The cool expression on Liv’s face betrays nothing. She’s like a statue, cold and unmoving. “I didn’t mean for you to hear all of that, but…yes. That is exactly how I feel.”
I glance over my shoulder and see Em. She looks heartbroken. Her eyes fill with tears and her lower lip trembles, like she’s barely holding it together. I want to offer her comfort, but I know that’ll make Liv mad. And ultimately, I’m Liv’s friend first.
So I need to stick with where my loyalty lies.
“I was hoping we could become friends again. I was really hoping we could forgive each other and move on, but I guess not.” Em sounds so lost and sad, I want to go to her and offer her comfort. But I don’t. I just give her a sympathetic smile, though she’s not even looking at me.
“Even after everything that happened, you really believed that?” Liv asks incredulously.
“Of course I really believed that. We all believe what we want, right? But I guess my beliefs were too crazy to be real.” With a shake of her head, Em stalks off, never once looking back.
Liv blows out a harsh breath. “Well. That was surprisingly easy.”
I whirl on her. “You wanted her to hear that?”
“Maybe not all of it, but I’ve definitely wanted to tell her how I really felt. I just didn’t know how.” She sighs. “I didn’t have the guts.”
I stare at her, shocked that she doesn’t feel even remotely bad for what she said. When I don’t say anything, I witness Livvy’s immediate slide into defense mode.
“Things are so much better now, Amanda! You’ve seen how I am. How Ryan and I are doing. We’re getting along great. We are closer than ever. Plus, I have you in my life. I’ve made some friends in Yearbook. I don’t need anyone else, and I definitely don’t need Em stirring the pot and screwing things up.”
Maybe Liv’s right. Maybe she is better off without Em in her life. Em just seemed so lost, so sad. I really wanted to give Liv back Em, and maybe that’s my own guilt seeping in, I can’t help it. I wish they could get along.
I’m truly starting to believe that’ll never happen. And I need to accept that.
“So.” Liv’s face turns plaintive. “Will you go with me to PP tomorrow? Please? I really need you there. I can’t ask Ryan to go with me.”
“Why not?”
“He’ll freak out. I assured him I could never get pregnant, even if the condom broke, but I don’t know about that. What if I can get pregnant? He will die. He might even…” Liv’s face starts to fall and I reach for her. Grab her by the shoulders and give her a solid shake.
“You’re not—” My voice lowers. “—pregnant. I can feel it in my bones. And my bones never lie.”
Liv giggles, but only for a moment before she’s somber again. “I won’t feel better unless I go and get checked tomorrow. And get on the pill. I need to do this, Amanda. For peace of mind, more than anything.”
Sighing, I curl my arm around her and haul her in close to me. “Fine. We’ll go. But right after you’ll need to bring me back here so I can work on with the team during practice.” Practices can run until six sometimes, and maybe if we get out of our appointments early enough, I can help for the last half hour or so.”
“What exactly are you doing for them anyway? I just thought you were the water girl at the games.”
“Apparently now I’m the water girl during practice too. Staying hydrated doesn’t ever stop, you know.”
“You sound like a commercial.” Livvy rolls her eyes then draws me into a hug. “I need to get home. My mom’s expecting me. I’ll text you later, okay?”
“Bye.”
I walk out to the football field alone, my mind filled with too many thoughts. Thankfully, a lot of those thoughts aren’t my own and don’t involve Jordan Tuttle, which is nice. It feels like a little reprieve, worrying about someone else’s problems. I have enough, and really don’t want to add more to the mix if I can help it.
But as I draw closer to the field and see the boys out there, I can’t help but think of Tuttle. And how he cut me off.
And how mad that makes me.
Kyla spots me approaching and waves me over. She shows me the elaborate hydration station with all the brisk efficiency of someone who’s been at this for a long time. She is in her element here on the sidelines. The boys all treat her like she’s their little sister or adopted mascot.
She takes it all in stride, laughing and teasing, sometimes flirting, though not too much. She’s very professional. I can’t help but envy how easy she makes everything seem. Working with the boys, organizing the water, jumping to it when Coach Halsey screams her name. There’s never a hair out of place, her placid expression proving she’s unflappable. I wish I were that confident.