“It was an accident,” he says. “It was.”
I cough. “But he was taking drugs and I didn’t know, since he felt… I don’t know, depressed or something, and I didn’t know that either. What else didn’t I know? It’s like he was just another secret like everyone else.”
“What does that mean?”
“Everyone is a secret. There’s no way to know what’s in anyone’s head.”
“Ummm… what’s in my hand right now?”
“What? I… I don’t know. How could I?”
“Check it out. It’s right here.”
I find his hand, palm up. He gently closes his fingers and now we’re holding hands.
“There’s nothing in it,” I say.
“Sure there is.” He squeezes. “People are full of things you don’t know but that doesn’t mean they’re secrets; you just don’t know everything yet.” He lets go. “And that’s good, otherwise you’d have no reason to talk anymore.”
There’s a lot I don’t even know about myself, apparently, like why I’ve been such an idiot. All I can think about now are things I do know, like how much I want him to keep talking, and how much I want him to touch my hand again.
Scott stands up. “I have to go to work. Was that why you came, to talk about your dad?”
“No,” I say. I hear my wretched voice and hate myself for it. I stand and sway a bit and grab the back of the chair for support. “I came here… to tell you I’m sorry. I should have listened to you back then. It wasn’t fair to shut you out. I hope you can forgive me. I want to be friends again. Can we?”
“I wish we could. It’s not really possible. And I can’t forgive you when you did nothing wrong. I really have to go. How’d you get here? If you need a ride—”
“No, Sarah will pick me up.” I unfold my cane while trying to orient to walk to the front door with him. “Why can’t we be friends?”
“You need to be able to trust your friends.”
“I… I trust you.”
He opens the front door and we step through. “You used to trust me without hesitating. I can’t forget what that was like.”
He closes the door. “I’m going to be late. You need me to call Sarah?”
“I’ll do it.”
“Okay, I have to go.” His voice fades as he crosses the yard to the driveway and opens a car door. “I’ll see you in Trig tomorrow.”
“Unless I see you first,” I say, like a reflex. It surprises me. A lot of things I’m saying and doing lately are surprising me.
The door closes, the engine starts, the car backs up, and he drives away.
TWENTY-ONE
“Hey, Parker.”
I jump at Jason’s voice almost right next to me at my locker and my hands spring open and drop my bag. I hear the tumble of my stuff spilling out on the concrete. I’m willing to bet that includes the few loose tampons I have in there.
“You jumpy this morning?”
“No,” I say with my patient voice. I squat by my bag and turn it upright. “I pretty much always jump when someone sneaks up on me.” I sweep my hands and scoop everything into my bag.
“I didn’t—” he says, crouching next to me. “Oh… sorry.”
“It’s fine,” I say. “Do I have everything?”
A couple things land in my bag. “Now you do.”
“Thanks.” I stand up and close my locker.
“Hey, you talk to Coach Underhill yet?”
“We decided to give it a week to let everything else get sorted out. I’m meeting with him next Monday afternoon.”
“Cool. You ready to walk? I thought maybe somewhere besides the Bio Garden this time, but I guess it doesn’t matter much.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, I promised Sarah yesterday I’d meet her this morning.”
“What, for homework, or…?”
“No, nothing for school. We just… sort of hang out together in the yard every morning.”
“You’ve been with me all this week.”
“I know, it’s just…” Okay, what do I say now?
A better question is how did I become this person? It’s time to start being myself. If he doesn’t like it, that’ll suck, but better to know sooner than later.
“It’ll take too long to explain now but Sarah and I sit outside and listen to people who want to talk, for advice about all kinds of stuff. Only we sort of got into a fight earlier this week… well, more like a misunderstanding… Okay, I was being an idiot. Then you asked me to walk at the same time so I went with you instead, but now Sarah and I have patched things up. Make sense?”
“Not really. I just thought we had this thing going with morning walks.”
“No, I mean yeah, it was nice, I just usually sit with Sarah. We can still have lunch today. What do you normally do here in the morning?”
“I’m not usually here. I came early Monday to talk to you and then we started our walks.”
He lets this hang there and I’m confused. Is he trying to guilt me, or get me to cancel on Sarah—like two days in a row constitutes a recurring date?
“Sorry, I didn’t know. I thought you were here anyway. I better get going.”