sure how I felt about. It was just like all those years ago. Never being actually certain of what I wanted or how I felt.
Except for one man.
But that one man was long gone though.
Sent to prison for murder. Waiting to be put to death. Yet I was still trying to grab at anything that resembled a string.
I felt pathetic.
I checked the text from Nelson.
Dinner tonight? Your place. I’ll cook.
My thumbs fumbled over the phone screen, hitting random keys. I deleted any attempt at a text and put my phone away. I twisted the ring on my finger so the small diamond pointed down. I didn’t really love Nelson, at least not in the way he thought he loved me. We were both looking for comfort and found it in each other. So what did that mean? We should get married? Have kids? Have a long, happy fucking fake life?
I turned the corner and walked right into the Administrator. She dropped a brown folder and papers scattered across the floor like it had just snowed.
“Shit,” I said. “Sherry. I’m so sorry.”
“Lindsey,” Sherry said. “You’re crying.”
“I’m… what…” I touched my eyes and realized I had tears. Shit. I wiped them away. “Oh. Sorry.”
I crouched to reach for some papers and Sherry grabbed my wrists. “Hey. Look at me. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“Don’t lie to me.”