There’s a blur of emotions mingling in my gut at his words. None of them feel good. Because this last week of silence and isolation made me realize I want more than friendship with Cole…and yet it made him realize he doesn’t.
Is this about Max? I want to ask him. Or am I just not what you want in a girl you’re dating? But pride keeps me from doing so. My chest stings. My throat is tight. So I keep my reply at a nod. When I can finally speak a few moments later, I say, “Your friendship is the most important one in my life. I don’t want to lose that.” The words are honest, but there’s so much more beneath the iceberg tip that I’m biting back.
I finally realize something odd and discomforting about this interaction. Cole isn’t touching me. At all. He’s always been affectionate, reaching over to stroke my hair or hand. Hugging me. But there’s a massive wall around him right now, one I can’t penetrate. I want to touch him but I’m afraid it’s crossing a line. So I stay seated and just silently ache.
“Your friendship means a lot to me, too,” Cole says in a husky voice. He swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing hard. His lips thin as he exhales through his nose.
“I’m glad to hear you say that,” I confess. “I’ve been…” What words can I say to convey to him how I’ve been feeling without giving everything away? My pride and my heart are throbbing in pain from his withdrawal. My mouth wants his on mine so badly I can taste him. But Cole doesn’t want me like that, not anymore. I scramble to ask the question on the back of my mind. “Um, do you still want me to come to the birthday party on Sunday? If not—”
“Of course I do,” he interrupts. He gives a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes, and my chest sinks a little. This is what we’ve become. A thin version of what we used to be. I hate it. “Everyone’s looking forward to seeing you there.”
Everyone. Meaning the family. Not Cole.
I feel both hurt and ridiculous at how I’m overanalyzing his words. I don’t know if he meant it to come across that way. “Sounds good. Thanks.” The tears come back, and I blink fast.
I turn to leave and open the door, my heart pounding so hard I’m certain he can hear it. The door is halfway open before I feel the press of his fingers in my other hand, and he’s pulling me back toward him. I spin and find myself in his embrace.
It’s a quick hug; I regretfully pull back a moment after he does. I want to stay in his arms for so much longer.
Cole smiles down at me, and it’s not as distant as his earlier smile. Like a pale sun on a spring day—offering light but not warmth. Still, it’s something. A step back to where we used to be.
I leave his office. I never imagined I’d feel this way about Cole, but I do. And now I have to figure out how to live with it.
Cole
“Hey, buddy!” I say as I scoop James into my arms. “You having a fun time at your party?”
He cackles and swings his arms out wide. “Airpane! Airpane!”
I squint at him in mock seriousness and hold his little squirming body out in front of me. He’s a bit small for his age, having been born several weeks premature, but he’s strong and starting to make up for the developmental lag. “Are you sure you want an airplane ride? Have you been a good boy today?”
He nods. His small mouth is crusted with chocolate chip cookie crumbs, and I know Rebecca brushed his hair earlier, though it’s sticking out all over the place now. “I’m super good.”
I move to the corner of Xander’s backyard, where no one else is standing, and start to spin, and James howls and laughs. “It’s airplane time!”
We play for a few minutes until I feel like I want to vomit, so I put him down and lean back against the fence. It’s the perfect day for an outdoor birthday party. Rebecca went all-out decorating the place with streamers, balloons, tablecloths, the whole nine yards. I don’t know how the woman does it all.
Xander comes up to me and hands me a beer. “You look like you earned this.”
“Your son is demanding,” I say, taking a long draw.
“Family trait.” He shoves shoulders against me. “Thanks for helping with the party prep. I know Rebecca appreciates it.”
We glance over to where Xander’s wife is standing, by the dessert table, scooping cookies and candy and other treats onto plates for a bunch of little kids. Her dark blond hair is pulled into a no-nonsense ponytail, and her small frame looks lithe and fit in capris and a sleeveless pink shirt.
Xander’s riveted at the sight of his wife, and I can’t help the small twinge of jealousy I feel when Rebecca looks over at him and gives him a familiar, warm smile. They met in college and fell in love fast, getting married only six months into dating. Instead of James’s early medical problems causing issues in their relationship, it forged them stronger together.
I want that connection, that love so badly. With Lauren.