I decide to try and settle my stomach, and head on through to the buffet tables set up in the dining room. Lottie was right, Finn spared no expense for this. There’s BBQ and sliders, but also sushi, and intricate little hors d’oeuvres, enough to feed a small army. I fill a plate, then slip out to one of the side porches to sit in the dark and watch the last of the pale light while the party whirls on inside.
I sit back in the old swing, curling my feet underneath me. Lottie getting another year older, Delilah barreling on with her plan to take over the real estate world, it all makes me think about my own life, and how it’s barely moving at all. My job is fine, and pays the bills, and I love the work I do at the shelter, but I can’t deny the restless urge I get, clicking through Pinterest and websites late at night, looking at the million other possibilities waiting out there in the world for me.
I’ve come close to leaving a hundred times. After things got back to normal, and I felt like I was on solid ground after all the chaos of New York, I even looked up which colleges had good theatre programs nearby. I must have downloaded a dozen applications, even started filling a few out, but every time I really thought about packing my bags up and heading out again on my own, something inside me froze up. I made such a mess of things last time around, part of me is scared it’ll happen again. That I’ll make one wrong decision and send my life hurtling off track again, but this time in ways that can’t be fixed so easily.
Here in Oak Harbor, at least I know I’m doing the right thing. Sure, it’s a simple, quiet life, but I don’t wake up in the morning feeling like I have a knife in my heart and a stranger in my bed.
“Should have guessed I’d find you here.” The door opens, and Finn steps outside. “Rule number one: look for Eva in the darkest, quietest corner of any party.” He looks around. “This place is a madhouse already. How did you even find a place alone?”
“It’s a super power, I guess,” I reply lightly, but my heart stutters at the sight of him in a simple white tee shirt and threadbare jeans, good enough to eat.
“I guess we should be glad you didn’t bring a book,” Finn grins. “Then you wouldn’t notice a single thing.”
“I’m not that bad!” I protest.
He laughs. “Kidding. To tell the truth, I always envied your focus.” He takes a seat beside me on the swing and pushes off, rocking us back and forth. “Maybe I would have done better in school without all those distractions.”
“You mean girls.”
“Touché.” Finn smiles. “Lottie seems to be having a good time. I just saw her recruiting some guys to set up a karaoke machine.”
“Stop her, for all our sakes,” I laugh. “I mean, I love my sister, but the girl cannot carry a tune.” I pause, glancing over. “Thank you,” I say quietly. “For the party. You really didn’t have to go all out like this.”
“It’s nothing.” Finn waves away my praise. “She deserves it. She’s a good kid.”
“Not such a kid anymore,” I remark, feeling wistful. “I think she’s more grown up than me, sometimes. I just wish.” I stop. Finn looks over, waiting. “Just, that she’d had a chance to do something different. We all love Kit, but she used to have all these dreams, about traveling the world, or moving to LA to work in fashion. She was going to have all kinds of big adventures.”
“You mean like you were planning?” Finn takes a sip of his beer. “How did that work out for you?”
His voice is even, but still, I tense. “That’s different.”
“Is it?” He watches me, steady. “The girl I knew was ready to take a risk, just leap into the unknown.”
I fight back emotion. “Maybe you didn’t know me so well.”
“Come on.” Finn looks at me, that deep stare I couldn’t hide from if I tried. Right away I feel on trial, exposed for him to judge. “You were going to conquer the world, Eva. What happened to you?”
I swallow hard. “I hit the ground,” I tell him, and get up.
“Eva—”
“No, don’t. I get it,” I say bitterly. “You remember someone different. Someone fun, and wild, and ready to take on the world. Well, I tried, but sometimes the world isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.”
I turn for the door, but it flies open. “Time for cake!” Delilah cries, grabbing my hand. “Come on, I bet Lottie she couldn’t blow out all twenty in one go. If she forfeits, someone’s going skinny-dipping!”
Grateful, I let Dee pull me back inside, the party enveloping me in bright noise again. But still, I can’t shake the memory of Finn just now, and that sad disappointment in his eyes. He has no right to be disappointed, none at all. If I failed to live up to all his expectations, he should share the blame, too.
It’s easy to be young and reckless when you’ve never tasted loss before.
I bite back my sadness, and force on a big smile. “Look at that cake!” I cry, joining Lottie and the crowd in the main room, clustered around the biggest three-tier chocolate cake I’ve ever seen. “Where did you even get something like that?”
“Finn had it made special order in the city.” Lottie beams. “We’re going to be eating leftovers for a week.”