It was time to change the subject. The unknown was too terrifying to ponder for any length of time. I wiped mustard from his beautiful lip. “Eat your sandwich. Maybe we can catch a movie after this.”
He smiled. “No chick flicks though. I went from being forced to watch kid movies to teen angst to chick flicks. I want to see a thriller or one of those superhero movies.”
I rolled my eyes, laughing. My sweet Lucian, like a little boy. He’d been subjected to everything I had wanted to do for so long. He was finally getting a chance to make some decisions, and I loved watching him experience that freedom. “Anything you want,” I said. His face lit up.
I found another feather on the floor of my bedroom that day but didn’t mention it to him. As I picked it up, it turned to dust in my hand. I wondered if that was eventually what was to come for him.
IN THE CAR, on the way to the movies, Lucian drove, and it felt like we were normal people going on a date.
“Can I ask you something without you getting upset?”
“Sure,” he said.
“If you kill me, I’ll become like you and everything will be okay?”
“I don’t know, Evey. That’s just what I heard from Zack. Half the time, he’s full of shit. If I die, you won’t remember me. I will be forgotten, and you’ll go on with your life and get a new angel that doesn’t break all the rules. You’ll find someone to marry. A normal man,” he said, in a low voice. “You’ll have babies.” He glanced over at me and smiled, but his eyes were full of pain. “Your fashion line will take off, and everything will be great. You’re a good person. I have faith that good things will happen for you.”
“But I want you, Lucian. No one else.” I perked up and tried to lighten the mood. “I have my own theory about what’s happening to you.”
“What’s that?”
“I think you’re becoming like me… human.”
“Maybe,” he said absently. “Naps and food—I’m like a regular guy, aren’t I?”
“Way hotter though,” I said, and we laughed.
EVEN THOUGH I wanted to crawl into bed with Evey and sleep the night away, I knew I had to get more answers. I set up a fake Tinder account with a picture that blocked out my face but showed my shirtless body. I swiped right on Abigail’s picture and waited. She responded. We planned to meet in room 212 at the St. Francis.
During magic hour, I rushed to the hotel, hoping to get into the room before her; otherwise, I was sure she wouldn’t open the door. When she knocked, I swung the door open, yanked on her arm, and pulled her inside.
“Oh, you,” she barked.
“Just shut it. I need to talk to you. I need some help.”
“You look like shit.”
I rolled my eyes. “Thanks.”
“Why should I help you?”
“Because I’ve never done anything to you. But I did cover for you when you needed it, and I saved Brooklyn’s life that one time she was drunk and hanging off the edge of a balcony like an idiot. You were nowhere in sight. You owe me.”
“You seem sober for once.”
“I haven’t had a drink in days.”
“I’m shocked, seriously,” she said. “What do you want my help with?”
“It seems like you know things, like inside things.”
“Well, I’ve been around longer than you have.”
I pointed from her chest to mine. “You’re older than me?”
“Duh.” She twirled around. “Look at me. I’m a way better version.”
I shook my head. “Whatever. I just need to know how I can be with her. Something is happening to me. I think I’m dying. Evey thinks maybe I’m becoming a human.”
For the first time in the twenty-five years I had known Abigail, I saw compassion in her eyes. “I wish I could help you. I really do. You can be with her if you take her out—that’s what I’ve heard. But there are consequences. I mean, do you realize what killing your own soul would mean? True blasphemy, sacrilege, all of that stuff.”
“Zack heard a story about an angel in Memphis who drowned her soul and now they’re together.”
She shook her head. “I’ve heard that story, but I doubt it’s all true. Anyway, why would you want her to become one of us now? Those new versions are a bit janky, you know?”
They really weren’t, but old angels, even me, liked to pretend that we were so much better. If Evey became one of us, she wouldn’t be herself anymore. Everything we’d shared would be gone. If I had been a normal man who had become an angel, I had no memory of my human life at all. She wouldn’t either.
“I wish I could get some answers. Mona knows nothing,” I said.
Abigail arched her thin eyebrows. “No one does.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. We’re just supposed to do the right thing and have faith that everything will work out.” She caressed my cheek with her thumb. I don’t know why I let her.
“That ship has sailed, Abigail. I haven’t been doing the right thing for a while now.”
She moved closer to me. “I’m sorry. I know you’re going through a lot.”
“I don’t know why it’s possible that I’m in love with Evey. There has to be a reason.”
“Maybe the booze is scrambling your brain.”
“I told you, I quit drinking.”
“Well, we’re different. I don’t understand how you can even be attracted to her. Humans smell gross, and they’re just not good-looking. They’re not like us. I think we can get you back, Lucian. I think I can remind you of what it’s like to be with one of us.”
She leaned up to kiss me, and I pushed her back. “No, stop! What are you doing?”
She scowled. “Geez, you really are fucked in the head.”
“Did I not make it clear? I’m in love with her. The crazy kind of love that you and I have seen over and over… in them, not us. It’s the rip-your-bleeding-heart-out-and-step-in-front-of-a-speeding-train kind of love. You know what I’m talking about.”
She huffed. “Jesus, dramatic much? Duh, Lucian, you feel that way about Evey because you’re built to protect her.”
“I doubt you feel this kind of love for Brooklyn.”
“Yes, I do. I was devastated when she got herpes.”
I shook my head. “That’s not what I mean. I love Evey so much it’s selfish. I crave her touch. The way she looks at me… it’s not the same. I’ve been around long enough to know that.”
“Well, I don’t know what to say. You’re hopeless.”
“I know. Believe me, I know.”
After she left, I wandered the streets for the rest of magic hour and watched as angels scurried away from me like I was some kind of demon pariah. I went into a liquor store and stole a bottle of Scotch. The counter employee was human, so it was an easy grab. Back at Evey’s apartment, I sat on the floor of her bedroom and drank myself silly.
When she woke up, she spotted me in the corner. I was smiling and probably looking as stupid as I felt.
“Oh, Lucian.”
“I naah tha drunk,” I said, shaking my head.
“Come here.”
I stumbled over and collapsed into her arms. “I gonna be sober in no tine,” I slurred just before passing out.
Sometime later, I woke up to Evey sitting on the bed next to me, holding toast. “You need to eat, and I need to go to work. Why don’t you stay here and get some rest?”
I sat up quickly and leaned against the headboard. “I have to go with you.”