I’m not sure if she’s joking: I’m playing with my hair again but catch myself this time. It’s the type of thing that annoys me when other people do it, so I stop. There’s a bump from upstairs – Jason, presumably – and we both stop for a moment.
‘I hope Tyler’s safe,’ I reply. ‘I honestly do… but I kind of wish he was with another girl. Something like that. It’ll turn out he’s got someone else pregnant and she’s busy having the kid. Something big that will make Liv walk away.’
I realise what I’ve said but it’s already too late. More children talk.
Ellie doesn’t seem to mind this time. She’s back to the puzzle. ‘You got work tomorrow?’
It’s a tactful – and timely – change of subject. I tell her I do and then we’re uncharacteristically silent for a minute or two. I slot a piece into the puzzle and then accidentally knock another onto the floor, before retrieving it.
‘Can I tell you something?’ I say. It’s me who’s fumbling this time.
Ellie looks up from the table and we lock eyes for a moment. ‘Of course.’
I take a breath and can’t keep the eye contact. There’s so much I could tell her. So much I want to tell her.
‘I lied to the police.’
The words hang between us like a knife on a rope swinging back and forth. Something dangerous that could go either way. I can’t believe I’ve said it.
‘Not lied,’ I say. ‘I didn’t tell them something. Kept it back. I don’t know if that’s lying.’
‘About what?’
‘They were asking about Tyler, about how we argued over his lack of job and Olivia’s money. They asked where I’d been since Saturday. I told them I was in a hotel on Monday night, it’s just…’
I tail off, wishing I’d said nothing. It’s too late now, of course. Ellie edges forward a minuscule amount, hanging on my words.
The memory wasn’t clear at first. In the aftermath of waking up in that field, everything was blurred and hazy. It’s not soap opera amnesia in that I’ve suddenly remembered everything I’d forgotten, but the pictures have sharpened and smoothed.
‘I was with another man,’ I say.
Nothing happens for a moment. It feels real now I’ve said it out loud. I’ve sort of known it since waking up in that field – but knowing and admitting it to myself are two different things.
When it comes to separation, to Dan’s possible infidelity – which is based on nothing other than the way he looked at Alice – I’ve been able to take a high ground. But after the night in the hotel, there’s a part of me, perhaps a big part, that wonders if I’m the bad person here. Perhaps it’s not a fifty-fifty thing in that Dan and I were never matched. Perhaps he’s a perfectly loving husband and father – and it’s me who’s destroyed everything. That’s who I am and what I do.
‘Wow,’ Ellie says.
‘Maybe not with another man,’ I add quickly. ‘Not like that. I don’t remember everything… I remember bits…’
Ellie takes a second or two to reply, picking her words. ‘Does Dan know?’
‘No.’ I pause and glance towards the hall, wondering if I heard a creak from the stairs. ‘I’m not sure Dan would care.’
‘So what have you done wrong?’
‘It’s not much of an example for Liv, is it? We’re separating and trying to do it amicably. Irreconcilable differences is one thing; adultery is something else entirely.’
Ellie has a gulp of tea and then clanks the mug back onto the table. She walks around me very deliberately and pulls the kitchen door closed with a quiet click. Perhaps the creak from the stair wasn’t in my imagination.
‘How did it happen?’ she asks.
I don’t want to talk about it – but can hardly back away now.
‘I was at the hotel to meet a client but he didn’t show up. He texted to say he was running late and then that he couldn’t make it at all. I was waiting in the bar. One drink became two and then I got talking to this guy. He bought me another drink and then I insisted on buying him one. One thing led to another and then we went upstairs…’
Ellie is silent for a moment but then she reaches across the table and grips my hand. The veins in her fingers are a vibrant blue but the skin is smooth. An accountant, not a builder.
‘Did the police ask if you were alone in the hotel?’
‘No.’
‘So you didn’t lie. You’re clear with them – and, for Dan, you’re separating. The only reason you’re still living together is because it’s taken time for him to find a flat. If it wasn’t for that, you’d be apart anyway. If he meets someone else – or you do – then that’s fine.’
It sounds logical and reasonable. It is a matter of timing. If Dan had found a flat more quickly, we would be living apart already. We’ve not discussed precisely what the separation means, although there’s an understanding that it’s a prelude to divorce. Neither of us believe we’ll spend a month apart and suddenly fall for each other all over again. So, with that, why would either of us have a problem with the other having a relationship with someone else? Living together now is about timing and the divorce will be paperwork. Emotionally, we’re already separate.
The problem is that this is about more than that. It all is. I woke up in a field in a car drenched with blood. I have no idea if that’s connected to the man at the hotel, or, indeed, what happened after we went up to my room.
I want to tell Ellie this as well – except I can’t. It feels like a secret only for me.
There’s no chance to elaborate anyway because my phone starts ringing. Olivia’s name flashes – which is unusual because she rarely calls. It’s all texts, emojis and acronyms I don’t understand. I have to google them to figure out what it all means.
‘Hi,’ I say.
Olivia’s voice quivers as she replies.
‘I need you,’ she says. ‘I need you now.’
Chapter Thirty
Olivia is pacing the living room when I get home. As I enter, she thrusts her phone into my hand with an imploring, ‘Look!’
She’s showing me the Find Tyler Facebook page but the font is too small for me to make out much.
When I tell her this, she jabs the screen. ‘The picture!’
I squint at a grainy image that looks like one of the dodgy CCTV images police put out all the time. It’s been zoomed to such a degree that most of the definition has gone.
‘It’s Tyler,’ she says.
I twist the phone to view the image diagonally. It is definitely a person. Whoever it is has longish, shaggy hair and is wearing dark clothes. He might have a goatee – but it could be a scarf. I’m not even sure it’s a ‘he’. The goatee might be a shadow.
‘It’s from an hour ago,’ Olivia says. ‘Someone uploaded it onto the Find Tyler page. He’s in Bashington.’
I move the phone further away and then closer, trying to see what Olivia’s seeing.
‘Is this the only photo?’ I ask.
‘One’s enough. It’s him. The poster said they saw him at that statue thing in the town centre.’
I look at the name of the person who uploaded the photo – Sam Jones – but it means nothing to me. Olivia doesn’t know him or her, either. The profile photo is of a tree.
‘Can you drive me?’ Olivia asks. ‘We’ve gotta go now or he’ll be gone.’
‘It’s getting on for eleven.’
‘Exactly – that’s why we’ve got to go now. If he’s sleeping rough, he’ll be bedding down.’
‘What did your father say?’
Olivia is a bundle of frustrated energy. She tugs at her short hair and strides across the room and back again. ‘He has to be up early…’
That means he said no.
I tell her I’ll drive her to Bashington and know deep down exactly why. The photo could be of anyone and I’m not convinced we’ll find Tyler there, so it isn’t for that. Part of it is because I know Liv will worry all night otherwise. She might even try to make her own way there. The biggest reason is that Dan said no. I don’t know if he has been trying to make me doubt myself and I don’t know why he has a stun gun in his locker – but I do know this is me getting one over on him with our daughter.