Elliot glanced over at him. Luke looked a little pale under his tan. Elliot wondered if perhaps Luke needed to go to the infirmary and felt guilty about talking so much. People’s stupidity could always be corrected another time.
“I’m—I like guys,” said Luke, staring at his desk. “Romantically.”
Elliot put his hand up so fast he almost dislocated his arm. Captain Whiteleaf was staring and nodded, possibly on stunned autopilot.
“Since when?” Elliot demanded.
Luke put his hand back up. “Since always.”
Elliot put his hand up in retaliation. “That’s absurd.”
Luke put his hand up and waited for Captain Whiteleaf to nod and say apprehensively: “Er . . . Cadet Sunborn . . . is this going to be a question?”
“Yes,” said Luke. “What is wrong with you? Not you, sir. Cadet Schafer, sir.”
“I don’t understand your question, and I have one of my own,” said Elliot, putting his hand back up as a formality and not looking at Captain Whiteleaf. “If that’s true then why don’t I know?”
Luke looked mulish about the face. “You do know because I just told you!”
“Excuse me,” Dale Wavechaser said. “Excuse me, sir.”
Everybody turned to look at him. He had apparently been waving his hand in the air for some time. He was very flushed.
“Yes?” Captain Whiteleaf gazed upon Dale as a shipwreck survivor seeing rescue in view.
“Me too, sir!” said Dale. “I like boys romantically too.”
Captain Whiteleaf looked hideously betrayed. Shot through the heart, his pallid demeanour suggested as he looked at Dale. And you’re to blame.
Dale blinked innocently at him, and then concentrated a hopeful gaze on the back of Luke’s head. Oddly, that was what made Elliot believe it: of course if this was true, then Luke would immediately have someone offer to be his boyfriend in five seconds flat.
Elliot spun to the sound of Serene’s small, polite cough. Captain Whiteleaf bitterly nodded permission, having obviously abandoned all hope.
“This is not a question so much as a comment, sir.”
Captain Whiteleaf gave a hollow laugh. “Of course it is.”
“I wondered, sir, if anyone had attempted to capture a Grayling mermaid and prove Cadet Schafer’s hypothesis,” she said.
Captain Whiteleaf started, suddenly a man finding hope in a hopeless place. “You have a comment about the lesson?”
“Why yes, sir.” Serene nodded gravely. “I had already vouchsafed my comments to Cadet Sunborn on the other matter under discussion in private.”
It was true, then. Luke had told Serene.
Elliot put his hand down and was silent for the rest of the lesson. Captain Whiteleaf was almost embarrassingly happy as a result.
Elliot didn’t know why he had assumed Luke would’ve told him. He was such an idiot: he kept forgetting that Luke wasn’t his friend.
“Is it true?” asked Peter next class. Peter was excused from some lessons in geography and history because his mother was a master mapmaker, and looked disappointed to have missed the whole thing. “What they’re saying about Luke Sunborn?”
“It is true!” said Myra. “I mean, I was there, I heard it all.”
“I assume it’s true,” Elliot said. “Luke doesn’t lie.”
There was a long, awkward silence. Elliot fiddled with his pens. Myra slowly dipped her quill in the inkpot, and stroked her mustache with the feathery end.
“So you didn’t know?” Peter asked slowly. “Isn’t that a bit weird?”
“No,” said Elliot. “Seems totally reasonable to me. Did you know?”
“Well, I, well, no,” said Peter. “But that’s different. I would have thought you would know.”
“Why?” asked Elliot. “He’s your classmate too. I cannot be expected to know every little detail about every one of my classmates, Peter. Surely you see that.”
He fixed Peter with a severe gaze. Peter nodded humbly.
“People get to choose who to tell their secrets to,” said Elliot. “You know—people whom they trust and feel comfortable with. That’s all right. That’s fine. I understand that. Nobody’s owed anyone else’s secrets.”
“That’s true,” Myra said, and favoured him with a smile. “I think that’s very mature of you, Elliot.”
Elliot smiled, comforted, and made Myra his favorite between Myra and Peter for the rest of the day.
He really could understand. Elliot was not sure that he would have told himself any secrets: it wasn’t like he was conspicuous for his ready sympathy and emotional depths. And the fight he’d had with Luke about Adam looked different now, when Elliot was not just a guest who was behaving badly but someone who Luke might’ve thought was judging and condemning Adam for something Adam and Luke had in common.
Elliot was slow to learn, that was all: he always had been, well before he ever came to the Border camp, when he kept hoping that his dad would start liking him and kept doing everything wrong so his dad never did.
Serene might hate him too. Perhaps that was why there had been no repeat of the kissing incident, even though Elliot had waited and watched and hoped and tried. Perhaps they had both decided he was worthless.
It didn’t matter what they thought. It was no use Elliot sitting around making himself wretched over it. This wasn’t even about Elliot feeling bad: if Elliot had been the one to make Luke feel bad, it was his responsibility, and it was Luke’s feelings that mattered. Elliot had to do something. Elliot had to make it up to Luke.
Elliot had to find him first. He searched the halls, the practise rooms, the Trigon field, and finally wound up outside the cabin Luke shared with several other guys who always gave Elliot the disapproving side-eye as if he had grievously insulted their leader. This loyalty was even more impressive, Elliot told himself, on a new quest to be understanding and kind, considering he didn’t think Luke knew their names.
Elliot tapped on the door, and when nobody answered he peeked around it. Serene and Luke were the only ones inside. Neither of them had lit the candles, though day was slipping down to night.
“Hi,” said Elliot.
“Hello,” said Serene.
“Why do you walk inside when nobody’s told you to come in?” asked Luke.
“I don’t want to spend my whole life waiting outside closed doors,” said Elliot. “I wanted to . . . talk to you. I might have been taken by surprise and expressed myself in ways I did not exactly intend.”
“Is that so?” said Luke.
“I might have not shown enough consideration for your feelings,” said Elliot.
“Sorry,” said Luke. “Are we just talking about today?”