I groaned into the blanket when I pictured myself lying there. Cold on the concrete. Unmoving. “I don’t want to die.” The words stumbled out of my mouth as quickly as I’d thought them, but there was no one to hear them but me, as usual. Always alone.
The enormity of what could have happened came crashing down around me like a ton of bricks, rocking my world on its axis. Everything I thought I had figured out no longer made any sense. In that one moment, I knew everything could be ripped from you in the blink of an eye. Your life—over.
Life.
I needed mine back. Needed what was taken from me all those years ago when I was still just a kid.
And I needed him—Blake.
I’d fought it tooth and nail. Fought it with everything I had. But he was it. I needed to live before my time on this earth was ripped out from under me as well. Enjoy what was important and pay attention to the fact I was still alive.
It was time to take Blake’s advice. No regrets. I wanted to love the things I loved again. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to do this life and not look back and I didn’t want to die without ever really living.
Through my veil of tears, I watched the cloudiness that hazed my mind flake away into particles in the air. What stood behind it was the most adoring and understanding face I’d ever seen staring at me.
Waiting.
Always waiting.
A smile spread across my face while water still streamed from my eyes.
Live. I’m going to live.
The air was so foggy, I thought I must have been walking through a cloud, but I couldn’t walk quickly enough. My brain was whirling so swiftly, my feet scrambled to keep up. Night came fast and my body was physically and emotionally drained, but something stronger drove me, propelling me forward. I seemed to be functioning on overdrive.
Just a little further.
With a frantic smile, I waved to the doorman as I ran past. I jammed my finger on the elevator button five times as if that would make it come quicker. My legs were restless while I stared at those metal slats, waiting for them to part—up to the illuminated numbers—back to the slats.
Fuck this.
Unable to stand the jitters any longer, I veered to the left and slammed the door open, taking the steps two at a time. Short of breath, I reached my destination, and pounded my fist against the door in a frantic rhythm.
Be home. Be home. Be home.
A minute later, the last barrier swung open, and there he stood in all his gloriousness. His eyebrows pulled together as he looked me over, propping the door open with his leg. “Angel? Everything okay?”
I couldn’t speak. I remained in Blake’s entryway, chest heaving, trying to calm my heart as my eyes raked his entire body. His muscles bulged from beneath my favorite black V-neck and he was wearing faded jeans, tattered in all the right places. I bit my lip as my gaze fell to his bare, sexy-as-hell feet, and I was done for.
My eyes darted back up to meet his, and I placed my hand to the center of his chest, moving him inside his cushy apartment.
Backing up slowly, the confusion on his face was adorable. “What’s going on?”
I pushed him down on the brown leather couch and sat on his lap.
His frown deepened. “Angel? You’re freaking me out. Say something, please?”
“Today was crazy, right?” I huffed out.
“Yes . . .” he drew out the word as if he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I hated that I always had him so on edge.
“It just got me thinking, ya know? How quickly it can all be over.” I looked up into his gorgeous blue irises and felt myself sink into them, getting lost. I continued before I lost the nerve. “I don’t want to die.”
“Hey, what’s that talk?” He sat up straighter, his eyebrows pulling in.
“It could’ve just as easily been me, Blake. And I don’t want to die.” Panic rose in my voice with every octave.
His expression softened, and he smoothed a tuft of hair behind my ear. “Stop that. You can’t think like this. What happened to Sandra was a freak accident. There’s no controlling things like that, sweetheart. But you’re not going anywhere, any time soon.”
My eyes welled up as I took a deep breath. “Okay,” I stated simply.
“Huh? What’s okay? What’d I miss?” His eyebrows knitted together.
I reached one finger up to the space in between them to smooth away the creases. Shifting, I sat up a little straighter and looked at him with determination. “Okay, okay.”
All the confusion slowly faded from his features, the taut, drawn-in lines relaxing as his eyes searched mine. He looked scared to death. Scared to let himself believe I was actually saying the words. Scared of the let down if I wasn’t. He took my face between his hands. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”
“Yes.” I nodded. “I don’t want to fight it anymore. I don’t have the strength to deny it—to deny us anymore.” I lowered my voice and looked down in my lap, fidgeting with my fingers. “Just . . . be careful with me. Please. All I’ve ever known of this is pain.” I gulped before I added, “Make me forget.”