He closed his eyes at the thought of his daughter’s name. He’d lost his baby girl, and still didn’t know how to talk about it. His brothers didn’t mention her; neither did the friends who had been with him back then. It didn’t seem fair to the child he’d lost that he wouldn’t even mention her in passing, but he thought about her. Daily. He thought about how old she’d be now, what she’d be learning in school, what sport she’d play if she felt like it. He’d wanted her to reach her teens so they could fight like every other parent and child he knew. He wanted to see her grow up and find her independence as it clashed with his need to parent. He wanted to stay up late, watching the clock as he waited for his daughter to come home after hanging out with her friends, or hell, from her first date.
He wanted to walk her down the aisle and give her away to someone who would never be good enough but would be perfect for her anyway.
Because that’s what fathers did.
And he’d never have that chance. Never have another breath of fresh air next to the daughter he loved with all of his heart. With a twist of fate, he’d lost his baby girl, and part of his soul with her.
He and Candice hadn’t been strong enough to weather the storm together, and he’d be damned if he spent the anniversary of Cynthia’s death dealing with the one woman he never wanted to see again.
“You need to go, Candice,” he said after a few moments of silence. She hadn’t said anything back to him after he’d yelled, after he’d told her he wanted nothing to do with her.
Because she truly hadn’t changed since she’d left. She didn’t like dealing with the hard things, and instead, would hide behind tears and incriminating silences until someone took care of her. He’d never actually faulted her for that because, frankly, sometimes he wanted to do that, as well. But he wasn’t going to deal with her anymore.
That chapter of their lives was over because God had decided that Graham didn’t need a child anymore. Candice was just going to have to deal with it.
“I think I should stay,” his ex-wife said after a moment. “I don’t think you should be alone this month.”
He whirled on her but did his best to keep his anger in check. “I’m not alone. I have my brothers, and hell, the entire Montgomery clan if I snap my fingers. They are here for me without an agenda, without a need to comfort them when I want to crawl up the walls.” He sighed and moved toward her.
Her eyes widened, wet from her tears. Her face had gone pale except in the cheeks where she’d reddened from crying.
When he stood right in front of her, not touching, and with no real need to move any closer, he looked into her eyes and shook his head.
“You can’t stay here, Candice. And, honey, you don’t want to. Don’t you get that? Being here won’t help you grieve, won’t help you do what you need to in order to heal. It didn’t work when we were married and falling apart, and it won’t work now. Go to your friends, to your parents. Be with them, because being with me didn’t work for you before and it’s not going to work now.”
She shook her head. “You don’t know that.”
He did what he hadn’t wanted to do and cupped her face. A look of hope sprang to her eyes, but he knew it wasn’t for him. Rather, it was for the fact that she had another person to touch, to touch her. Candice hadn’t changed in the years since high school. She hated being alone, hated not having another human near her. So when the world fell out from beneath her feet, she’d clung to whoever was closest. She’d latched on to him, and he’d let her because he’d been grieving, too. And when he hadn’t grieved like she wanted, like she’d thought she needed, she’d gone back to her family and friends that weren’t his to cling to.
The fact that she was here now told him she was at wits’ end. Like him, she was so damn lost when it came to not having their daughter in their lives anymore that she was back, trying to find a shred of who they were before the world had crashed down around them.
Only he wasn’t that man anymore. Never would be again.
“You need to go home, Candice. Go to your parents’ house. Find solace there because you’re not going to find it here. You didn’t before, and I’m not going to help you find it with me now. I can barely breathe without thinking of Cynthia. I can’t do this with you here. I’ll end up doing everything in my power to make sure you’re taken care of, but in the end, you’ll never be fully okay. I won’t either, and I don’t think we should be a hundred percent. Not anymore. We don’t have that right. You need to go. You can’t grieve here because you won’t let me grieve the way I need to. Yeah, that makes me a bastard, but for once, I’m going to try and take care of myself.”
He paused as she closed her eyes.
“And if I thought for once being together as we reach the anniversary would help, I might change my mind. But you don’t want me, Candice. You haven’t for years. You don’t want me by your side because we aren’t the people we once were, and it’s not healthy to even try. So go home and stay there. We lost our baby, lost our daughter, and she’s never coming back. But you being here isn’t going to help, isn’t going to bring Cynthia home. So go.”
She pulled away from him and wiped her face. This time, when her face reddened again, it wasn’t from tears but from embarrassment. And maybe a little anger.