I lean over the table and my fingers curl into the smooth clay, cool to the touch. As I sink my nails deep, I exhale, my feelings already beginning to leave their imprint. Somehow as I pinch and poke this incredible substance, it silences me, allowing me to exist in another world—one where my brother is still by my side.
My fingers continue to find purchase, molding and shaping, and the piece begins to take form. The music is everywhere and it overwhelms me, pounding in my ears, but still unable to block out the intensity of my own heartbeat.
Both hands start to shake. Grief comes out of nowhere and tramples my cheeks. I close my eyes, my vision too blurry to enable me to see. Pretty soon, the tremble in my hands won’t allow me to sculpt. I collapse onto the chair, putting my head down between my folded arms.
“Em?”
A hand on my shoulder makes me lift my head, but not before I pat my cheeks and not so gracefully wipe my runny nose.
“Oh, Em.” Avery pulls up a seat beside me and draws me in for a hug. She strokes her hand up and down my back, whispering calming words that get lost amidst the noise in my brain.
A few minutes pass before she lets me go but gathers both my hands in hers. Her eyes radiate her love for me and some of her own grief.
“I miss him so much. I can hardly stand it sometimes.” My breath gives way to a tiny hiccup. “I want him to mess up my hair in the morning again, or hear him singing at the top of his lungs in the shower. I….” Salt trails over my mouth and I lick the corner of my lips. “I want to look out the window and see him and Dad playing basketball together.”
“I know, Em. I miss him, too.” She tucks a wayward strand of hair behind my ear. “I also know it’s been harder for you because you guys were so close, while he and I… well, we just weren’t. I don’t know, we always seemed to rub each other the wrong way. Plus, I…,” she stares down at the floor, “I wanted that with you. That connection the two of you had.” Her gaze climbs to mine. “There were times when I felt like an outsider, when all I wanted was to be on the inside. But… I did love him. I really did.” She tries to shrug it off, as always, but I won’t have it.
“Oh, Avery. I wish you had told me sooner. And I’m sorry you felt that way. But you have to know he loved you, very much.” I put all my energy into a smile that I hope will comfort her. “And I love you very much.”
She nods her head. That rare display of emotion fading away with her stoic expression, and I find it difficult to say anything else. She gestures with her chin toward my slab of clay. “What was that going to be?”
I lift my shoulders in a shrug. “I have no idea. I’ve lost my mojo.”
A mischievous sparkle lights her eyes. “I know a way you can get it back. Let’s do some baking. We’ll go shopping and get some ice cream and ingredients to make chocolate chip cookies. Dad is taking Mom out for a while so it’ll just be us for dinner anyway.”
“Because she had a hard day.” I sigh. “I’m worried about her, Ave. She’s still so upset and I know she tries to keep herself busy to get through it.” I tug at the corner of my lip. “You know how difficult graduation was for her, and now this. Do you think we should wait longer before we move to New York? I don’t know.” I let out another anxious breath. “Maybe we can suggest she start going to her group again?”
“I hear what you’re saying, Em. I do. But….” She places her hand on top of mine, attempting to reassure me with a soft smile. “I don’t think us staying longer is going to help her. We’ve done that and I think for all of our sakes we need to go. She’ll find her way just like we need to find ours.” I nod, though her words don’t comfort me. She bobs her head from side to side and perks up. “So whaddya say? Shall we shop? Actually, let me rephrase that.” Pushing her chair back, she pulls me to my feet. “I’m not giving you a choice. We’re going.”
I heave out my exhaustion with another sigh. “I’m kind of tired, Ave.”
“No rest for the wicked.” Avery tugs on my arm giving me no choice but to follow her. Especially when she adds, “I’ll throw in a box of Bubble Gum Cigarettes if you don’t fight me.”
She doesn’t play fair.
JULIAN PUSHES THE cart down the aisle as I toss in random shit—Cocoa Puffs, Lucky Charms, microwaveable brownies. From the way he glares at me, apparently he’s met his limit. “No, no, and no. He reaches in and pulls out the brownies and the Lucky Charms. “Microwaveable brownies, Vance? Seriously? And Lucky Charms? All sugar.”
“And the problem is?”
“I’m not eating that crap. That’s the problem.” He turns around and grabs a box of Special K cereal from the shelf.
“And I’m not eating that crap.” I brush past him to nab a box of Frosted Flakes. Holding it up with my brightest smile, I ask him. “Better?”
Julian chuckles, but it’s nothing short of sarcastic. “Whatever, Vance. How about you go grab some olive oil so I can sauté some chicken tonight?”
My jaw tightens and I pop the knuckles on my fist. “Where’s Dad? Did he go see… Mom?”
“No.” He throws three boxes of plain corn flakes into the cart and I cringe. “Dad’s got a lot on his plate right now with the promotion. He has to work late this week.”