“What?” I say.
“You.” She sits down. “You’re not up. As in you’re down. Like you were all day yesterday. It’s okay. You can’t be up every day. It’d be weird if you were.”
“Well…” I try to think of something Parker would say if she weren’t down. “There you go. I wouldn’t want to be weird.”
D.B. laughs. It surprises me how much I appreciate it.
I reach the library after school but as I approach our table I don’t hear Molly’s usual greeting. Maybe I’ve beaten her here for once.
“Hey, Parker,” Sarah says.
I stiffen, outwardly. I can’t take it back.
“Hey, Sarah. Where’s Molly?”
“I asked her at lunch if she could be five minutes late today so we could talk. I know texting during the day is a pain.”
It is for me. I put down my bag and sit. I try to relax but can’t. “About what?”
“About whatever I did that you’re mad about.”
“I’m not mad.” I throw in a shrug. It’s true. I wish I were mad. I just found out I liked her more than she likes me, or at least trusted her more… Talking about it would just make it worse, make me even more pathetic.
“If you’re not mad you’re still something. I can see wanting to hang out with Jason, but you’re not talking to me at all anymore. Why didn’t you call me last night?”
There it is, the direct question. So far my lies have been slippery. I just don’t have it in me to completely make up some bullshit reason why I didn’t call. I might not be able to tell her the whole truth, but at least I can say true things.
“I just didn’t feel like talking. Is that not okay?”
“Of course it’s okay, but…” She takes a deep breath. “Something’s happened. I don’t know what, but…” Her voice drops to a near whisper, not angry, more like she’s hurt. “You’re treating me like I’m stupid. I might not be taking all honors and AP classes like you but it’s just that I don’t want to bother with subjects I don’t care about. It’s not because I’m stupid. I’m not stupid.”
My throat closes. These past two days have seemed like forever and God I miss my Sarah. But I missed Scott, too, and just like now, I was actually missing what I thought I had, not what I really had. I miss the Sarah I thought I had. I feel like I’m melting.
I cough to clear my throat. “I know you’re not. You’re the smartest person I know.”
“Next to you,” she says. I can’t tell if it’s a Sarah-style joke or a jab.
“I know I’m not as smart as you. I’ve actually been feeling pretty stupid lately.”
“Why?”
“Just… stuff. You know.”
“No, I don’t know.”
Silence.
“This is about Rick, isn’t it?”
“Why would I be upset about you breaking up with Rick?”
“Not that I did, just that I didn’t, I don’t know, tell you I was going to do it beforehand? I told you I decided while you were out with Jason. Did you want me to call you at the restaurant during your date?”
“You could if you wanted to.”
“Just so you’d get to hear about it before it happened instead of after?”
I concentrate on slowing down my breathing, to stay calm.
“I didn’t know you thought I was that petty,” I manage to say.
“No, Parker, I’m sorry.” She sits across from me and puts her hands on mine. I flinch but I don’t pull back. I don’t want to do anything to make things worse.
“I didn’t mean that,” she says. “I just… I don’t understand. Please, whatever it is, just tell me. You know you can tell me anything, don’t you?”
“I know. And you can tell me anything, right?”
“I know I can. Believe me, my next boyfriend, when I’m going to dump him, you’ll hear about it first. I promise.”
I take my hand from hers, but to make it less glaring, I start unloading my bag for when Molly comes.
“Only if you want to,” I say. “It’s not a new rule or anything. You don’t need to run everything by me first.”
“That’s not… that’s not what I meant. I just mean…” She doesn’t finish the sentence. I don’t think she knows what she means if it’s not what it sounded like. I don’t know what else it could mean.
The door to the library opens.
“I hope that’s you, Molly. We have lots to do today.”
“Only if you’re taking different classes than I am,” Molly says. Then she adds, “Oh, or… I mean, except Trig I guess, that could take a while.”
Sarah gets up. “I’ll ca—” She stops herself. Then, “See you, Molly.”
When she’s gone, Molly says, “Should I ask, or… no?”
I struggle to think of a way to say no that isn’t rude. None of this is Molly’s fault and has nothing to do with her, but we’re getting to be friends, so even just saying no would sound… unfriendly.
“I’m not ready to be asked yet. But thanks for asking… about asking…”