Much like he did tonight.
When I opened my eyes, realizing I had fallen asleep at some point, the morning sun bathed the room in its soft glow. I stretched, and then immediately sat up, realizing his side of the bed was still empty. It hadn’t been slept in. Fear choked me, worst-case scenarios flickering through my mind. I jumped out of bed, threw on the first T-shirt I came across, and flung the door open. I didn’t find him in the living room, but when I peered through the front window, I noticed his car parked in the driveway next to mine. That’s when I heard noises coming from down the hall.
I raced back there and found him in my old room, taking apart the furniture. He already had the dresser broken down, the mirror leaning against the wall, and the bed mostly dismantled by the time I walked in. He sat on the floor with a screwdriver in his hand, his tongue peeking out, and his hair in even more disarray than usual.
“Does this mean I’m officially staying in your room now?” I started to squat, to join him on the floor, but his eyes stopped me. The anger darkening the green and lining his brow kept me from sitting down. In fact, it kept me from breathing, as well. “What’s going on?”
“Your clothes are in bags. I’ve already put them in your car for you. I’m not sure how you plan on getting all this out of here, but I figured I’d save time and go ahead and break it all down for you. It should make moving it out easier. The patio table will have to come out of the gazebo, and the chairs are still in the garage. I can’t really do much with the couch in the other room, so it can stay there until you arrange for a U-Haul or whatever you plan on using to take this all with you. Just don’t take too long, because I want it out.”
“I-I don’t understand. W-what happened, Holden?” I had to fight back the tears, but that didn’t stop them from filling my voice and breaking my words. “Last time I saw you, you were fucking me in your bathroom, then you left the house and now you’re…now you’re kicking me out? Is this because of Connor’s text message?”
His eyes snapped to mine, and the heated anger I saw reflecting in them shattered my heart. “I was a fool to think you’d actually choose me. To assume you’d give this an honest shot. Silly me…here I was believing you were putting forth the effort in seeking a long-term relationship with me. But I was wrong. Because the whole time, you were talking to that asshole, ‘planning’ things behind my back. And you know what? I had an idea you were still talking to him. I guess I just trusted that you wouldn’t stab me in the back.”
“I didn’t—”
“No…you’re absolutely right, Janelle. You didn’t stab me in the back. You faced me, looked me right in the eye, and stuck your knife straight through my chest while I watched. I just want to know why. Was it the money?”
I had no clue what he was talking about, but I refused to give up without a fight. “I didn’t stab you anywhere. Not in the back or the chest. And I did give it a fair shot—I’m still giving it one. I want you, Holden. Don’t let one stupid text change anything. Clearly, you saw that I haven’t been responding to him.”
“Yeah. And I also noticed that you hadn’t told him the change of plans.”
“What is there to tell him?” I raised my voice, partly out of fear, but also from frustration. I couldn’t fathom losing him, especially over something silly like this, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say his refusal to calm down and talk about this rationally pissed me off. “You wanted to remove the six-month deadline and just let things happen and see where they’d go. So what was I supposed to tell him?”
“Exactly that.”
“Why when I could just wait until either January, when he was already expecting this to be over with, or until I had a definitive answer? That made more sense to me, and I’m sorry for not explaining that to you, but I knew how much you hated talking about him.”
“Just tell me, Janelle…was it about the money?”
I fought against rolling my eyes and decided to pause for a full inhalation instead. “Yes, Holden. It’s always been about the money. You knew that from the beginning. If you chose to ignore it and not see it for what it was, then I’m not sure what else to tell you.”
I had never kept it from him. He understood there was nothing between me and Connor, and that marrying him wouldn’t ever be a real thing, only a way to get the money. Hell, he’d been informed of that from day one, yet he still offered to move me in with him as part of his deal. Not to mention, when we talked about exploring what we had between us, and again when he surprised me with the lease on the storefront, I was very open and honest with him regarding my fear over giving up the money and still losing him. I hadn’t kept any of that a secret, yet now, he acted as if I’d never told him any of it.
“That’s what I thought,” he practically said to himself, as if his words weren’t meant for me. But I heard them all the same, and they hurt more than I’m sure he intended. “Listen, Janelle…this isn’t gonna work out. I should’ve never believed it would. I guess I got wrapped up in having someone with me. I didn’t stop and look at the bigger picture. In the end, I got what I wanted, and you got what you wanted, so I guess we’re even.”
“I got what I wanted? What did I want, Holden? Huh? And what did I get?”
He stood from the floor and grabbed an envelope off the top of the empty dresser. I hadn’t seen it in two months, but I knew exactly what it held. “Signed. Sealed. And delivered. Here’s your divorce. Just like you asked for, except four months early. Our part of the deal is done. Completed. Feel free to move on and go after what you want.”
I wanted to scream at him, slap him until he stopped listening to his own thoughts and heard the words I told him—the words proclaiming that he was what I wanted. But there was something in his eyes that prevented me from continuing. The severe coldness displayed left me unable to speak. The hope I’d held onto from the beginning started to float away and it became painfully obvious that nothing I said would change his stance.
“As far as the storefront goes…you haven’t technically started your business yet. I was thinking I could sublease it out, but if you’d like, I could sublease it to you. But don’t feel pressured to take it; I know how expensive it is and how much you never wanted it in the first place. I figured since you haven’t done anything with the space yet, I’m not causing you any irreparable damage.”
I clenched my teeth and balled my hands into fists, holding myself back from either wrapping my arms around him and pleading with him to listen and give me a chance, or physically attacking him. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to love him or hate him, and that war only made things worse.