So many things started to make sense. Such as why Christine never got in the pool over Labor Day weekend when we were all at the park. I noticed she had put on some weight, but I would’ve never guessed it was baby weight. She didn’t even have a stomach yet. It also made sense why she was so anxious when she had to take me to the clinic. It wasn’t just bad memories, but because she knew she had a life inside her, and when I realized that, it made my heart hurt for her. Even though it all worked out, I couldn’t help but be upset with myself and Holden for having her around me when I was so sick. Had she caught it, things could’ve been made worse.
But I refused to allow myself to think negatively. It didn’t matter what could’ve happened, the important thing was that it didn’t—which Matthew and Christine made sure of. Apparently, their previous miscarriages all happened between weeks eight and eleven. This time, when they made it to week twelve, they didn’t tell anyone because they wanted to wait until after the doctor’s appointment. Once they saw their doctor and even got to see the baby, they still weren’t ready, worrying that announcing the news too soon would cause bad things to happen. And each week they made it to the next, there was one more reason to wait. Finally, after their last appointment, in which they were able to find out the gender, they decided it was time.
I only wished Holden had been here to experience this.
Matt had asked where he was, and when I told him what Holden had said to me before leaving the house, he gave me an odd look, but I ignored it.
Something was going on with Holden, and I was afraid to say too much for fear my brother would figure things out. Then again, I began to wonder how bad that would be. I’d started to think a lot more about this at night while curled up in Holden’s arms. While he slept, his soft, even breaths dancing along my chilled, bare skin, I’d lay there with my fingers playing in the short, curly hairs on the side of his head, imagining how everyone would react if they knew the truth.
Just thinking about the curly hairs on the sides of Holden’s head made me want to rush home and climb beneath the covers with him, just so he could lay his head on my chest and I could run my fingertips through them. When he let his hair grow too long, the curls went away, and they’re only noticeable just above his ears. The top of his hair had some body to it, but rather than give it a curly look, it made it seem more like he’d just crawled out of bed. Or ran his fingers through it a couple million times. Or really, it looked like I’d taken ahold of it while he buried his face between my thighs—which was a more plausible reason than anything else, considering how much he enjoyed spending time down there.
“I’m so excited for you two. I really am. As soon as you guys decide to reveal the gender, make sure I’m included. And if it’s a party, let me plan it. I have so many ideas, and I can totally do it without knowing what you’re having. I don’t have the office set up yet, but this would be a really good reason to get my butt moving.” I hugged Christine and patted my brother on his chest. “I’m really so happy for you guys.”
After saying goodbye for the hundredth time, I finally got in my car and headed home. I’d spent hours at their house, all of us staying late, and had assumed Holden would be back by the time I pulled in the driveway, but I didn’t see his car. I wondered if he’d parked in the garage, which he used to do all the time when I’d first moved in, but now he seemed to prefer to keep his car next to mine in the driveway. I never asked, and he never explained. It just was what it was.
But when I opened the front door, I realized he still wasn’t home. I tried his cell a few times, but he didn’t answer. I figured it was noisy where he was so I switched to my text messages, thinking I had more of a chance of him answering that. But when I pulled up the app, I noticed the last message from Connor, and suddenly, Holden’s absence made sense. Connor had asked if Holden had fallen for it—whatever “it” was. If that was all Holden had seen, I wouldn’t be surprised why he took off. But it didn’t show me I had an unread message, so I assumed he’d read it all. And if he did, he’d see I hadn’t responded in a while.
Figuring he only needed a few hours out with his friends, maybe a few drinks to deal with Connor’s ignorant text, I sent him a simple message: I’m home…will be waiting for you naked in bed. I added a winky face and prayed that would be enough.
As I lay in bed all alone, I realized far more than I ever did with him next to me, and I immediately hated how that happened. The line, absence makes the heart grow fonder, is rather accurate, but I loathed that it was. We shouldn’t have to lie in bed next to a cold, empty spot to realize just how much we need the person who occupies it. We should know that every night while that person is there. But for reasons I’d never comprehend, it’d taken this long for me to see everything clearly. Either that or it was the news of Matt and Christine’s baby. Whatever it was, I had a lot to think about, but at least I had plenty of time to do it in, considering it didn’t seem like Holden would be coming home anytime soon.
I’d loved Holden almost my whole life. When I was younger, it could’ve been described as puppy love. Infatuation. It was hearts on a notebook and our names sketched in script on lined paper. As I got older, it developed into a deep friendship. He was someone I could trust, someone who would never hurt me and would protect me. He truly was my hero, and staring at the ceiling now, I knew when I had given him my heart.
Yes, I had been upset and heartbroken over the whole Justin situation, but if I stopped and truly looked back at that time in my life, I’d see how quickly I had actually gotten over that breakup. Most of my excuses for coming to see him, spending time with him on his couch, wasn’t because I was upset over some kid who probably wouldn’t have lasted longer than ten seconds in bed. I’d gone to see Holden so much because I’d wanted to. I’d wanted to see Holden and be with him, share the same air as him and feel him next to me.
The five years that followed that time had been a mistake on my part. Had I known then what I knew now, I more than likely never would’ve moved away to college. And if I did move away, I would’ve made sure to stay more in contact with my family—all of them. But more than that, I would’ve made sure to keep Holden in my life. Because I needed him. I needed him then, and I needed him now.
It wasn’t like I’d spent all this time uncertain of what I wanted, whether it be Holden and a future with him, or the money from the show. I comprehended exactly what I wanted, even before Holden had discussed waiting it out to see how things would go. I was simply too scared to make a decision, because my entire future rode on whatever I chose. And no matter what Holden said about what happened after Vegas, how I’d disappeared and turned my back on him—he was the one who’d vanished. I had no recollection of that night, and he knew it, and rather than comfort me, fill me in on what I couldn’t remember, he ignored me. I understood his reasons for staying away, how he must’ve felt during that time and the guilt he carried around with him. But that was no excuse. The last five years could’ve been so different had he acted on it, and no matter what he said now, nothing would make that fear go away. The fear of him doing it again. Of me giving up fifty thousand dollars for him, only for him to vanish once more.