I’m filled with pride and love to the point of tearing right in half when I see how the audience’s demeanor has changed. Nearly every single member is sitting upright, focusing their rapt attention on the stage, captivated by the energy and the uniqueness of Dallas and Gavin.
And as happy as I am for them, not being a part of it feels like having an appendage ripped brutally from my body. The hollow ache in my chest is so acute, I half expect to see a gaping bloody wound where my heart should be.
My gaze lands on Gavin, and the sight of him playing his heart out, completely focused and in the moment, leaves me gasping for breath. Now that I’ve allowed myself to look at him, I couldn’t tear my gaze away from him for all the money in the world. My heart pounds out a rhythm identical to the one he’s playing. It doesn’t even seem possible, but somehow, getting to really watch him like this, I am falling even more in love with him. Surrounded by a room full of strangers, I am lost in the memory of him making love to me, my senses re-creating our night together in gloriously vivid details.
He is alive out there, behind his drum kit, the man behind the beat. He’s the heart of the band, beating steadily, needing this to survive. I silently shame myself for daring to do anything that could take this away from him.
Dallas sings the last few lyrics a cappella and I feel them all the way down to my soul. I see us, as kids, the three of us so lost and yet somehow not alone because we held each other together—the bonds we formed became our home, our safe place.
When they finish, there is applause, but I’m not a part of it. My hands are otherwise occupied, one over my mouth to keep me from screaming wildly for them and the other over my heart because it’s so completely broken.
I reach in my bag to grab my phone so that I can snap a quick picture of them onstage, something I normally can’t do since I’m up there with them. Ignoring my notifications, but noticing that there are several I need to check later, I take a picture of them as Dallas tells the crowd good night. I’m about to head backstage to tell them how amazing they were, when a hand lands unexpectedly on my lower back.
“That was great, but it would’ve been better had you been up there with them.” The voice in my ear belongs to the owner of the hand. It’s male and low and far more intimate than the moment warrants.
I turn to see Brian Eades giving me a sympathetic smile.
“Yeah, um, I wasn’t feeling well. Decided to sit this one out.” I try to step out of his reach but he walks with me toward the stage.
“Their loss,” he says, winking as if we share a secret.
“Nah. They did great without me.” My lips attempt a grin but only half my heart is in it.
“Hey, Bluebird. You ready?”
Tingles explode across my skin the moment I see the fierce glint in Gavin’s eyes. He’s pissing on me a little, marking his territory in a way he shouldn’t, but I can’t even muster up any fake feelings about being offended. I give Brian a parting smile and make my way to Gavin.
My brother is standing farther away from us but not out of my line of sight. He’s shaking hands with the man Mandy introduced us to along with Brian.
I follow Gavin outside, feeling much more at ease when I can feel his warmth.
The driver steps out but I wave him off because I just need some fresh air right now.
“I know what you did back there, and I saw your face when we were done.”
I don’t respond. There’s no use in lying and I don’t have the words to explain what it felt like sitting there watching them perform without me.
“I don’t care what anyone says. You aren’t sitting out ever again.”
My chest heaves noticeably either from my pounding heart or the effort it takes to breath over the pain threatening to surface.
“Damn it, Dixie. Say something. I saw you. What that did to you. Look at me.”
My eyes move upward to meet his gaze. “Y-you did wonderful. Both of you. The encore was amazing.”
“The encore was fucking wrong.”
I shake my head. “It wasn’t. The two of you were electric up there. You had the entire room captivated.”