I finally put the car in drive and set out for Landon’s, the radio off as I stared ahead, in a zombie-like trance. I wasn’t even sure how I made it there, except by autopilot. The trees and the road streamed by, and then I was pulling into the stamped-concrete driveway, stopping in front of one of the big stained-wood garage doors. My car probably looked like it should be towed away, sitting in his too-fancy driveway.
I’d beaten him there, so I walked up to the porch and thunked down, hard, on the steps, pulling my knees up to my chest and resting my forehead on my knees. The tears came in full then, as if a dam had broken lose, and I must’ve been a sad sight, sobbing into my jeans, wracked with sobs.
I didn’t hear his car pull up, but a door slammed and then he was puling me into his lap, wrapping his arms around me.
It was the most comforting thing in the world, to be wrapped up by him, held and rocked as I cried, as he rubbed my back and whispered shhhh, under his breath. He rested his lips against my temple, his breath warm against my skin.
I calmed slowly, leaning into him, my panicked heart slowing.
“I can’t breathe,” I said finally, gasping out a jagged breath.
“Come inside,” he said, pulling us up to our feet. But he didn’t let go of me, held me against him as if he was afraid I’d collapse if he let go.
And maybe I would.
He led me to the kitchen, handing me a tissue box. I blew my nose but it didn’t seem to matter. I was falling apart, unraveling. And he could see that. But he didn’t push. Didn’t ask what had turned me into this mess.
Eventually, I could breathe again.
“It’s my brother.”
His eyes darkened, and he reached over, resting a hand over mine. “Is he okay? Did something happen this morning?”
“He has cancer,” I said, the words coming out on a shaky breath.
Landon didn’t flinch. Didn’t react at all.
I yanked my hand away. “You knew?”
He remained stoic, nodding. “Yes. I knew.”
“He told you and not me? How long have you known?”
“Awhile. It’s why I came back.”
“You told me you came back for me,” I said. “Not that I believed you. You had your center.”
“I opened the center because I knew it was the right place for the next expansion. But I never planned on making it my home base. I hired a manager to run the day-to-day operations. But then things changed.”
I hated the way my heart twisted.
I hadn’t truly believed him when he said I came back for you. But until that moment, I hadn’t realized just how much I wanted to believe him.
He hadn’t spent his last few years thinking of me the way I’d been thinking of him. He would return to this town for his center, for his best friend. But not for me.
I tried not to think of the martini bar, of the way his colleague had smirked and joked about finding us in the closet, like Landon dragged girls into dark places all the time.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked.
He scrubbed his hand across his jawline, where stubble lined his chin. “It wasn’t my secret to tell.”
“Why didn’t he tell me?”
“Because he knew what it would do to you,” Landon said. “You’ve lived this before. He wanted to spare you. He was hoping to get through treatment, get to a place where it was in remission. And then tell you, when it was in the rear view mirror. When you wouldn’t react…”
“Like this?” I said, gesturing to my face. I was sure my eyes were bloodshot and my nose would be red. Plus, my skin always got blotchy when I cried.
He nodded.
“What am I supposed to do?” I despaired, running a hand through my hair. I wanted to scream.
“Let him tell you on his own terms.”
An ugly bark of bitter laughter escaped. “I’m supposed to pretend I don’t know? I can’t act normal around him after this.”
“He’s grappling with a lot right now,” Landon said, gently. “He didn’t tell you because it would only add guilt.”
“I can’t believe he wanted to go through this alone.”
“He’s not going through it alone,” Landon said.
His voice was surprisingly gruff. I glanced up, annoyance seeping in. I should be there for him, not just Landon. “What, like you’re some big emotional support system?”
“I’m not a cold bastard, if that’s what you’re implying. I’ve gone to every doctor’s appointment with him.”
It felt like the rug was pulled out from under me. I couldn’t picture him sitting in a doctor’s office, acting as emotional support. I knew they’d been best friends for years, but I’d assumed they’d drifted apart since he’d been gone. But this… this was something else.
He smirked. “You actually do think me a cold bastard, don’t you?”
“No,” I said, even though it was a little bit of a lie. “I just don’t picture you as…”
“What? Dependable? Loyal?”
I’d gotten under his skin, questioning him. There was an unexpected edge to his voice, like it irritated him that I had a hard time believing him.
“I don’t know, okay? I just can’t reconcile that version of you in my head.”
“That version of me? What version of me do you see, for that matter?”