“Yeah, that’s right.” His lips curved up at the corner. “You were out on this balcony watching me.”
I gaped at him. “You saw that?” We’d never talked about that. Why would we? So I never knew he saw me. It had been the next day when he came over, asking if I wanted to ride bikes with him.
“I saw you.” He reached over, tapping his finger off my arm. “I also heard your dad telling you to get your butt back in the house and start unpacking. I think you responded by telling him unpacking boxes violated child labor laws.”
I couldn’t fight the grin. “I might’ve said something like that.”
“That’s when I fell in love with you.”
Jerking slightly, I blinked once and then twice. “Wh-what?”
His lashes swept down, shielding his eyes in the dim overhead light that was just a bare bulb going bad. “I was caught off guard when you kissed me at the lake.”
My eyes widened. What was happening right now?
“I didn’t regret it. I didn’t dislike it. I just never thought you were...you were into me like that.” He laughed again, but this time it was self-conscious, unsure. “Well, that’s a lie. Sometimes I wondered. I wish I hadn’t freaked out afterward. I wish I kissed you back. I wish... I wish I kissed you at the pool.” His shoulders rose and his gaze lifted. “Because I’d been wanting to do that for a while now.”
“What?” I repeated dumbly.
Sebastian didn’t look away. “I don’t know when it happened—when I started seeing you, really seeing you. Actually, you know what? That’s a bald-faced lie. I do know. I fell in love with you the moment I heard you say something ridiculous to your dad. I just didn’t know what that meant—what I was feeling. And it took years for me to figure out what I was feeling meant. It wasn’t until you started seeing Andre. That’s how I figured it out. I was... Damn, I was not happy. I didn’t like him. Thought you could do better. Didn’t appreciate how he was always touching you.”
All I could do was stare at him.
“I fooled myself for a long time. I told myself that I was being so hard on him because you’re my best friend. But it wasn’t just that. Whenever I’d see him kissing you, I wanted to lay him out cold. When I saw that he was at your house, I wanted to interrupt. Make sure you had no time alone.” He laughed once more. “Actually, I did that quite a bit.”
Sebastian had done that. Many, many times he’d come right through the balcony door unannounced, and sometimes it had been so, so awkward. Andre used to get so mad, especially when Sebastian would plop his butt right down on the bed and not leave.
“But when you broke up with him, it wasn’t just relief I felt. Hell no. I was happy. When I heard you and Abbi out here talking about breaking up with him, I remember thinking, ‘Now’s my chance.’”
Everything in me stilled. Everything. “But...but you were with Skylar—”
“It’s why I broke up with her. She was right about me caring more about my friends than her, but it wasn’t the way she thought. It was because I cared more about you,” he said. “I thought about you the way I should’ve been thinking about her.”
My lips parted.
“But I never believed for a second you felt the same way. I didn’t want to risk ruining our friendship.” Sebastian leaned close again, his head not very far from mine. “When you kissed me, I... Hell, I panicked. Kind of feel like a coward now. I should’ve said something to you. I can’t go back and change that, but I want you to know that I didn’t regret it. I regret not being the one to do it.”
Sebastian took in a deep breath. “I wanted to talk to you about this that night. That’s why I said I needed to talk to you. And looking back, I should’ve told Skylar she could wait. God, I wish more than anything I’d done that, because...because I don’t think you’d have been in that car. Who knows what would’ve happened? But I like you, Lena. You know that.” There was that self-conscious laugh again. “I... Well, I really like you and I wish I had kissed you by that pool. I wish I’d told you how—” he cleared his throat “—how badly I’ve wanted to kiss you for a long time. How I don’t look at you as just one of my friends.”
Was this a dream? It had to be, because this felt like one. These were the words I’d lived for what felt like forever waiting to hear.
“I think... I think I know how you feel, but I don’t expect you to say anything right now,” he said, his eyes finding mine again and searching intently. “I just needed you to know.”
I stared at him, unable to fully process what he was saying.
I mean, I got it. I did. He was telling me that he’d wanted to kiss me. Had been wanting to. That he liked me liked me. And had for a while. I was shocked, stunned into silence. I’d hit the jackpot of fantasies coming true, but now? Now? When I was so undeserving of having what I so badly wanted handed to me on a silver platter? Now, when one of my best friends was dead, and three more friends along with her, because I...I didn’t stop them?
I shook my head. “Why...why now? Why would you—” My voice cracked. “Why would you wait until after that, after everything that happened, to tell me this?”
“I shouldn’t have waited.”
“But now is, like, the worst timing in the history of timing.” I lowered my feet to the floor and stood, having to put space between us. The abrupt movement caused pain to lance across my ribs. “Really bad timing, Sebastian.”
“Or it’s the best timing,” he fired back, watching me walk around the chair. “And you know what? Waiting is too risky. There’s no bad time to tell someone you love them.”
Sebastian loved me. Like loved me loved me? There was no way. This wasn’t happening now. Not when it should’ve happened before.
I started backing up toward my door as he rose and followed. My back pressed against the door. I reached behind me but froze as he stalked around the chair.
Stopping in front of me, he planted a hand on the space beside my head. “The only better time to have told you this was the moment I realized I felt this way,” he said, lowering his head to mine. My heart turned into a jackhammer. “I’ve had a million moments since then.”
“I can’t even process this right now.” My voice was thick, my eyes wide as I stared up at him.
“You don’t have to. I just needed to get it out there.” Sebastian leaned over, pressing his mouth to my temple. My heart thundered as I closed my eyes. “What does waiting do? None of us are promised a tomorrow. We learned that, didn’t we? We don’t always get a later.” He kissed my temple again, then pulled back, his eyes finding mine. “I’m done living like we do.”
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Normally I would’ve been on the phone with my friends immediately. The conversation with Sebastian was a five-alarm-fire-level emergency that I needed to hash out until I was just repeating myself over and over again, talking in circles.