I could handle awkward. I couldn’t deal with heartbroken again.
“You’re right. I have a shit ton to apologize for. I left you. I chose the Renegades because if I didn’t, they would have lost the sponsors they needed to put on the Renegade Open that day. We were a package deal, and the sponsors threatened to pull out unless I came back. That would have left Pax, Penna, and Nick covering over two million dollars in prize money, plus the vendors that hadn’t been paid yet—all because I walked away. I made a split-second decision when Penna called because, though we’d already fucked over Pax’s heart, I couldn’t do the same to his career—my career, my family. So I tried to do what I thought was the right thing.”
“Right for everyone but me.” His explanation served up a fresh slice of pain. They’d all been so happy up there on that television screen while my world had slipped out from under me.
Never again. It didn’t matter how sincere he sounded, or how much regret shone from those gorgeous eyes of his, my heart couldn’t afford to go through that again. I wouldn’t survive it intact.
“Yes. I was a stupid fucking kid. I didn’t understand that what we had was something that doesn’t come along twice. I didn’t know enough about life—about love—to comprehend what I was doing. I. Was. Stupid. And I’m so sorry, Rach. I don’t expect you to forgive me—”
“That’s seriously the best you have?”
“What?” He blinked.
My chest burned with a tight pressure that made it nearly impossible to breathe. I sucked in a breath slowly while I debated the merits of walking away. No. This was something that had to be said. “You destroyed me, and the best you have is that you’re sorry, you were a stupid kid?”
He pressed his lips in a firm line. “What do you want me to say?”
“I don’t know. I was hoping for alien abduction. Body snatchers, the donation of a kidney to a dying girl. Something, anything that would excuse what you did—that would give me a reason to stand here and listen to your bullshit.” How could that be all there was? How pathetic was I for even wanting an excuse that could justify his actions in my eyes? I was already slipping.
“How many times can I say I’m sorry? I’ll say it a thousand times.”
“Right. Okay. Let me start with the hours I spent in the ER, waiting for you to answer my text. Then we’ll move on to tucking my tail between my legs and going back to my parents, who, if you’ll remember, pretty much disowned me when I turned down Dartmouth to go live with you in the apartment that…oh, wait, that’s right—the apartment I had to liquidate my savings for so I could pay the deposit when you didn’t show up to sign the lease. I should have known then, but I was so naive. So stupid.”
“God, Rachel.” His shoulders fell.
It wasn’t enough. Maybe it was wrong, but for just that moment, I wanted to peel myself open and show him the scars he’d left on my heart. I needed him to know.
“Then there was the joy of listening to my father beg his friend in the admissions office to give me my spot back after I’d declared that true love was more worthwhile than an Ivy League education. And you know who was apologizing then? Me. Apologizing for you. You didn’t just break my heart—you annihilated it. You pulverized me and then went on your merry way like nothing had even happened.”
My heart ached with the emotions I’d done my best to lock away since he walked out, but they were now screaming to be acknowledged and set free. But I couldn’t let them out. It was like Pandora’s box in there, and the minute I let any of them slip, the slivers of me that wanted to believe him—the ones yelling the loudest that this was the man I’d loved—would run amok and then I’d be right back where I was two years ago. Destroyed, angry, and loving the man I desperately needed to hate.
I saw a group of girls from our class come toward us but didn’t pause. If I was going to allow myself this one moment to let it go, I wasn’t holding back.
“You went back to the Renegades and left me to pick up the pieces you shattered. Maybe I was the whore for cheating on Wilder, for falling in love with you. Maybe I am your curse. But I didn’t deserve to bear the entire weight of what we’d both done.” My throat tightened, and I blinked quickly, fighting back the prickling sensation in my eyes. I would not cry over him. Never again.
“You’re right.” His fingers tugged at his hair momentarily in obvious frustration. “But I wasn’t undamaged. There wasn’t a day that I didn’t think about you, wonder where you were.”
“Hey, Nova,” one of the girls said, eye fucking Landon as she waltzed by, swaying her ass.
“Yeah.” I laughed. “Good thing you had tons of girls to soothe that hurt, Nova.”
He put up his hands in surrender. “Okay. Valid point made. I’m a dick, I did dick things, and then I overused said dick in what has been a failed attempt to get over you. Got it. But seeing you again—whether or not it was Wilder’s doing—I guess I knew we couldn’t start over, but I was hoping that we could at least be friends. You were my best friend, Rachel.”
I swallowed. “No. Wilder was. You chose him, and it took me a really long time to accept that as my reality. I waited the first few weeks for you to come back, for an explanation, for you to tell me that those promises we’d made to each other really meant something to you, because our plans, our future, our relationship meant everything to me, and I was so fucking stupid to love you like I did because you moved on like I was nothing to you.” My voice broke, and I took a steadying breath, fumbling over my stupid feelings to get a grip. “Yes, we’re stuck together for the next six months, but being friends? That’s too much. That Rachel—the silly eighteen-year-old you said was your infinity—you killed her. My heart stopped the moment I saw you on that TV screen, and that naive little girl in my soul didn’t die…she just ceased to be. So if I’m cold, callous, or unforgiving, then I’m simply what you made me.” I shook my head. “No, I’m what I made myself to make sure that I was never fooled again.”
“I’m not trying to fool you,” he said quietly, his eyes soft and warm—and everything I’d missed about him came rushing back in.
I saw him standing in the rain three years ago, waiting for me the afternoon we’d finally given in to our feelings. I saw the boy he’d been—so passionate, so protective—lying just under the surface of the man before me.
For a second I saw my Landon under Nova…and that was dangerous. My defenses started to shake, a vulnerability I hadn’t felt in years, and I scrambled for some kind of ladder to get me out of the pit of emotion he’d dragged me into.
“This is the only time you’ll bribe me like this,” I said, my tone stronger than I felt. “Thanks to Leah, Wilder has already told me that I can be in on whatever you guys are doing, and I intend to take him up on it. I’ll never give up anything for you ever again. So let’s just be honest.”