She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and then opened them again. When she leaned toward him and pressed her lips to his, he shook.
“Shower, Ryder. I’m okay. You’re okay. We’re alive. Remember that.”
He kissed her a little harder then let her go. She had to take a few moments to compose herself so she didn’t break down in tears, or worse, strip off his jeans herself and make love to him hard against the wall.
When she felt steady enough, she turned on the taps to as hot as they both could take it and added a few bath salts. While she normally liked her water pure and simple, both of them had been through a lot and a little bit of pampering couldn’t hurt. Plus, she liked the scent of the salts. So much better than burnt wood and smoke.
The shower started behind her and she had to force herself not to turn around and look at Ryder through the clear glass door. She’d ogled him enough for the day. Leah quickly stripped out of her clothes, aware that Ryder was staring at her. She couldn’t help but feel his intense gaze on her. It was almost palpable. She wasn’t self-conscious about her body, especially with Ryder, so she slowly eased herself into the extra-large claw foot tub. The thing could easily fit three or four people, and it achieved the amazing feat of covering her knees and breasts at the same time. It was seriously her most favorite thing in the house.
As soon as she let the water lap over her skin, she let her magic ease through her pores. Her small cuts and burns healed quickly, the bruising taking a bit longer as they were deeper. Soon, she was healed, and the water was at a decent level. She reached up to turn it off, but Ryder beat her. She hadn’t even heard the shower turn off since she’d been focusing on each bruise on her body.
“Lean forward,” Ryder said. She did, bringing her knees to her chest so he would have space to maneuver around.
He slid into the tub right behind her, his legs encasing her on each side. He wrapped an arm around her waist and brought her back to his front. His rock-hard erection pressed into the small of her back, and she had to bite her lip to stop from moaning. She let her head rest on his shoulder and sighed, finally finding some semblance of peace for the first time since she’d felt that pinprick at her neck.
They lay there in silence, their breathing easing into soothing inhalations and exhalations in sync with one another. His hand gently ran up her stomach and to the space between her breasts before going back down again. It was an easy movement, one of comfort and familiarity. She had her fingers on his other arm, letting them dance softly along his skin so she could feel his touch, feel him.
“I almost lost you, too,” she said finally, surprising herself. Ryder’s hand stopped moving, his fingers right under her breast.
“Leah…”
“I know we’re being careful, or at least trying, but I can’t lie to myself anymore. I almost lost you because you were trying to save my life. I’ll never be able to repay you for that…but I don’t know what I would have done if you’d died.” She was grateful he couldn’t see her face.
“I don’t know what I would have done if I had lost you either,” he said after a moment of silence. “I just don’t know.”
“What are we doing, Ryder? How can it hurt this much yet feel so…right?”
He kissed the side of her neck, and she let out a sigh. When he buried his face there, she had to press her lips together before she said something monumentally stupid like she loved him or something.
“I can’t form a bond with you, Leah. I…can’t.” His voice broke and he let out a growl. “You have no fucking idea how much I want to, damn it. I want you in my bed. In my life. I want you as my mate, but I can’t.”
She froze, her body suddenly cold. He’d never said that before, even if he’d hinted at it. If only he’d have enough trust in her to tell her why he couldn’t. It broke her, even though she knew that she couldn’t have him either. What would happen to him if she created the bond? What would the Coven do to him then?
“Maybe…maybe we could try without the bond?” She winced, prepared for his refusal. “We can do as we are…just without the bond.”
He didn’t speak for so long she was afraid she’d said something wrong. Or maybe he was trying to find a way to let her down easily.
Instead, he slid his hand down her stomach to cup her sex. She gasped and rocked into him.
“We can try, Leah. We can damn well try. But if it hurts too much, if you need more, you need to let me know.”
And he would let her go. He didn’t say it, but she knew that’s what he’d meant. They would have fun, have some sort of emotional tie and relationship, but they wouldn’t bond. She could do that and hope that one day he would tell her why he couldn’t bond with her. She deserved that much. But for now, she would take it.