But things weren’t normal anymore.
I wanted to call Abbi and Dary. I’d almost done it Sunday morning, but as I’d stared at my phone until my vision blurred, I couldn’t get up the nerve to do so. It didn’t feel like something I should do. I seriously doubted they wanted to hear about my boy drama, or whatever it was that had gone down with Sebastian.
Sitting on my bed Monday night, nibbling on my fingernail like it was dinnertime, I had other things on my mind.
I’d been cleared to return to school tomorrow. There was no fighting it, even though I knew if I told my mom I wasn’t ready, she would contact the school. But that would mean she’d call off work. There was no way she was going to leave me home alone right now, and Lori was back at Radford. That did leave my father, wherever he was, but she knew I wouldn’t be okay with that. Her boss was being amazing with all of this, but I didn’t want to put her job in jeopardy. So I would be going to school tomorrow. I would be seeing everyone. There was no more hiding.
Sebastian would drive me tomorrow morning and, oh God, I didn’t want to think about him, because when I did, I thought about what he’d said Saturday night.
That’s when I fell in love with you.
My heart skipped a beat.
I can’t think about that. I tried to push what Sebastian said aside, but that was as successful as walking down the stairs with my ankles tied together. A shiver curled down my spine. I turned to stare at the world map above my desk. Several years ago, I’d taken a blue marker and circled all the places I wanted to visit one day. Sebastian had grabbed a red marker and joined in. A lot of the places were the same. We were thirteen or fourteen when we did that.
He’d been in love with me this whole time?
I squeezed my eyes shut and, for a few seconds, just for a couple of heartbeats, let those words he’d spoken seep through my skin, invade my muscles and tattoo my bones. My right hand curled against the center of my chest and my stomach dipped like I was on a roller coaster. In those seconds, I envisioned what it was supposed to be—what my life was supposed to be like.
Sebastian would tell me he loved me. We’d kiss, this time deeper and stronger than before. I’d kiss him back, and maybe we’d get caught up in the moment. Maybe things would go further, and it would be glorious and perfect. We’d go out on dates. Hold hands at school. Travel to parties together. Everyone would smile and whisper “About time” to one another. We wouldn’t be able to keep our hands off one another and—
Reaching up, I swept my hand under my eyes, wiping away the wetness gathering on my cheeks. I scooted to the end of my bed and placed my feet on the floor. A few seconds passed and then I opened my eyes and stood. A sharp stab of pain shot out across my rib cage, snapping me back to reality. I drew in a shuddering breath.
Guilt settled heavily in my chest.
How could I even think about this kind of stuff? It felt so, I don’t know, self-absorbed. Wrong. I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel, how I was supposed to move on from this point, but I knew I didn’t deserve something good like this.
Not now.
Maybe a hundred tomorrows from now.
But not now.
*
“Are you sure you’re ready to do this today?”
I looked up from the kitchen table, brushing the crumbs from my Pop-Tart off the tips of my fingers. I hadn’t been hungry but had forced myself to eat. The sugary breakfast coated my throat like sawdust. “Yeah.”
Mom stood by the sink, dressed for work in a light blue blouse and black slacks. Everything about her was well manicured on the surface, but her eyes were weary. “If for whatever reason you start to feel ill or worn-out, you call me immediately. I will come and get you.”
“I’m going to be fine.” I stood, crumpled up the paper towel and tossed it in the trash. “Don’t spend all day worrying about me.”
“I’m your mom. It’s kind of my job to do so.”
A faint smile formed on my lips. “But I’m going to be okay. The doctor said I was healing and he doesn’t expect there to be a problem.”
“I know. I was there. But he also warned that up to fifty percent of people who’ve suffered a collapsed lung can have a reoccurrence.”
“Mom.” I sighed, but before I could say anything else, there was a knock on the front door. A second later, we heard it open. Heart thumping heavily, I turned toward the entryway.
“Hey,” Sebastian called out. “It’s me.”
Mom smiled like the sun had just entered the house. Footsteps neared the kitchen and then Sebastian was standing in the doorway, hair damp and the worn cotton shirt clinging to his broad shoulders.
He looked good, really nice.
I smoothed my hands across my jeans, suddenly nervous for reasons that had nothing to do with going to school. Sebastian had come over on Sunday and hadn’t mentioned the conversation we had Saturday night, but it was there when he looked at me, in every brush of his hand or press of his leg against mine.
“Mornin’,” he said, striding into the kitchen. “You about ready?”
Nodding, I told myself to pull it together.
“I want you to do me a favor,” Mom said as he walked over to where I stood somewhat petrified in front of the sink. “Keep an eye on Lena.”
“Mom,” I groaned this time.
She ignored me. “I don’t want her overtaxing herself. This is going to be a long day for her.”
My eyes widened slightly as he draped his arm over my shoulders. The weight was minimal and he’d done it a million times before, but I shivered in response.
Sebastian felt it. I knew he did, because that half grin formed as he looked down at me. “Don’t worry, Ms. Wise. My eyes will be glued to her.”
Oh dear.
The urge to lean into Sebastian, to press my cheek to his chest, was hard to resist, but I stepped out from him and picked up my backpack. Slinging it on my shoulder did not feel good, and I needed to remember that next time. “We better get going so we’re not late.”
“The world is your oyster.” Sebastian grabbed the armful of books that I would need to stash in my locker.
Mom followed us out the front door, stopping me before I went down the steps. She clasped my cheeks. “I love you,” she whispered fervently. “Today is going to be a long day.” Her eyes searched mine. “For a lot of reasons.”
“I know.” That burning knot of hysterical tears was back.
Slipping her hands off my cheeks, she turned and looked up at Sebastian. “I’m handing her over to you.”
Handing me over? I made a face, but neither of them saw me.
“I got her,” he promised, and there was a heavy meaning to those words, as if he was staking some sort of claim, accepting unspoken responsibility.
“Thank you,” Mom said, patting his shoulder.
I barely stopped myself from rolling my eyes as I hit the walkway. “We should get going,” I reiterated.