This is the happiest I've felt in a really long time. Callie took a step forward. A giant, monumental step forward. She's been stuck in the same place for a year, but she finally took a step forward. And that makes me happy. So freaking happy. Deliriously happy.
Callie's happiness makes me happy? I think that means something. Something I already knew but wasn't ready to admit. I think it means I'm falling in love with her. Or maybe I already am.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Callie
After work I stop at Nash's house to get my key. I find him in the living room, taking measurements of the floor.
"So what happened? Did you talk to her?"
"Yeah, I called her as soon as I got home." He sets his tape measure down and walks over to me. "After I told her about your mom, she felt really bad. She was put in charge of invites and was given a list of names and addresses and just sent the letters out."
"Was she friends with my mom?"
"They were friends back in college, but it didn't sound like they were close. She told me to tell you she's really sorry about your mom and that she'll take her name off the mailing list so this doesn't happen again."
"Thanks for calling her. I know I should've done it myself but—"
"Callie, don't worry about it. I understand why you didn't want to call her."
"I need to go change from work. Do you have my key?"
He takes it from his pocket, and as he gives it to me, he holds onto my hand, his face serious except for the slightest uptick of his lips.
"What? Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Because I saw what you did. I didn't touch anything at your house, but I noticed that you'd packed away a few things."
"Yeah," I say quietly, dropping my head.
"So how do you feel?"
"Sad. Like they'll think I don't care about them anymore."
He lifts my chin up to look at him. "They wouldn't think that. If anything, they'd be proud of you. Just like I am." He pauses, his eyes on mine. "I know how hard that was for you."
He really does, because he knows what it's like to lose someone. He lost his best friend, and then his mom.
After Nash left my house on Saturday, I thought about what he said, about Becky and her love of country music living on through him. He's right. The people we love do live on through us. My mom, Greg, and Ben influenced me to become the person I am, or used to be before they died.
I look just like my mom, and we both liked to cook and watch old black and white movies and collect funky jewelry from art fairs. Greg always challenged me to do things I thought were too hard or too much work, like take the hardest classes at school, compete on the track team, and apply for a top college. Those were all things I wanted to do, but wouldn't have if Greg hadn't pushed me to do them.
And as for Ben? He brought out the soft side in me. Before he came along, I played the role of bad-ass teenager. I didn't give hugs, I got angry a lot, and I kept a wall up to keep people out. I'm not sure why I was that way. I think it was just a phase I was going through. But then Ben came along and my heart melted and the wall came down. I adored my little brother, giving him hugs and kisses and tickling him. I was still Callie, but a Callie who wasn't so mad at the world.
And now? I've let myself become someone I don't recognize. I'm losing all the traits my family gave me. But I didn't realize that until Nash made those comments last weekend. That's what made me start to pack away my family's things. As Nash said, they're just objects, not a connection to my family. They don't live on through those objects. They live on through me. That's my connection to them. The things they taught me. Their influence on me. They made me who I am. But this past year, I've lost that connection to them because I haven't been me. The Callie they knew. The Callie that existed before they died. I've been holding onto things that don't matter and losing myself in the process.
I can't keep living like this. Part of me knew I couldn't continue this way forever, but the other part of me liked the safe bubble I'd created for myself, never having to move forward and face the fact that they weren't coming back. But Nash burst that bubble with the words he spoke last Saturday. He thought I was mad at him for saying them, and at the time, I was. But then his words sunk in, and I was grateful that he said them. It made me finally realize that I need to change or things will never get better.
I know that change won't come overnight, but I've begun the process by taking their things out of the living room, which was hard, but not as hard as packing away Ben's toys. That nearly killed me. I cried so much it took me forever to finish, but now it's done. The only toy that remains is the monkey he gave me before he left that day. The one he said would take care of me while he was gone.
Nash's eyes are still on me, waiting for my response, so I say, "I couldn't have done all that if it weren't for you."
His brows rise in surprise. "What did I do?"
"You told me why you like country music." I smile a little.
He nods and murmurs under his breath, "Becky."
"Yeah." I turn and walk to the door. "I have to go change. I'll be right back."