“Oh, right. Well, actually—”
“But then my cousin saw her with that other girl, so I figured, you know.” Yes, I do. “Then Elaine told me tonight that you might—this is so seventh grade, but she said that you said you’d kiss me back if I kissed you.”
Leave it to Elaine. “I’m going to kill her.”
“Don’t be mad at her. I was kinda hoping to, anyway. And besides, you kissed me, so I think it all turned out pretty well.” No, it didn’t turn out well at all. And now he’s gazing at me with such open adoration that I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. I can’t talk to him. I can’t look at him. I can’t hurt him when he’s looking at me like that. So—and I know this makes me a terrible, terrible person—in a sort of wild desperation, I kiss him again.
30
10:10 P.M. GROUP TEXT: REGGIE, ELAINE, ME.
Thom asked me to go to the movies tomorrow!
Can u come too?
Pls pls pls?
Yay Reg!
What time? Can Jimmy come too?
Did he kiss u?
No! Jeez
I wish, tho, lol
Lol, I’ll ask my parents.
Should be OK tho
Sana, can you come?
T says Caleb will be there.
Maybe. Hafta check Did Caleb kiss u??
He was totally into u!
Elaine, did u tell him what I said about if he kissed me, I’d kiss him back?
No!
He said u did
Elaine!!!
Oh
Yeah I might have said something Sorry.
So . . . ?????
OMG ttyl
10:15 p.m. Caleb and me:
Hey, doll (haha)
I had fun tonite
Yeah, me too
Wanna go see a movie tomorrow w Thom and Reggie?
1:30 at AMC Mercado
Reggie said she’d drive you Thom and I can meet you there Um lemme check
Parents in bed, I’ll have to tyt I hope u can come
I really had fun w you tonight This is me:
Just sayin
Hey, I’m pretty tired.
I think I’m just gonna go to sleep OK fine, I can take a hint I’ll just shut up now
Night
Night
10:30 p.m. Elaine and me:
Hey, Jimmy, Janet, etc. are coming U have to come too!
Caleb will be there!
xoxoxo
Idk
Don’t u like him?
He is TOTES into u
U should go
I know, just . . .
Thinking about Jamie You know?
She basically broke up w u, right?
She went out with that slutty chick from Palo Alto and she didn’t text u back all night You should be w someone who appreciates you Like Caleb (hint, hint)
I know . . .
11:30 p.m. Jamie and me:
Hey, u awake?
Hey
Yeah
Can u talk?
No, not really
K. Just wanted to say hi Can’t believe that bs that Kelsey pulled with her parents. Didn’t want you to worry, I know I didn’t txt you all night. Anyway, it’s 100% over. Talk tomorrow, K?
K
I have to babysit tomorrow, but wanna try to get together Sunday?
Um . . . yes!
ok ttyt
31
I WAKE UP TO A TEXT FROM JAMIE:
Good morning, gf. Lemme know when u can talk. I want to tell u about last night
I text back, Let’s talk about it tomorrow. I want to hear it in person. Because if we start talking about what happened with Kelsey last night, she’s bound to eventually ask how bowling was, and what would I say? “I’m so glad that you ended things with Kelsey, and I’m so glad we’re still together, and oh, by the way, I cheated on you last night and kissed Caleb. Twice.” Yeah . . . no.
Of course, now that I’ve put that awkward conversation off till tomorrow, I’m dreading tomorrow more than I’ve ever dreaded anything in my life. Part of me is even hoping I can get away without telling her at all. I mean, why upset her, now that I know everything’s okay between us? What if I manage to end things with Caleb before then. Is it okay to pretend it never happened?
Seconds after I send that text to Jamie, Caleb texts to ask me again about the movies, and then Elaine and Reggie join in and beg me to go, too. It doesn’t take long for me to cave. I have nothing else to do except for sit around the house and feel guilty. Maybe I’ll get a chance to hit reset with Caleb.
Reggie, Elaine, and I are meeting the others at the AMC Mercado complex at twelve thirty for pizza, Jamba Juice, and a movie. We arrive first, and sit down to wait for everyone on a bench outside Jamba Juice. Elaine is atwitter with plans for future triple dates, what with all the boyfriend-girlfriend action going on, but for obvious reasons, I can’t share her enthusiasm. Reggie’s anxious, too, for other reasons. “I’m not actually going out with Thom yet,” she protests. “Don’t jinx it!”
“Oh, fine, whatever.” Elaine turns to me. “Okay, Sana, your turn for girl talk. What happened with you and Caleb after bowling last night?”
I don’t mind girl talk with Elaine, as long as I’m not doing the talking. Why would I share the intimate romantic details of my relationships with anyone? Especially when those details are things I wish I could take back. At best, it’ll make them pressure me to break up with Jamie. At worst, they’ll think I’m a horrible, slutty lesbian—or bisexual—which, who knows, maybe I am. Bi, that is, not slutty. (Though to be perfectly honest, I think I’m pretty firmly pro-girl. And just because I sort of accidentally on purpose kissed a very nice boy when I was upset about a perfect-for-me girl doesn’t make me a slut, does it? That doesn’t seem right.) Agh, too much. Brain about to explode.
Elaine is fidgeting impatiently and going, “Well? What happened? Come on, spill it!”
I’m not about to open my mouth and unleash the chaos in my head, so I track back to my original thought and say, “That’s none of your business.”
“He kissed you!” she shrieks. “He totally did! Oh, Sana, I’m so happy for you!”
You’d think I’d be smart enough to know that none of your business is just another way of saying guilty as charged. You’d be wrong.
“So, was I right? Is he a good kisser? Was it like sooo much better than that other guy? Are you two like, a thing now?”
Elaine’s enthusiasm about my mistake pushes me right over the edge, and I snap, “God, Elaine, why do you have to be so nosy? Just shut up and leave me alone!” She looks so hurt that I immediately feel bad. After all, it’s not her fault that I’m a cheater and a hypocrite. “I’m sorry,” I say. “It’s just, stuff is kind of complicated because . . . you know. I mean . . .”
“Ohhh, Jamie.” Elaine nods, immediately subdued and sympathetic. “Yeah, okay. I’m sorry. Are you gonna wait ’til you break up with her?”
I look at Elaine, who’s trying so hard to be on my side, however misguidedly, and suddenly I’m seized by the notion that if I can just get up the nerve to tell Elaine and Reggie what I did, maybe they can help me out of this mess. Of course. Now. Now is when I confess.
“Uh, yeah. Speaking of which . . .”
“Hang on a sec.” Elaine looks at her phone, which has just chirped, and announces, “Jimmy’s here! They just parked, and they’re walking over. . . .” She cranes her neck and starts peering across the parking lot.