“No. I mean, well, not really. Kind of.” She pushes her hands through her hair. “She kissed me and I guess I kinda let her.” I lean against my bed and hug myself so I don’t split in half. “I should explain.” What can I do but let her?
“So when Kelsey and I got together last summer, it was. I don’t know. My first time with a girl, and I guess it was pretty intense because we were at camp. Like, we got to sleep in the same room like, every . . .” She trails off, thank goodness. Though I can’t tell if it’s because she’s suddenly realized how shitty it is for me to have to hear this, or if she’s just lost in the memory of all those hot summer nights she and Kelsey spent in the same room. I pull my knees up to my chest. Grit my teeth. Try to decide whether I should beg her to stay or yell at her to get out. “And I dunno, she was fun and pretty and it turns out her parents have like a boatload of money, so we got to do fun things on the weekends like go sailing—I mean, like, she has her own freaking horse—and I guess I kinda got caught up in all of that.”
Nice. I lost Trish to a rich white boy with a Mustang, and now I’m losing Jamie to a rich white girl with an actual horse.
“And then it was weird because we didn’t actually—she just kinda left the whole thing as, we’d keep in touch, right?”
“You never broke up?” Worse and worse.
“No, but we were never even together, really. I mean, I thought we were, but Kelsey basically dropped me as soon as camp ended, so. That kinda blindsided me. I told you how I lost it. Christina says I shoulda seen it coming. She said she never trusted Kelsey. She was not pleased to see her at the meet, believe me.” At least Christina’s an equal opportunity hater. “So, Kelsey came up and said she wanted to hang out after the meet, right? Like no big deal, just friends. And then she said she wanted to get back together, and then she kissed me, and that’s probably what people saw.”
“But you kissed her back.”
Jamie sighs. “I kissed her back for like, . . . I dunno, a second. But then I stopped. Your friends probably didn’t see that part. Or else they’re not telling you.”
“Do you—are you going to get back together with her?” I say to the wall.
“No.”
“So you’re not breaking up with me?”
“No! I told her I was with you now.” A wave of relief washes over me. “But . . . I am going out to dinner with her and her parents in a couple of weeks. I have to!” she protests when I put my face into my knees. “Kelsey’s dad’s like, this big shot at Stanford, and she said that if I get to know him he could write me a letter of recommendation for my application next fall! What was I supposed to say? I can’t turn down an opportunity like that!”
The question is, what am I supposed to say? I don’t believe Kelsey for a second. But if I tell Jamie to turn this down, I’m not being supportive of her dream. If I say I think Kelsey’s lying, well—what if her dad could write an ace letter of rec? What do I know, really?
We sit in silence for a while.
“Nothing’s going to happen, I promise. This has nothing to do with her. Her dad’s the reason I said yes, don’t you get it? I need him to help me get into Stanford.” I pick at the rug, unconvinced. “Please trust me,” she says. “I know it’s probably a long shot—and I dunno, maybe Kelsey’s full of shit. But I have to try, just in case. I can’t pass this up.” Jamie takes my hand in hers. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” she says. “I would never mess with what we have by lying to you.”
I look up and see it all written on her face. Her dreams, her confidence, her grit—everything I admire about her. And maybe Kelsey’s a liar, but Jamie isn’t. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, too, if I’m being honest. Who else in my life do I trust the way I trust her? My friends know about Jamie and me, Caleb knows about Dad, but Jamie knows about everything. She heard me say terrible things about her friends and she gave me a second chance. She gives me poems that make my brain buzz and my heart sing. We belong to each other. I have to trust her on this.
“Please,” she says.
“All right.”
27
HANH, REGGIE, AND ELAINE ARE MORE WORRIED about Jamie and Kelsey than I am. Elaine, especially, is trying to get me to break up with Jamie, and I can’t tell if it has more to do with me being gay or with me being with Jamie. Especially since she’s started getting more serious with Jimmy, it’s like she wants everyone to have the exact same amazing adventure that she’s having. And for her, I guess that includes being straight. She just can’t understand being a girl and not wanting to kiss a boy.
“You should try it, Sana! I mean, Jamie’s totally cheating on you, so you may as well,” she says at lunch. “Janet asked her cousin, and her cousin said Jamie and Kelsey were kissing, like, for real. Like on the lips. In public. You don’t do that unless you’re like, committed.”
“Like you and Jimmy?” asks Reggie, raising her eyebrow.
Elaine blushes but remains otherwise unfazed. “I can’t help it. It’s so much fun!” Then she turns to me and makes her plug again. “Come on, Sana, just try. It’s way better than kissing girls, I know it is.”
“What do you know about kissing girls? And what’s wrong with me wanting to? I don’t want to kiss a guy, because I actually did once, and it was disgusting. There aren’t any guys who want to kiss me anyway—not that I would kiss them. Because I don’t. Like. Guys.” Naturally, this is the moment that Caleb chooses to text me:
What r u doing Friday?
Want to go bowling?
I glance at my phone and try to shove it back into my bag before anyone can see who it’s from, but Hanh is too quick. “Ooooh, someone wants to kiss you!” she says. She holds the phone out for all to see and is rewarded with a squeal from Elaine.
“He is totally into you. You should go out with him!” she says.
“Yeah, he’s cute,” says Hanh. “So what if he’s a little weird?”
Elaine pokes Hanh on the arm. “He’s not weird. He just dresses weird.”
I look at Reggie, but she just shrugs. “I guess you should be with who you want to be with. Must be nice to be you, though. Boys and girls like you.”
“Please, Sana, just try!” begs Elaine. “I mean, what if you’re straight—or bi—and you just got a bad one that time? I mean, how do you know you only like girls?”
“How do you know that you only like guys?”
Elaine rolls her eyes. “Okay, fine. But I like the guy I’m with, right? So maybe you just haven’t met the right one.”
“I have met the right one, and she’s a girl. She’s who I’m with. That’s my point. And what ever happened to you being totally cool with me being gay? What happened to being happy for me?”