“Take your pick, really.” He paces the carpet, feet wearing a hole in the small space. “My grandmother, my uncle… my mother.” His motion halts and his eyes lock on mine, empty and lost. “It’s genetic, Ember, and there’s a very high chance I’m going to end up the same way. Julian, he got tested already, but I never did. And now… I don’t know if I can handle it.”
“I understand.” I step closer, needing to be near him. “You have to get tested, though, Vance. I’m su—”
“I already have symptoms.”
“Oh, Vance.” I don’t know anything about this disease but I do know something about fear. I recognize it in his slumped posture, the quiver of his chin, the utter defeat in his gaze. The chill running through my veins. Everything hits me at once and I move to wrap my arms around him like a shield, wanting to protect him from everything bad.
“I… had some tests done and they called to let me know I need to come in to discuss the results, but….” His arms settle around me and he squeezes so hard I can barely breathe. “I’m really scared.”
I pull back enough to see his face, bringing my hands up to cradle his jaw. “I know, but Vance, you need to get those results. Knowing has to be better than living in fear, doesn’t it?”
He sucks in a breath and closes his eyes as if it hurts too much to look at me. Pressing his forehead to mine, he whispers, “I’m even more afraid now that I met you, now that I know I have something to lose. I couldn’t bear it if I broke your heart like that, or if I could no longer remember you….” His words fade as he retreats to a place that is difficult to reach. But I refuse to give up.
“I… I already told you how hard it was for me after my brother died. What I didn’t say was that everyone kept telling me what to feel, how I should feel. But then… you came along. You stood back and allowed me to feel. You gave me room to breathe. And you reminded me of who I am. It was so subtle I almost didn’t realize it was happening. And my brother,” I smile, “he… taught me about life. Every time he jumped off a cliff or skied off the tallest mountain he took a risk. Because to him, that’s what life was all about. I care about you, Vance, and I know you care about me, too. Isn’t that worth the risk?”
His eyes snap open and he tilts his head back with fierce determination. “I’m not willing to risk your heart.”
“Damn it, Vance.” An unexpected passion sweeps over me, making me fight for what I want. “You don’t get to decide what happens with my heart. It’s my heart, my decision. I’m a big girl and I can take care of myself. Besides, you can’t break my heart,” my voice quivers, “it cracked two years ago.” I smother any fear of being this bold and say the truest words I’ve ever spoken. “I want this. I want you here. I want you in my life. I want… I want you to touch me. You’re the only person I want to touch me.”
“God, Ember.” He breathes hard against my cheek. “I want to… how I want to—”
“But you won’t.”
“No.” He closes his eyes on another breath as if trying to gain resolve. A few seconds pass and his gaze is back on mine, forcing me to stare into those tormented eyes. “You have to understand. If I touch you, there won’t be any going back for me. Tonight, I… I finally saw the devastation in my father, and it made me realize how selfish I’ve been. I won’t do that to you.” His hand lifts but then drops away from my face, the lines around his eyes creased with pain. “I have to go,” he whispers, and I bow my head, quietly willing the tears not to fall.
When he reaches the door, he stands there, both of us silent for what feels like forever. I lift my chin as he raises his eyes to mine, and what I find there hurts my heart. I want to beg him to stay, to try to convince him that he could be wrong about everything. But the words don’t come.
I watch with eyes that can no longer hold back tears as his fingers curl around the knob, hesitating. His internal struggle showing in the white of his knuckles, the rise of his chest. In the end, we both lose, because he twists the knob and walks out the door.
My limbs are numb, prickly, as if my whole body has fallen asleep. Part of me wants to collapse to the carpet and the other part wants to run after him. But I’m not the kind of girl to chase after a guy, no matter how badly I want this particular one. And this disease. I’m terrified for him. I have no idea what this means for his future but I do know that we’re stronger together than apart. How can he not see that? He’s so concerned about hurting me later that he doesn’t see how much he’s hurting me now. Still, I don’t know how to save him from this. That all-too-familiar feeling of helplessness creeps over me, circling, making sure I know it’s still there. Apparently I’m not very good at saving people. That’s why when the door clicks shut, I fall to my knees and let the tears flow.