“I’m here because Wilder feels guilty about his ultimatum back then,” I snapped. “All this did was put two people who have already hurt each other in unspeakable ways together in a confined space. If we’re going to have a truce, let’s at least agree to be honest.”
“Fine. Let’s be honest. I helped Pax because the whole situation was fucked-up. You and Landon were dead wrong, but Pax wasn’t right to force Landon to break his own heart. Maybe this works, or maybe it doesn’t, but you’re here now, so we should all just make the best of it.”
We didn’t shake hands—neither of us was touchy-feely—but an understanding passed between us. “Okay.”
She nodded. “Okay.”
I shifted in my seat, hating the way my bare thighs stuck to the vinyl. I should have chosen pants, but I’d opted for a short skirt and halter top and was now paying the price.
As I was mid–skirt adjustment, Landon walked in with Wilder. Landon’s shirt was rolled at the elbows, showing some of that delicious ink, and his smile was movie star-worthy as they made a beeline for the bar and the gaggle of girls there hitting on the other Renegades. Two of Landon’s snowboarding friends had shown up this week, Alex and Gabe, which helped take the contract-clubbing pressure off the newly monogamous Wilder. Leah had been thrilled.
“Shit. Do you want to head back up to the room? I have another half hour down here, but you’re under no obligation,” Penna offered.
I swallowed and shook my head. “He hasn’t noticed me yet. I’m good.”
“He will. I swear you two have radar for when the other is near. I know you don’t want to hear it, but you guys are kind of inevitable.”
A brunette with huge boobs leaned up against Landon’s arm, and he gave her his Nova smile, the one that would no doubt lead to her panties on his floor in the next few hours. I took a gulp of my newly delivered drink and let the alcohol slide down my throat, wishing the burn would take away the burn in my heart.
“The only thing inevitable about us is disaster. Landon likes bright, shiny stunts, the impossible…and once I became possible, well, I wasn’t so shiny anymore, was I? Nothing has changed in that regard.” I nodded toward where the cameras swirled around them and he put on the show he was known for. Why did it hurt so much to see him make that woman laugh? Why did I feel the urge to fly across the floor and tell her to get her manicured hands off his arm? He wasn’t mine anymore…not that he’d actually been mine in the first place. He’d always belonged to the Renegades first.
Penna’s eyes were soft and understanding but not pitying when I glanced back over. “What he did was horrid. I just think you should give him a chance to talk to you. Maybe it was unforgivable, and maybe it wasn’t. Either way, you’d both get some much-needed closure, because listening to you tells me that you’re stuck in the same hell he is.”
I scoffed. “Yeah, if you count hell as fucking everything that moves.”
She glanced in his direction and sighed. “Everyone has their drug of choice. He started self-medicating and hasn’t stopped.”
“Right, well, while he was busy earning that new nickname of his, I was putting myself back together piece by jagged, ripped, bleeding piece. So you’re going to have to forgive me if I’m not ready to let him tear me apart again just so he can feel better about himself. If he thinks I’m a bitch, I’m okay with it. He doesn’t get to argue with what he turned me into.”
I took another drink and looked over to see him whisper in the girl’s ear.
“So then what are you going to do?” Penna asked quietly. “You’re stuck on this ship with him for the next six months.”
“I’ll go to class, get great grades, travel, maybe get to do some fun stunts with you guys,” I answered. “Once we get closer to Korea, I’m going to take the hit to my grades, deplete my savings account, and skip a shore excursion to go find the orphanage I was adopted from. Landon isn’t in any of those plans.”
Penna stared at me quietly, letting moments pass in the beats of the music until she spoke. “Okay. I still hope that you’ll talk to him. I get it—I really do. And you have all of my computer skills at your disposal if you need help with the Korea trip.”
“Thank you,” I said, standing up. “You know what?” I asked, glancing back at where Landon was preoccupied with Big Boobs McGee. “I’m going to go dance. Need anything before I go?”
She shook her head. “Nope, I’m good right here.”
“Okay. Just let me know if there’s anything I can do for you.”
In the past, Penna would have been the first on the dance floor. She got around pretty well in her chair, but I knew she was dying to switch to the weight-bearing cast next week. She’d had it with confinement. “I will,” she said. “And Rachel?”
I turned. “What’s up?”
Her forehead puckered. “I’ve thought a lot the last couple days, and if I had the chance to talk to the person who hurt me? The person I loved most in the world? I’d take it. Because all the pain in the world would be worth it for just the tiniest bit of understanding.”
My heart ached for her. For Brooke. For everything that had led them to this.
“I’ll keep that in mind,” I promised as I headed out to the floor.
I moved with the music, away from the reaching hands of the guys around me, until I felt his gaze. I looked over to the bar and found him watching me, his eyes hot with undisguised want. Maybe I moved my hips just to see if those eyes would narrow. Maybe I felt a little surge of power when he ran his tongue over his lower lip.
Sex had never been our problem. Trust…that was the deal breaker.
He pushed off the bar and headed toward me, abandoning his latest conquest to the other Renegades. My heart thundered and my breath sped as my fight-or-flight response kicked in.
Flight won.
I spun on my wedges and damn near ran for the door. I wasn’t ready to have this conversation, let alone in front of the cameras that would no doubt love to put this into their clubbing sequence. My mangled heart wasn’t up for public consumption, thank you.
“Hey, are you leaving?” Leah asked as she stepped out of the elevator I was desperate to get into.
“I have to. I can’t be here. Not with him,” I explained, almost regretting my choice when her shoulders slumped.
“Okay. I understand. Coffee in the morning?” she asked.
Coffee. Our morning routine since we’d started Dartmouth. The one thing that had kept us both grounded, both ready to face another day. I squeezed her hands and gave her what I hoped was a convincing smile. “Absolutely.”
When Landon burst through the crowd, my cowardice got the best of me. “Tomorrow,” I promised, then stepped back and hit the button to close the door.
I’d won this elevator battle, but not before I saw the brunette chase after him.
He raked his hands through his hair as the doors shut, and I closed my eyes to the pleading in his.