As I run on the treadmill, feeling the blood rush through my veins, feeling the air fill my lungs, I can feel the seed of courage inside me growing.
Contrary to what Randall said, I still have a lot to fear. Even with him beside me, I’m still afraid. But I’ve decided not to live in fear any longer. I’m not going to cringe in the shadows, punish myself for something that was not my fault, wallow in regret about something that I can’t change, or hold myself back from living.
From now on, I am going to live.
I can’t get rid of the fear, but I’m not going to let the fear of the consequences of my actions keep me from acting. I’m not going to let fear cripple me anymore or hold me back from experiencing new things that could make me happy.
That’s why I gave in to Randall last night. That’s why I had sex with him.
At first, I just wanted to forget the pain. But as he kissed me, as he touched me, as he made me feel beautiful and amazing, I realized I wanted to forget the fear. I wanted to be brave.
I’ve been wanting to have sex with him. Heck, I know that somewhere along the way, I’ve fallen for him. That’s why I wanted to stay. That’s why I let him stop me. I’ve just been denying it, denying myself because of fear. But as the words that he’d been trying to tell me sunk in, as I felt his body against mine, as I saw myself through his eyes, I decided I was done with fear.
I gave in.
And it was worth it. Even now, the memories of his lips pressed to mine, his muscles beneath my palms, of his cock inside me are all still fresh. Just remembering them, I feel a different rush, a surge of excitement, of joy.
I feel alive.
I smile as I turn off the treadmill and grab my towel. I wasn’t really planning on coming here to the gym but as I passed by with my new disposition, I thought, why not? I’m trying to be stronger so becoming fit seems only natural. Also, maybe if I exercise, I won’t be panting so much after sex next time.
As I wipe the sweat off my skin, I already feel stronger. I grab my bottle of water, drinking as I leave the gym. Beside a window, I pause, looking out.
It’s another beautiful day.
The question is: What am I going to do today?
David is in school, and I’ve already decided that I’ll talk to him later when he gets home. Until then, I don’t really have anything in mind.
There are a few possibilities. Read a book. Learn a new recipe from Mrs. Wilson. Play a video game. None of those interest me too much, though. Besides, I feel like I should be doing something more productive.
Just then, I see Zombie walking across the lawn and I remember something I was telling myself I’d do – give him a bath.
***
“This feels good, doesn’t it?” I rub Zombie’s fur as I wash out the suds with the hose.
Just like before, he didn’t like the bath at first, trying to splash me and run away. Finally, though, he’s stopped fighting me, standing still and letting me rinse him.
“I told you a bath’s good for you, especially after yesterday’s adventure. It gets rid of all that dirt from the streets and makes you feel clean, which must feel good. It makes you feel cool, which you must need since you have black fur. Plus, look at all this attention I’m giving you.”
He does seem to like the attention now, basking in it.
I pet him behind his ears. “Well, you do deserve something for taking care of David yesterday. Thanks for not leaving his side and not letting him get into trouble.”
He turns to me, giving me a lick.
I chuckle. “You’re just like your master, aren’t you? You may have a streak of mischief but you do have a good heart.”
As I continue rinsing him, I remember the dogs I used to have. We always had dogs on the farm. Some of them stayed around for a long time and I’d be the one bathing and feeding them, sometimes even getting fleas off them.
I sigh. I may have run away from the farm, but I do miss it sometimes. I miss Uncle Ed, even though he always wished I was a boy and thought I was weaker than his sons, even when I could ride a horse better. I miss Aunt Nora, too, even though she loved to order me around and clearly loves her boys more than me. Of course she would. They’re her own blood, after all. And I miss George and Scott. They may have caused me a lot of trouble and played a lot of pranks on me but if not for them, I wouldn’t have trusted myself to be a nanny or know how to deal with David.
I miss them. Actually, at one point during my wedding, I wished they were there. Maybe one day I can see them again and ask them to forgive me, someday when my life isn’t so much a mess. I want to repay them for giving me a family and hopefully, I’ll make something of myself that they can be even remotely proud of.
I finish rinsing Zombie then turn the hose off and step back so he can shake all that water before running off. Of course, most of it lands on me but it’s fine. I’m still in my exercise clothes, and I haven’t showered yet anyway.
So now, I smell like sweat and dog. Great.
Then again, I’ve smelled worse.
Wiping myself again with my towel, I head back inside the house so I can take a shower. Just as I approach the fountain, though, I hear chatter.
Guests? Randall didn’t inform me about any guests.
I stop, waiting for the people to come into view.
There are three women, all looking elegant and sophisticated. One of them is in her sixties, wearing a feathered hat and a peach-colored dress with long sleeves and a string of pearls around her neck. She reminds me of one of those women who I see on TV attending royal weddings or funerals. The other looks like she’s in her forties – or is it thirties? – wearing oversized sunglasses and a navy-blue jumpsuit with a plunging neckline, diamonds hanging from her neck and ears. The third is the youngest, her blonde hair in a single braid flowing down her white blouse, which is paired with gray slacks. No jewelry except for her gold watch but she does have two expensive-looking handbags hanging from her arm, a bottle of Evian in one hand.
At first glance, she looks just as sophisticated as the other two but a second look tells me she’s not quite on the same footing, especially since she’s behind them and isn’t talking, her head bowed slightly. I bet one of those handbags isn’t hers. Maybe both. Maybe not even the bottle.
An assistant? A secretary? Something tells me she isn’t important. It’s the two other women I should pay attention to.
Who are they?
The woman in the jumpsuit notices me first, moving her sunglasses to the top of her head.
“Well, what do we have here?” She looks at me from my head to my toes and back to my head again.
I suddenly wish I had showered first and put on better clothes. I feel underdressed.
“A maid in workout clothes? A trainer in training?” She sniffs me. “A dog handler? Though it looks like the dog handled you instead.”
I frown. Who does this woman think she is?
“My name is Sabrina Ja– Brewster,” I introduce myself, removing the towel from around my neck and straightening my shoulders.