It’s hard to take your own life, but it’s relatively easy to allow someone else the privilege.
“Dad,” I said, pushing against his chest, lifting my eyes to his, and my fear became my reality. His eyes were his truth. There was nothing he wouldn’t do to save Blackie and Reina, and if that meant his life or theirs, he’d most definitely choose theirs.
“I see that look in your eye and it scares me, scares me more than any man charging into my house, more so than Blackie telling me I need to hide in a closet because they’re coming for me.”
I took a breath, biting down on my lip as the memory of Blackie kissing me washed over me. I wonder if I will always think of that kiss when I think of Blackie instructing me to shoot anyone who messes with me.
I do that…associate things with poignant moments in my life.
“They say we associate things with our childhood; scents, songs, even toys. They’re supposed to help us remember when our minds grow old with age and we are trying to hang onto our youth. I saw that look in your eyes my entire childhood and I’ll never forget it. I hate that look because it’s a reminder that for the last thirteen years, since Jack died, you didn’t want to be here anymore. I remember looking into your eyes and wondering if that day was the day you wouldn’t come back, to me, if you’d lose the struggle and end up with Jack.”
I stopped for a moment, studying his features, wondering if anything I was saying would stick with him.
“You always came back,” I smiled sadly, knowing he came back because he didn’t find the will in him not too. “I told myself it was because you realized I was still here and I still needed you, that you knew how much I loved you and how it would break my heart if I lost you,” I cried, wishing for it to be true.
“Lacey…” he interrupted but his sentence fell short, his mind was working him over taking him some place dark. Some place I was fighting not to go.
“Dad?” I said, trying to bring him back to me. “I know you miss Jack, but I’m still here,” I whispered. “And I need my dad. I’ll always need you so please promise me you’ll come back to me.”
Just bring him back with you.
“I love you, Lace,” he whispered, pressing his lips to my forehead before bringing me back against him, his strong arms enveloping me. “And I promise you a pack of wild horses couldn’t stop me from coming back to you. We’ll make good memories, I swear it.”
I closed my eyes, relished in his words and fought back the voice telling me they were a lie, choosing to hang on to his promise with everything inside of me…even my mind.
The door opened behind me and my club members walked inside.
“Bulldog,” Pipe called, signaling it was time for them to leave again.
“Yeah— “my dad said, dropping a kiss on top of my head. “Dry those eyes, your old man will be back,” he whispered.
Nikki stepped back into the clubhouse, spritzing herself with body spray to cover the scent of cigarettes and walked over to me. She ran her fingers over her hair as she looked knowingly at my dad.
“Come on, let’s see about dying these locks,” she offered.
I’m not sure if she befriended me out of gratitude towards my father or if she genuinely understood my fears. Maybe it was both.
“Thank you,” he said hoarsely.
“Thanks for the stogie,” she replied, grabbing my hands and leading me away. I glanced over my shoulder and watched as Riggs handed my father a bullet-proof vest. He strapped it on over his clothes before walking over to the reaper painted on the wall, laying one hand on the logo that signified the club before bowing his head.
Most people prayed to God but my father prayed to reaper on his back.
Jack Parrish.
My father.
The disciple of the devil.
I’m dancing and I don’t dance. I’m smiling and I don’t smile. I am changed even though I’ve given up on change.
You in the moonlight with your sleepy eyes
Could you ever love a man like me
But that time I saw you I knew with you to light my nights
Somehow I'd get by
Chapter Ten
I knew he was there before I felt the dip in the mattress and his strong arms wrap around my body, tugging me against him. I could smell his cologne the minute he walked through the door but I remained on my side with my back facing him. I was too afraid to turn and meet his eyes, too scared he’d look right through me—like I didn’t exist or worse send me away. He leaned into my ear pushing away my hair with the tip of his nose before his lips trailed down my neck and pressing his lips against my shoulder.