“It even happened again this week. I had a bad couple of days and didn’t treat her very well but she didn’t just stomp off and sulk. She called my bullshit and we solved it. And this might sound strange but part of why I love her so much is that I don’t take it for granted. I don’t like to admit it but whenever I put my hand out a part of me worries that maybe she’s not going to be there this time, that she’s finally sick of all my selfishness and drama…”
Sarah squeezes my hand tightly and presses her temple on my shoulder.
“… and that’s why I freaked out, but then she’s always there for me and I’m so goddamn grateful I wonder what I could have possibly done to deserve her. If you want to know what a soul mate is, Marissa, that’s it. Sarah’s my soul mate. I would stand in front of a train for her, and I love her because she’d do it for me too.”
“Yeah, but it’s not the same—”
“It is the same! Wanting to kiss or have sex, that’s later, another layer. It has to start with a guy who actually loves you, not just says he does, or doesn’t even say it, or doesn’t even look at you! A guy who looks at you like you’re the most important person on Earth! Who doesn’t think you and all your problems and baggage are a pain in the ass or just dead weight to carry around but worth it because you’re pretty or the best he thinks he can do! A guy who knows how fucking crazy you really are inside and doesn’t tolerate your bullshit but loves you for it! Someone who… who… who would do anything to help you and protect you and… and… and take a crappier job at home to be there for you and teach you how to take care of yourself no matter what anyone else says, or who sits and drinks iced tea with you every single day and listens to all your stupid little stories and actually cares about all the dumb things that happened at school and… and… and who lets you say anything without getting mad as long as it’s the truth!”
I’m standing and shouting and waving my arms and Sarah is hugging me tightly and maybe crying and there’s scrambling and stuff getting knocked over and others are calling my name but it’s really important Marissa hears this but I’m being pulled somewhere and it’s not just Sarah but other arms too and it’s all I can do to keep up and not stumble and I’ve completely lost track of where I am or where I’m going until I smell cigarette smoke and pot and hear Faith snarl “Get out!” in a voice I’ve never heard before and know that we’re behind the custodian’s shed and I’m slipping to the ground sandwiched between Sarah and Faith and I’m not sure who else because I can’t hear voices clearly over all the sobbing and wailing and the oddly late realization that the hoarse and wretched barking and howling that sounds like a dying animal is coming from me…
TWENTY-TWO
I’m not sure how long I’ve been asleep. The morning’s a blur… a longish while behind the custodian’s shed… a few minutes of calm, or at least less hysteria… being led somewhere interrupted by another breakdown… some curling up on grass, sobbing hard enough that I threw up breakfast, or maybe that was still behind the shed, I’m not sure… another attempt at walking with no sense of direction until the stairs tell me it’s the parking lot… crawling into the backseat of Sarah’s car, being driven home to an empty house, hands fishing in my bag for keys and then being propped up and half carried up the stairs, aching with exhaustion and wanting to crawl into bed, getting help pulling off my jeans and burrowing under my comforter, coughing as much as crying until finally losing consciousness.
“Is anyone here?” I call, or try to; it comes out a feeble croak.
“We’re all here,” Sarah says. The bed shifts as she lies down behind me and spoons me as much as she can with me under the comforter and her above it. “It’s me, Fay, and Molly.”
“You guys missing school?”
“I don’t miss it much,” Sarah says. “You guys?”
“Don’t miss it a bit,” Molly says from my desk chair.
The bed wiggles from someone leaning against it. “You’re the one we miss, Peegee,” Faith says, only inches away. Her thin fingers wrap around my exposed hand. “You went away. And you don’t have to come back yet if you’re not ready. We’re not going anywhere.”
Her voice is so worried and tender a sob grows in my throat. I start to clamp down on it, to force it back wherever it came from, like always, but I remember I already lost my gold star today so I relax and let it out… and another… and she’s right, I’m not ready. Faith’s hands squeeze mine and Sarah’s arm tightens around my waist and I cry again. Just my throat and face this time, not the body-quakes like before. My eyes and scarf are wet and sticky but it’s not time to get a dry one yet. Faith lets go with one hand and strokes my head like I’m a cat.
“Thank you,” I whisper.
Faith kisses my forehead.
I guess I fell asleep again soon after Faith kissed me. I have no idea how long it’s been. Sarah’s still nestled in behind me, her arm across my waist. I can feel her breath on the back of my ear. She’s breathing slow and steady and even a bit loud. I realize she’s asleep and it makes me smile a tiny bit. I’m amazed that I can smile even this much now.