I shove another spoonful of rocky road in my mouth. I shake my head. “That’s the worst plan I’ve ever heard. You’re like the queen of bad ideas.”
“No, listen to me!” Delilah protests. “Right now, you have all these emotions swirling around. Betrayal, and heartache, and all the ‘what ifs’ that have kept you up at night. You’re not thinking clearly. I bet when you look at Finn, you don’t even see the man he is right now. You’re too caught up in the boy he used to be.”
I slowly nod. Where is she going with this?
“So you need to get all that out of your system,” she insists. “Closure, once and for all.”
“And how will I get that by… you know?”
“Climbing him like a tree?” Dee grins. “Simple. Most guys are better in fantasy than they ever are when it’s the real thing. Maybe he’ll smell bad, or pound you like a jackhammer, or it’ll all be over in a flash.” She snaps her fingers. “And voila, closure!”
I have to give her points for trying, but she doesn’t know Finn. How he could make me moan, reduce me to a breathless, gasping, begging pool of molten desire with just a few dirty words murmured in my ear. And then later, when we were all alone, with nothing between us but a sheen of sweat and the whispered promises that slipped around me like silk…
“It won’t work.” I say, miserable. “He was amazing back then, and now… He’ll be even better.”
“The boy was scoring perfect tens at eighteen?” Delilah’s eyebrows shoot up. “Damn. Now you have to ride that. If you don’t, I will. Kidding. Kind of.” She shoots me a grin so mischievous I can’t help but relax, laughing.
“I know, it’s first world problems. This hot famous guy is determined to seduce me,” I admit, not quite believing it myself. “So what can I do? You see, I’m doomed either way!”
“Banged if you do, damned if you don’t,” she agrees.
I throw a pillow at her, then catch sight of the clock on the wall. It’s past seven thirty – and I’m wearing laundry-day shorts and a faded old tank. “Whatever I pick, I have to decide in the next ten minutes before he shows up here, and my will-power goes out the window for good.”
Delilah stops laughing and looks at me seriously for a moment. She pauses, like she’s deciding what to say.
“Spit it out,” I tell her. “I mean it, I want to know what you think.”
Dee sighs. “Is he the reason you’ve been hiding away?” she asks.
I frown. “I’m not hiding.”
“You know what I mean. Hanging back, not getting out there. Being so… careful. I always wondered, but you never seem to want to open up about this stuff, not for real.”
I could argue, but there’s no point. She’s right. I swallow, and look away. “Maybe.”
“Then this could be your chance,” she says. “To do something fun for a change, to take a risk. Put the past behind you, and wipe the slate clean. Maybe it’ll be a mistake,” she adds quickly, before I can cut her off. “Maybe it’ll end in tears again, or hurt like hell. But you’re hurting like this, aren’t you? Wondering ‘what if’. You can’t keep letting life pass you by, Eva,” she continues gently. “And if Finn McKay is your way of getting back in the game, so be it. What have you got to lose? That body won’t stay perky forever,” she adds with a wink. “You may as well show it off while you have the chance.”
I laugh, and go to clear our junk food remains, but her words linger.
What do I have to lose?
Delilah doesn’t even know what she’s saying, but how could she? She thinks we’re only talking about a broken heart here, which would be bad enough. She doesn’t know what else I lost after Finn left, and how a part of me is still aching for everything that could have been.
But she’s right about everything else. He abroke my heart once, but I don’t have to give it to him again this time. Wipe the slate clean. It’s tempting, I know. Whatever I choose, I’ll still be stuck with this echo of my old pain, and if the last few days have shown me anything it’s that the worst part of all is not knowing why he left.
This is my chance to find out why.
I check the clock. Seven forty-five. “Damn,” I curse. “Couldn’t we have figured this out an hour ago?”
Delilah gasps. “So you’re going to do it? Yay!” she leaps up, clapping her hands together. “OK, you go shower, I’ll pick your outfit.” She shoos me up the stairs. “And don’t forget to shave!” she yells. “And I mean everywhere!”
One quick-change, three discarded outfits, and a lightening fast hairstyle later, and I’m just about ready – and so is the flock of butterflies currently fluttering around in my stomach. I’ve changed my mind so many times about what I’m doing that I’ve lost track of any clarity I briefly had. All I know is that I can’t keep trying to avoid Finn. He won’t let me, and I can’t move on in any way without facing this thing between us head on.