“We had a falling out a long time ago, but that’s in the past. I got over it, and he should too. Isn’t the forgiveness thing his whole schtick anyway? And by the way, that debacle with Mary Magdalene had nothing to do with me. I couldn’t control her. I think he and I are on good terms now though.”
“You’re always saying that, Luc. It was a long time ago, but you still haven’t taken responsibility for it. I think that’s the only thing causing problems for you now.”
“No, what’s causing problems for me now is that I’m in love with Evey. My past wouldn’t be an issue if it weren’t for her. Why didn’t they banish me to the Star Wars bar?”
“Because of your past. They’ve just had it. They think you’re a lost cause.”
“A lost cause? Do you know how many great events in history I’m responsible for?”
“I gotta go,” Zack said.
“You’re my best friend, Zack.” If I said it enough, maybe he’d believe me and stick by me.
“I have to go and do what’s right.” He reached his hand out for a shake, and I pulled him into a hug.
“I’m going to miss you,” I told him.
“It might not be forever.”
“I hope not, but I’m changing. Something is happening to me.” He nodded but didn’t reply. “Zack, will you please find Mona and tell her I need to talk to her?”
“I’ll see what I can do.” Then with complete sorrow written on his face, he flew away into the powerful wind, flapping his crappy wings as hard as he could to get enough lift.
I got a chill sitting on top of the tower. I had never been cold before. Wrapping my wings around myself, I waited. There was a thump behind me… feet landing.
“Lucian?” Mona sounded defeated.
I couldn’t look at her. I kept my head down when I spoke. “How bad is it?”
“I fought for you.”
“Just tell me how bad it is.” What is everyone keeping from me?
“All the higher-ups decided you weren’t worth helping.”
She was standing next to me by that point; I could feel it. “So I’m not banished, but it’s worse? I lost two feathers today.”
“That’s going to happen.”
“What else is going to happen, Mona?”
“I’m not certain, but I don’t think it will be pretty.”
I looked up into her eyes for the first time since she had gotten there. “She’ll be crushed if anything happens to me. This will ruin Evey. It will break her heart into a million pieces. She’ll never be the same. I’ll stop seeing her if I have to. I’ll erase her memory. You can reassign me.”
“I think it’s too late for that.”
“I don’t understand. What’s going to happen? Tell me, please. What? Poof? No, please tell that’s not going to happen.” I was pleading not for my own life but for Evey’s sake. “She’ll die. She’s in love with me.” I knew my eyes were as wide as saucers.
“I don’t know what will happen, but if it is poof, she won’t remember you at all. You’ll be forgotten.”
Anger boiled over in me. “Just like that, huh? And there’s no stopping it?”
“Just like that.”
“Please talk to the big guy for me. Do something. I promise I’ll change. I already quit drinking.”
“I don’t think I can help, but I’ll give it one last try, Lucian. And it’s not just about quitting the booze. It probably has to do with you atoning for what you’ve done and asking those you’ve hurt for forgiveness.”
“Atonement? Who have I hurt?”
“You’ve hurt Evey.” Hearing that felt like a stake in the heart. “Lucian, you’ve interfered with her life in such a colossal way there is probably no repairing it.”
I shook my head. “There are always second chances.”
“Not always. I know how well meaning you’ve always been. You looked out for her, but you just got too damn close.”
“Anything you can do, Mona, I’m begging you.”
She looked at her watch. “You have a minute or so to get back to her. And remember, as long as you’re there, no one else will be assigned to her.”
She was basically saying I was still responsible for Evey. Not that I would ever let anything happen to her, but I noticed I was a little slower to get off the ground from the top of Coit. I wondered if I was not only cursing Evey’s heart, but her life too.
I made it back to Evey’s just as magic hour was ending. She stirred, so I stripped down, crawled underneath the covers, and began kissing her belly. I thought about having a baby with her, knowing it was impossible. My eyes welled up from the idea that I was taking that away from her. I thought maybe I should just walk in front of a bus and end it all right there. Evey would forget about me, and I would disintegrate into nothingness.
“Oh, Lucian,” she moaned.
I moved down farther until I was kissing her there. She tasted so good, and she was making perfect sounds and holding my head to her body, writhing beneath me, and that’s when the whole bus idea started sounding really bad.
I sat up on my knees. “Turn around.”
She did. She got on her hands and knees, totally exposed to me. I ran my hand down her perfect ass, and then I was inside her. Her back arched. She lifted off her hands and leaned into my body. We moved like that for a long time. Evey was out of her mind with lust. I could feel her heart racing and her legs trembling. She was crumbling all around me, coming with unrepentant joy. But for me, the guilt was eating away at my insides, and it was hard to stay in the moment.
“God, yes,” she whispered.
When Evey was done, she plopped onto the bed, turned, and said, “Is something wrong?” She had sensed that I wasn’t fully present.
I lay down beside her and took her in my arms. “No.”
“You seemed far away.”
“I just wanted you to feel good.” I told her the truth, but she was right—I was far away. What Mona had said was a lot to digest. Why hadn’t they just banished me? Not knowing what was going to happen would be my punishment?
Evey propped herself on her elbow and looked me in the eyes. “Are you sure?”
I nodded. “Positive. You know what?” I traced a line under her arm with my index finger.
She giggled. “What?”
“You need to get ready for work, young lady.”
She rolled off me and looked up at the ceiling. “Ugh, Tracey.”
“I know, I agree. She’s unbearable.”
“Isn’t she? She’s so full of herself.”
“Just stick it out a little longer. She knows the right people.”
“You’re the first person who has told me to wait it out with Tracey. But you’re right—it’s the only sensible thing to do. Everyone is always saying I should ditch her.”
“I have your best interest in mind. I’m not always going to tell you what you want to hear.”
“I get that.” She leaned in and kissed me. “I like your honesty.” She reached behind me, and then with a grim look, she handed me a feather. “Another one.”
When I reached for it, it disintegrated. Jesus, really? This is how it’s gonna be?
“Why don’t you ride in the car with me?” she suggested, pulling me out of my head.
“Okay.”
On the way to work, I had to tell Evey to slow down twenty times. She drives like a maniac. That driving instructor she’d had when she was sixteen was terrible. If I hadn’t had intervened, she’d be dead by now.
“Don’t be a backseat driver,” she said.
“I taught you better than this.”