“Stop. Just stop.” I move to stand between them. “It was nothing. I got my feelings hurt and I really don’t feel well. I’m going to sit the encore out, D. You do your thing and if anyone is interested in us, we’ll discuss whether or not I still need to be a part of this band. Maybe I’ll be your opener when you’re on your worldwide tour.” I nudge my brother in hopes of softening him before he and Gavin come to blows.
His gaze lowers to mine and he shakes his head, continuing as if I haven’t spoken. “You’re a part of this band, Dixie Leigh. You always have been and you always will be. And it’s time for us to go on. So let’s go.”
Gavin is flicking his lighter at his side and I know it means he needs to channel his angry energy, needs to pound out his frustration on his drums instead of on my brother’s face. I’m holding them up—holding them back.
“I’m serious, Dallas. Let’s not make this some big, dramatic thing. It’s one song. Go. I’ll be cheering y’all on in the audience.” I nod encouragingly, trying to convey to my brother that I’m really okay. And I am. Mostly. The truth is, even though sitting out the encore causes my chest to ache as if it’s been hollowed out like a woodwind instrument, I need to know. I need them to do the encore without me. If this is their big break, I can’t stand the thought of being what keeps them from getting discovered. So I’m going to step aside and give them a shot to do this on their own.
“Guys? It’s time.” Mandy’s head pokes out of the metal door and she waves a hurried hand at us. “Let’s go.”
“Dixie?” My brother looks wounded, as if I’m hurting him instead of helping him.
“Go, Dallas. I promise, I’m okay. I think I let my dinner sit too long and it just isn’t settling well. Y’all go ahead.”
His eyes narrow as he takes in what I know is probably my less than stellar appearance. I’m not being entirely honest, but Mandy’s words did make me feel ill.
Watching the uneasy acceptance of my decision in Dallas’s eyes causes my mind to drift back in time to when I was eleven and Dallas and Gavin were going climbing at a quarry outside of town. There was a man-made lake and they planned to climb the highest cliff and jump. I was terrified—heights were never really my thing either. But I went along to make sure neither of them broke their neck. In the end, they both jumped, fist pumping and acting like they’d conquered the world afterward. I’d sat on the sidelines, rolling my eyes and acting as if I weren’t impressed even though I was. Just as I was about to tell Dallas I was going to jump after all, having finally worked up the courage, the boys announced that they were ready to go home and that was that. We left, my moment had passed. And just like back then, it passes again.
“Gavin?” My brother asks with a slight tilt of his head, having moved on from scrutinizing me. “We doing this or what?”
Gavin pauses beside me. “I need a minute.” My brother hits him with a hard look of disapproval. “I said I need a minute,” he says through gritted teeth.
His words form a fist that grips my heart and squeezes it tightly.
Once Dallas has left, shaking his head and muttering curses under his breath, Gavin turns to me.
“Why are you doing this? Is it really because of what that manipulative bitch said or because of me? Because of us?”
“Can there really ever be an us, Gavin? Kind of sounded like you and my brother have already decided against it. Guess I didn’t get a vote.”
Regret and sorrow are etched into his features when I reach up to smooth them. He says nothing, but I can see it. Being with me is a betrayal of my brother. I don’t know why exactly, I just know that it is. I can’t ask that of either of them, but I can’t deny my feelings anymore, either. I can’t keep doing this with them, being a ticking time bomb waiting to explode all over their dreams and destroying their future.